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| Sunday, 18 May 2003 |
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by Umangi de Mel They say `falling in love is awfully simple but falling out of love is simply awful.' Ever gone through the feeling? Yup, it might take the colour out of your life, make you feel like you are dying every living second or even prevent you from falling in love- for good. The heck, let's pull through this folks! "Love is a very mutual yet raging emotion. Like all emotions, it can also just die for no good reason at all, it often happens," says Ranil Abeysinghe, Consultant Psychiatrist, University of Peradeniya. The loss of someone important in your life can be incredibly hard, seeing the future you built with your partner being shattered, having to totally reshape your conviction and start all over can be pretty scary. "Yet, it's over when it's over. When the flame is dying, people discover incompatibility between families and themselves," he says adding that especially teen love is like the weather, "it might be there today and not be there tomorrow. But youth love tends to be more stable." He says that if the two have been sharing a good friendship before it developed into a relationship, it's more likely to last, "Such relationships break up because of parental objections," he adds. Your relationship meant the world to you and you feel like you simply can't move on without him/her as they had become part of your life. But tell yourself that you'll pull through. "It's important to accept your emotions and express them. If it's anger or sadness, expressing or talking about it helps. It's OK to fear the future but you must talk about it," he says. Our shrink says that happy or sad emotions don't last forever. Being let down badly by the person you trusted and loved more than you loved yourself, can be very difficult to bear and a break up can actually make it difficult to trust again. You may doubt your own perception since you trusted your partner never to leave your side. You will probably feel miserable and stranded even if it was you who ended it. "You should never think that all men and women are like the ones who ditched you. But one must take one's time to deal with the trauma. Finding a substitute will not help," he continues, "Even after the break up, some get exploited by the partner. You should never let that happen." And he advices not to depend on alcohol or smoke to feel better. Especially women who tend to neglect themselves are advised not to do so. "They feel that there is no point in looking nice or dressing up anymore. The loss is enormous and they feel so empty that their life has come to a standstill," Dr. Abeysinghe says a lot of people are affected with `Staring into empty space syndrome'. "They start blaming themselves and find fault with themselves. When they feel inadequate, fear creeps in," he points out. "Lots of people develop an identity crisis after a break up as they base all their self esteem on what the other person says or thinks. They tend to think they are worthless as they were ditched." How to cope You may be petrified, feel numb or in denial. It might take time for you to take in the fact that it's over as you wait for him/her to comfort you or call as they used to. "Whatever you feel at the time it happens, it's important to realize that it's natural to feel that way. Breaking the distress into different components helps. You'll be surprised as to why you should feel so down as you realize that it's not such a big deal," he says. Dr. Abeysinghe reveals that writing down your feelings helps a lot. One might start missing partner's company, lacking interest in life, fearing friends' reaction to the break up or if they'll be able to spend the weekend (or the rest of the life time) without him. "Once you break these feelings down to manageable segments, you feel much better," he says. According to our shrink, one might fear losing the physical touch. "But solutions emerge when you write them down, talk to friends, work or continue doing other things you used to do. A break up is most often permanent. You may talk about what went wrong and the possibilities you have in getting back together. One needs time to swallow the biting truth, though. Finally when the time comes to accept and let go of what you were so afraid to lose, you feel that you'll be OK. It's important to know that the stage of acceptance does come. You see that you've moved on unwittingly and you actually start seeing a tomorrow in your life. You find yourself laughing again, talking or getting back to living your life, even if lots of ups and downs are involved. "Resolution happens gradually," he says. How to prevent suffering after a break up- "It's important to realize that it can break at some point, when they get into a relationship. He adds that leaving space between you and the partner is equally important, as in the heat of love, you feel that the other person is an indispensable part of yourself. "Don't ever neglect other friends just because you are in love. Continue to do the things you used to do. Never let a relationship take over you so that when something happens unexpectedly, you'll be able to cope," he says adding that all dark clouds eventually clear. There is a way out of pain, there's hope for life, you might have lost someone precious but you can't afford to lose yourself. You've got to live on for yourself and for those who truly love you, says our shrink. |
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