Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.

Class: Hooray

Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

*****

Teacher: That's quite a cough you have there, what are you taking for it ?

Pupil: I don't know teacher. What will you give me ?

*****

Son: I can't go to school today.

Father: Why not ?

Son: I don't feel well

Teacher: Where don't you feel well ?

Son: In school !

****

Father: I hear you skipped school to play football

Son: No I didn't, and I have the fish to prove it !

Pupil (on phone) : My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.

School Secretary: Who is this ?

Pupil: This is my father speaking !

*****

When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom ?

Because there are no pupils to see !

*****

Why did the teacher put the lights on ?

Because the class was so dim !

*****

How did the boy feel after being caned ?

Absolutely whacked !

*****

What's black and white all over and difficult ?

An exam paper ! 

*****

Teacher: Can anyone tell me how many seconds are there in a year ?

Pupil: 12 - 2nd January, 2nd February...!