Mother-in-law vs. daughter-in-law :

The eternal row perpetuates ...

by Samangie WETTIMUNY

Can you guess what made my friend Dulanji select her husband? "What a funny question?, how do we know about your friend ?" You must be thinking. Yeah, You are absolutely correct. Being her friend for years, even I myself found it difficult to give the correct reply when she asked me " Samangie, just guess why I chose Nipun to be my 'man'?". "Well, he must be as handsome as Mr. Darcy.....or he must be the owner of Pemberly....or he must be well mannered, well accomplished and highly qualified as Mr. Darcy." I went on until she stopped me " Nonsense, the main reason is his mother is no more. Nandammage karadere nathi eka thamai lokuma de.."!

As Dulanji says almost all mothers-in-law suffer from a universal 'ailment'-jealousy! As a teenager she had seen how her own sister suffered due to unnecessary interventions of her mother-in-law. Her eyes always followed my sister, monitoring each and every movement of hers. She always wanted to pick up a quarrel with my sister. I never wanted to undergo the same kind of 'suffering'. So I was thinking of taking "precautionary measures. And I did!" She burst into laughter.

It seems that no daughter-in-law ever wants to have a mother-in-law by her side. Somehow they have to tolerate her 'unpleasant presence' just to please their husbands. "But whenever I get a chance to avoid it I make the full use of it." says Avanthi. "During week days I am fully occupied with office work and my husband and I return home very late. Prior to marriage I was eagerly waiting for a weekend, but now I hate it. It is all because I have to spend most of my time with my mother-in-law."

But now Avanthi too had taken 'precautionary' measures to minimise her association with her mother-in-law. Almost every weekend she makes arrangements either to go on a trip or to visit her parents. "Less company, less trouble." she laughed, but pleaded with me to use neither her name nor that of her mother-in-law in the newspaper.

The story of Mayanthi whom I got to know through a friend of my aunt is even more "funny". Thirty- four year old Mayanthi had to live with her in-laws for nearly five or six years. Though she dearly loved her father-in-law, she could never stand the presence of her mother-in-law. But she was smart enough to put on a friendly face in order to avoid unnecessary trouble.

As my aunt said Mayanthi was a smooth operator and it was in a subtle manner that she put her plan into action. Being a teacher she could find a very good job in the Middle East. Though her accountant husband was reluctant to go abroad even for a few years, Mayanthi somehow managed to persuade him until he gave his consent. As he too found a job in the same country, both of them went abroad. However, despite his lucrative foreign job and other prospects he always wanted to return home, but couldn't make it as his wife was ever so reluctant to come back.

"But she is always careful enough not to reveal the real cause for her reluctance to her husband. Instead she would tell him that it is rather better to stay in the Middle East as they can earn five or six times more than what they can do in Sri Lanka per month.

The real cause,of course is only known to Mayanthi's mother. You can guess what it is? It is her dislike to live with her mother-in-law." said my aunt.

Though more and more depressed 'daughters-in-law' came out with 'haunting tales' of their lives with 'mothers-in-law', all of them wanted me to conceal their identity. "If you want me to have peace in my family, please don't carry my name." Anushka, another victim pleaded with me.

As Anushka said both she and her husband decided to shift from their ancestral home solely due to her mother-in-law's weird behaviour. She simply found fault with almost everything the two of them did. "Even if two of us laughed a bit louder she found it irritating. Moreover she always found fault with food I prepared, dresses I wore etc. But I tolerated all the inconveniences simply because I did not want to hurt my husband's feelings. In fact I made quite a few attempts to fit in.

But it came to a stage that I could not tolerate any longer"

Is the mother-in-law and daughter-in-law conflict is as ancient as the institution of marriage itself? The image of 'mother-in-law' has developed in such a negative way that every girl who enters into marriage has that phobia. This is what we see even on television. It is implied that mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law are always at loggerheads.

As Mrs. Nawarathna, a retired schoolteacher and mother of two married sons says it is an accepted fact that mothers are more attached to their sons.

"They are so possessive of their sons and would feel jealous when another woman gets closer to their sons. That is actually very wrong." As a Buddhist she follows the middle path. "I have fulfilled my duties and responsibilities to my sons. Now they can live independently. So I do not want to interfere with their lives."

As she says problems will arise as long as you treat your daughter-in-law as a stranger or an enemy. You should be ready to accept her as your own daughter."

Mrs. Nawarthna says both her daughters-in-law are quite friendly with her. "So far I have never come across any issue over anything. But I don't know whether they pass remarks behind my back as your other interviewees do." she laughed.

But thirty-six-year-old Avanthi does not agree with Mrs. Nawarathna.As she says Mrs. Nawarathna's case is an exception. "She does not have daughters. It is normally sisters-in-law who create trouble.

As long as you don't have a sister-in-law to carry tales to your mother-in-law, you are safe. As Avanthi says it is horrible to have both a sister-in-law and a mother-in-law around! It is rather better to move into a small hut than living with them. "They would 'prepare the ground for war' and would slowly watch until your mother-in-law declares war against you!." "Sometimes they may put on a friendly look , but would always treat you as a stranger." Avanthi must have referred to sisters-in-law like Danuni. As Danuni says her sister-in-law always schemed to move out from Danuni's ancestral house because she was not ready to make any sacrifice for her husband's family.

"She always wanted to keep her distance. Even when she is at home she never wanted to help us with household chores.

During week days both my husband and I would go to office and at weekends she would stay in her room doing her personal work."

As Dulani says her sister-in-law was not ready to listen to any advice given by Dulani's mother. For the slightest thing she would burst into tears and rush to her room. Ultimately my brother decided to move to his wife's parents' place leaving behind his own parents."

Hardly do we hear daughters-in-law making positive remarks about their mothers-in-law.

Nadunika initially considered her mother-in-law a pest. But now as a mother of two she is compelled to think of the positive side of it. "When my mother is sick or when my servant is away my mother-in-law is on call. Then she has to be the baby-sitter of my children.

Though she is not on good terms with me, can she be hard on her own grandchildren.?" She asked. " Even now she is at home looking after my children." As she says that any 'difficult' mother-in-law can be a blessing at times. "So you better tolerate them and should send them a pudding or a pie whenever you can." She burst into laughter , but looked at me doubtfully and asked. "Paththareta Danne na neda. If you do it you can do so under one condition. Please find me a good nanny for my children!" "It seems that you too are harsh on her. Isn't that so?" I asked her.

"No, never. I am sure no woman on earth could have ever been more tolerant than myself. I underwent hell."

But it seems that mothers-in-law hold a different view. As they say daughters-in-law should never forget that their mothers-in-law had made lots of sacrifices to nurture their future 'husbands'. If he is well mannered, well cultured, all these can be attributed to his upbringing or the way his parents brought him up. "You are young enough to understand this now. You will understand what I say only when you grow old and give your son in marriage!"

But Hashinika says that you need not wait until you give your sons in marriage to understand the mentality of a mother-in-law.

"All what you have to do is to treat her with dignity and make her feel that she plays an important role in your life. However rude she might be, always treat her as your own mother. After all she is your husband's mother!"

Names have been changed