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 Wait a minute
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
The good news
 Lawyer: I have some good news
and some bad news.
Client: Well, give me the
bad news first.
Lawyer: The bad news is that the
DNA tests showed that it was your
blood they found all over the crime
scene
Client: Oh no! I'm ruined! What's
the good news?
Lawyer: The good news is your
cholesterol is down to 130!
The crossing
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large
raging,
violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of
how to do
so.The first man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me the
strength to cross
this river." *Poof!* God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was
able to
swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple
of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, "Please God, give me
the
strength ...and the tools to cross this river." *Poof!*
God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about
an hour,
after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also
prayed to
God saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools...And the
intelligence... to cross this river." And *Poof!* God turned him into a
woman. She
looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked
across
the bridge.
Shop lifting
 This 80 year old woman was arrested for shoplifting in a supermarket.
When she
went before the judge he asked her, 'What did you steal?'
She replied, 'A can of peaches.'The judge then asked her why she had
stolen the
can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry.
The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied that
there were six.
The judge said, 'Then I will give you six days in jail.' Before the
judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband stood
up, and asked the judge
if he could say something.
The judge said, 'What is it?'
The husband said, 'She also stole a can of peas.'
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