Adventure of entering another's heart

I was in a long queue to cash a money order at the post office. All of a sudden there was a big commotion. The customer in the front of the queue started an argument with the counter officer when he was asked to establish his identity. The customer lost his cool over the request and asked the counter officer how he could produce a witness known to him.

"Please produce your National Identity Card," requested the officer very politely.

"I lost my NIC sometime ago and I have applied for a new one."

"Then you will have to produce a witness known to me or the post master."

Both parties argued and shouted at each other and there was no solution in sight. The exasperated customer left the counter, cursing everybody at the post office. The officer too became agitated and showed signs of restlessness. The others in the queue had to bear the brunt of all the unpleasantness including the long delay.

The post office is not the only place where people enter into unnecessary arguments. At railway stations, supermarkets and in buses people are ever ready to show their skills in argument. Very often most passengers kick up a row over the balance money due to them. It is true that there are dishonest conductors. However, passengers have a duty to give them the exact bus fare. How can the conductor find change when he has to deal with so many passengers?

The whole problem lies in our inability to empathize. Empathy is the ability to appreciate the other person's feelings without yourself becoming so emotionally involved that your judgement becomes affected.

Empathy sharpens our perception in all sorts of situations in our daily lives. Fortunately, it is a state of mind anyone can develop and improve.

We are more familiar with the term 'sympathy' than 'empathy'. Sympathy says, "I feel as you do." On the other hand, empathy says, "I know how you feel." In other words, empathy helps us to use our heads than our hearts. When you see a beggar, you sympathize with him by catching and reflecting on some of his suffering. Sometimes, you dig into your pocket and give him a few coins. Your donation may not be sufficient for him to have a square meal. Therefore, he may be forced to beg for some more money to buy a plate of rice and curry. Thus, your anxiety in turn may increase his distress.

Such a situation does not arise when you empathize with the beggar.

When you employ empathy, you bring to bear a detached insight which is of far greater help to the beggar in fulfilling his needs.

How to acquire empathy is the million dollar question. According to psychologists this can be done through role-playing. For instance, you can grasp the essential pattern of the feelings of another person by telling yourself: "Now I am going to step into the beggar's shoes and face the situation." If you are always well-fed and never starved even for a day, you will never experience the pangs of hunger. If you can imagine that you are a beggar who has had no meals for a few days, you will begin to feel the pangs of hunger.

Once my purse was picked and I had no money to return to office. I started looking for someone known to me so that I could ask for a small loan. Finding no one, I turned to an elderly gentleman and explained my situation thinking that he would help me. He looked at me sharply and said, "I have heard such cock and bull stories many times before, get lost!" I do not blame him because there are many crooks operating in the city. If he had empathized with me, he would have given me at least my bus fare!

When we grow old, we expect teenagers too to behave like us. When we were teenagers we did not listen to our elders. So, how can you blame today's teenagers? Therefore, even here you need empathy to understand why teenagers behave in a particular manner. If you expect them to act like elderly people, there is something radically wrong with you.

It is strange but true that we sometimes practise empathy unconsciously. If we did not do so, we would be completely out of touch with people. Everybody should try to use this force consciously.

There is nothing people will tell us or do for us if we approach them in the correct way. If only we can understand their feelings better, they will be ready to help us. The recognition of their feelings is of paramount importance. This is the first step to generate empathy in others.

The awareness of how others think and feel can be the key to effective leadership and management. A leader of an organization or a country must be able to understand the feelings of his fellowmen. When a worker is not recognized by his boss even his output drops. When he is recognized his output increases.

If you wish to practise empathy, you need loads of patience. Empathy works well when you remain detached and ready to acknowledge the other person's feelings. Such an effort is always rewarding. For instance, entering the mind and heart of another human being can be a great adventure. The day you acquire this skill, you become a complete man or woman!

When you decide to help someone in need through empathy, you have a responsibility on your shoulders. Helping another person can take many forms. When you see an injured man lying on the road, the most indirect form of helping him is to call the police. You may decide to give him first aid or take him to the nearest hospital. Whatever you do, you do it with empathy and altruism. Sometimes, altruism requires some degree of self sacrifice. For instance, those who helped strangers escape from the burning World Trade Center towers during the September 11, 2001 terrorist attack in New York City put themselves at risk by doing so.

Empathy trains you to do things which bring advantages to other people, even if it results in disadvantages to yourself. Although most human beings are not known for their altruism, it is a rare quality we should cultivate.