Occasional jealousy is natural and can help keep a relationship
alive, but if it becomes intense and irrational it can be very
destructive. We’ve all experienced jealousy at some time in our lives,
although the reasons why each of us gets jealous and the emotions we
feel may differ. According to clinical psychologist Ayala Malach Pines,
“jealousy is a complex reaction to a perceived threat to a valued
relationship or to its quality”. Unlike envy, it always involves a fear
of loss and three people.
Jealousy is a “complex reaction” because it involves such a wide
range of emotions, thoughts and behaviours.
• Emotions - pain, anger, rage, sadness, envy, fear, grief,
humiliation.
• Thoughts - resentment, blame, comparison with the rival, worry about
image, self-pity.
• Behaviours - feeling faint, trembling and sweating, constant
questioning and seeking reassurance, aggressive actions, even violence.
 In relationships where feelings of jealousy are mild and occasional,
it reminds the couple not to take each other for granted. It can
encourage couples to appreciate each other and make a conscious effort
to make sure the other person feels valued.
Jealousy heightens emotions, making love feel stronger and sex more
passionate. In small, manageable doses, jealousy can be a positive force
in a relationship. But when it’s intense or irrational, the story is
very different.
Sometimes jealous feelings can get out of proportion. For example,
when a man makes an embarrassing scene at a party because his wife
accepts an invitation to dance with an old friend, or when a woman is
overwhelmed with jealousy because her husband’s company appoints a
female boss.
These kinds of reaction can put a huge strain on a relationship,
leaving the other partner feeling as though they’re constantly walking
on eggshells to avoid a jealous reaction. The jealous partner, often
aware of their problem, swings between self-blame and justification.
Overcoming jealousy takes patience and hard work. If you feel your
jealousy stems from issues in childhood, you may find counselling
useful. If you’re recovering from an affair, you’ll need to deal with
those issues first.
Here are some things you can do for yourself
Give yourself a reality check - take a good look at those things that
trigger your jealousy and ask yourself how realistic the threat is.
What evidence do you have that your relationship is in danger? And is
your behaviour actually making the situation worse?
Use positive self-talk - when you start feeling the twinges of
jealousy, remind yourself that your partner loves you, is committed to
you and respects you. Tell yourself you’re a loveable person and that
nothing’s going on.
Seek reassurance - one of the best ways to beat jealousy is to ask
your partner for reassurance. Make sure you don’t nag or bully, but
rather share your insecurities and ask them to help you overcome the
problem.
– BBC
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