Is divorce the only option?

Divorce in men’s perspective

by Panchamee Hewavissenti

Many men do not want to divorce because of their children, especially when they have daughters. In a more civilised country such as Sri Lanka, people are more concerned with cultural taboos and social confrontations.

“Divorce” in Sri Lanka may seem as a revolution in one’s life, because that person has to give up the life he/she has been used to and should get over the aftermath of that unpleasant situation.

A person might not always undergo undesirable feelings after a divorce. Divorce is the alternative to living under one roof for a couple who have decided that they cannot do so any longer.

If they continue live under one roof despite the differences the possibility of either party or both parties seeking love and solace outside the marriage is high to thereby a starting another series of problems for both.

After trying all the ways to save the marriage but to the no avail a divorce is, as I feel, a good step to be taken rather than suffering throughout life. There are some people who just tolerate that bitter life for the sake of their children. In a way that is a good thing for the little ones. It’s no doubt, a healthy decision when considering children’s future.

I spoke to a person who holds a responsible position in a government owned agricultural company who was introduced to me by one of the clinical psychologists practising in Colombo. I would like to record what he said in his very words. “I have three daughters.

My wife is a television personality who devotes most of the time for acting in commercials, tele dramas and films. She is very stubborn and bossy. I do not like to comment on her character. She never listens to me.

Films and tele dramas are her world, not children. Most of the time, I have to devote a considerable time from my busy schedule for the children’s work. My children love their mother. I don’t like to live with her anymore. But I have to save the marriage for the sake of my children”.

Sudharman Ramayya, a vocalist married to a Sinhalese who says that the good joyful days they spent together in each other’s company have come to an end. “I am not living with her. I have a separate apartment. I cannot get a divorce because I have a daughter. If I leave them, my wife will probably go for another marriage and my daughter will not be safe. Therefore I decided to live separately.

I have let my wife lead a life of her own”.An executive officer of a private company said that his married life is not at all a happy one. His wife neglects him and she is trying to boss him too much. According to him, there is not an intimate relationship. When I asked him what his next step is, he said he is undecided and he is also concerned about social taboos and confrontations.

“I want to have an intimate relationship with my wife, but she is not interested in that. She sleeps in another room and she cooks only for her. I have to eat from outside. If I am at home I have to make my tea, wash my clothes.

Actually we are not like a married couple, we are more like two boarders sharing the same apartment. I am fed up with this life. I want to have a vibrant family life. I need to have children. I should speak to our parents and go for a divorce. This is not the life I expected to live when I got married to her. I am just thirty years. I can’t suffer for the rest of my life. I think, I might go for another marriage.”

Rehan G. Senaratne, a Marketing Manager of a reputed company says that he too has a similar problem.” My marriage life is not happy at all. Because of my wife’s conduct I got closer to a girl who is also working with me in my company. She is unmarried and two years younger to me. She holds a similar position as that of mine.

My girlfriend Charika wants to marry me. She always urges me to marry her. I can’t do so immediately since my two daughters are still small. They are closer to me than to their mother. Although, I want to marry Charika and start a life anew to get rid of this bitter life, I believe that it will affect my two daughters in the future when they get married.

Some people are very concerned about family background. If they tell that my daughters’ father is a divorcee and married to another woman, it will be an embarrassment to my children”.

M. Damith Nishantha, a businessperson says, “I have two sons and a daughter. Though we live in one house my wife and I are like strangers who do not have any kind of communication. She just leaves me to myself.

She is not bothered of what I do. As I sense she too is in an extra marital relationship. I don’t mind it because I do not love her and I too have a girlfriend. As long as we are both happy in our extramarital relationships and it does not create problems, it is ok. But we haven’t yet thought of a divorce because of our children”.

Chathuranga C. Darmawardene is a medical officer by profession. He says “ I have a daughter and a son. I am very much concerned about them than for my wife. I do not like to go home because the moment I go home my wife starts grumbling and it’s really irritating. I stay at office to get rid of that bitter situation at home.

My parents know that my wife is ill-treating me and have brought me a proposal. I have met that girl and also I like to marry her. When I told her that if I marry her she has to accept my children as well.

She is not very much positive on that. I have to give it a second thought because in case she might not accept my children and discriminate against them there will be problems in that marriage as well.

Different people have different points of view on divorce. When the divorce becomes the only solution one can’t help it. He/she has to go for it. Divorce can be followed by many psycho-social upheavals.

Once I attended a seminar and in that a professional chancellor said “You might be labelled a “bad guy” by a lot of people. This can be hard to receive. If you didn’t want the divorce, the pain comes from rejection, and shock to say the least. In order to live happily you have to invest in yourself. You must take responsibility for yourself and not expect someone else to carry you over the line.”

All names are fictitious in order to withhold identity.