That’s Life

By Dilini Algama

They teach you all sorts of things throughout your life. As you get older and they run out of things like Albanian minorities in the 17th century sort of thing, they come up with Vh 1 and you are not exactly studying, nevertheless you are certainly learning that you are far better off in your three bed roomed house without wearing clothes to parties that you are going to regret having worn in six months time (apparently this is what happens to celebrities. They have this superb career going for them and then suddenly in a moment of acute dementia they wear some awful number, not properly stitched or something and wham! There starts the downfall)

My article today also concerns movies. The reason for that is that I wish they would somehow educate me on how they make babies cry at correct moments in movies and such. I mean we all know that babies are not ones for behaving the way they are told, right? They cry in church just when the pastor asks everyone to be quite and begins to pray. When they learn the rudiments of speaking, they will say the most inappropriate things possible (“Mummy, Daddy says mummy too fat to go in pram with baby”) Okay, let’s face it. No one has ever been able to figure out just how babies are programmed, but it’s pretty clear that they have been programmed to never do anything an adult tells them to do.

Does the movie crew sit around sipping soda and knitting booties waiting Junior to howl? Do they not feed him properly to make him cry? Why is that we never see a baby crooning softly or trying to say “Ice cream” or wetting itself in the odd moment (Ah, they are famous for this trick…) and such when the mother agitatedly says to the doctor “ Oh doctor! My baby just won’t talk to me. It hasn’t said a word for the day!) While I so hope that they don’t pinch the little babies or do anything cruel (show them ‘Home Alone 4’ or such) to make them cry, I know I will be very happy the day they tell me just how they do it because unlike in real life babies in movies and TV sitcoms and such are right on cue. And it’s very unnatural.

The next thing I wish they would tell me is how they manufacture striped toothpaste to come out in prefect symmetrical stripes. I mean toothpaste has to be the most violently used article in a home, right?

If you are running late the tube of toothpaste gets the brunt. You squeeze and squash in every manner known to man in the titled ‘The Most Ingenious Ways to Get Toothpaste Out of the Tube’ and hey look at that! The stripes come out perfectly every time you do it! You squeeze it from the bottom it’s there or you can squeeze it in the middle as the male of our species is often accused of doing and just why is it that during being put in to the tube through impressive machinery and such that toothpaste doesn’t get all mixed up?

Ah well, wish someone would reply to this…