'Orphaned parents' languish in homes

"We are orphaned parents", said the woman flatly. Her husband himself coined the word. "If there are orphaned children why can't there be orphaned parents?" said the husband L.C. Rodrigo who is recuperating from a hairbreadth escape from death in their home many years ago.

St. Andrews Home for Elders in Rajagiriya has been their home ever since they decided to come back to Sri Lanka. St. Andrews has become a home to many others such as Dr. Sitha and Loid Rodrigo who have been forced to stay behind, while their children have migrated to foreign countries.

Sad plight

It is indeed sad to see the plight of these people who have rendered such a great service to the country who have now been pushed into a forgotten corner not just by their children, but by the rest of the country.

'Elders' homes' are a fairly modern phenomena that were virtually unheard of during the 'king's time'. Western influence, industrialisation and man's busy life has threatened the once peaceful extended family unit of the traditional Sri Lankan society.

"All of us at St. Andrews used to live full lives" said Dr. Sitha Rodrigo, who has a PhD in Chemistry. "Now there's hardly anything to do." Added Loid Rodrigo, a fellow, Institute of Chartered Accountants. "But what matters is not what happened to you but what you do with what happened to you" said Loid.

Filomina Rajanayagam, aged 84, has been a resident of St. Andrews since 2002. She was running a restaurant in Italy, but had to return to Sri Lanka to be with her cancer stricken daughter. She claimed that although she misses her children, she prefers her life at St. Andrews because she is not under any obligation.

Thanks to the telephone she keeps in touch with her family abroad. "On weekends the telephone is fully booked by my grandchildren", said Filomina.

She explained that the facilities today are so advanced that they do not miss their children as much as they would have missed them otherwise. "Although it's not the same as having your children with you physically it's enough to keep me happy." Her happy-go-lucky tone was proof of her being liberal minded. But this was not the same for many others at St. Andrews.

Tinge of sadness

Meg Simon, aged 78, has been at St. Andrews for 19 years. Her youngest son who has been abroad since he was 18 is now 42. Her second son has been in England for four years. She said that except her youngest son, the others come to see her at least once a year. But her face lit up when she spoke of her grandchild - Kaya - the daughter of her youngest son.

"I haven't seen her for some time though," she said with a tinge of sadness in her voice. "She is a lovely little thing, quite intelligent. When they call she'd say 'Hi granny' in that cute accent of hers." Meg claimed that she does not know how to contact them and has to wait for a call from them.

Reeta Meegama, aged 80, has been a resident at St. Andrews for seven years. She says she is sorry that she would miss one of her twin granddaughters' wedding because she finds it difficult to travel. Although she misses having all her children with her at the same time, she accepts it is impractical to expect her children to turn up at the same time, with their busy schedules.

Volunteers who could engage the elders get involved in activities like playing music, singing and dancing are most welcome at St. Andrew's suggested Dr. Sitha Rodrigo. "Some of the residents here hardly get to go out at all." Even though the Rodrigos had each other to keep them company, according to Dr. Sitha Rodrigo. Some residents suffer from a lot of psychological problems.

Blessings of parents

M. Webber, a Matron at St. Andrews Home for the elders pointed out that there are pros and cons of living with children. "Some children do not realise the blessing of having a parent at home, while some parents tend to interfere with their children's affairs unnecessarily" she said. "They are so sure that they are suffering from a terminal illness," she said. "And when their children finally do turn up they are overjoyed. It's like somebody coming to see you at hospital."

In spite of their nonchalant tone while speaking to me and my photographer, Webber's account shed some light on the real psychological condition of some of St Andrews' residents. She explained that their yearning to be with their children is so immense that they constantly complain. "If a son cannot take the mother to a doctor the least they could do is to offer a kind word", said Webber. "This is what any parent expects." Webber explained that some of her residents crave for attention. So much so that this later develops into a paranoia that required heaps of drugs to deal with superficial illnesses. Some of them complain of their tongue being parched, lumps and nodules in the body and persistent headaches.

De-bonding

Dr. Sarath Perera, Senior Lecturer and Professional Counselor, Institute of Psychotherapy and Counselling, Ja-Ela explained that these complaints are symptoms of a developing neurosis. "This happens due to the physical disconnection or 'de-bonding' from children" explained Dr. Perera. The bond that forms with long years of child rearing is threatened; parents tend to feel alienated, giving rise to many psychological disorders.

Erratic behaviour and the need for overprotection are signs that this neurosis can develop into anxiety disorders. "Symptoms such as persistent chronic headache, circulatory problems, back aches, ulcers and lumps are referred to as 'Somataform disorders', where the physicians cannot find anything wrong in the patient physically." This condition could lead to paranoia and ultimately even a nervous breakdown. "Patients may even attempt to commit suicide."

He explained that the only way to deal with these problems is to allow the parents to see their children as much as possible. "Or a caretaker trained in 'prejudgemental' listening, which means somebody who is already aware of their condition." He noted the lack of counselling in residential care and suggested that the next best thing to having a resident or visiting counselor is to train the staff of institutions such as elders' home on counselling.

For Swineetha Wijenayake - owner and matron, Revendal Resort Piliyandala - counselling comes with the territory. She does not only listen to problems of her residents but other elderly parents in trouble. A mother who desperately needed to get out of her life living in a huge house contacted Swineetha four years ago.

"She said that she lived in a huge house which she couldn't maintain anymore. " Swineetha said that the mother calls her every now and then just for company. Swineetha said that the woman fell in love with Revendal Resort - with its own greenery and adjacent lake - as soon as she saw the place. She was very depressed because she was not exposed to nature." Swineetha said that her children although living separately refused to let her leave the house because there would be no one to maintain it or direct the domestics.

No choice

Although Swineetha guarded the privacy of her residents she spoke to the Sunday Observer on behalf of them.

While some parents are not properly taken care of by their children in Sri Lanka other children who are abroad may not have a choice but to leave their parents under the care of luxury elders' homes.

A couple - now residing in Revendal Resort - missed the chance of spending the last few years of their lives with their children in Canada because their visas were rejected.

Another couple domiciled in the US had to move to Dubai for four years so that they could be with their parents, whose visas were rejected on the ground of being overaged. When asked why they didn't move to Sri Lanka Swineetha said that they said it was difficult to adopt themselves to the country. But it is rather ironical that they found it easier in Dubai.

The plight of a couple who did not wish to identify themselves but called themselves 'orphaned parents' is no better than that of a couple living in an elders home. Their eldest child is dumb while one of their daughters who was in Canada died.

"My daughter was terminally ill" said the father crying. "But they refused to give us visa, although all our children migrated legally. We had to share our last moments in the web camera." They were not granted visa to attend her funeral. They have not even seen her seven-year-old girl, except over the web camera.

What the Thurairatnam's miss most is the hustle and bustle of the house in the morning when their children are about to set off to work. Although they are not in an elders home yet and are living in their own home the father says that if it ever comes to that they would be in a home in Sri Lanka rather than end up in a home in an unfamiliar country.

Diminishing bond

The mother is clearly not happy and remembers how she used to take care of her old parents. "It's not that they are not caring, but it's no longer possible in such a hectic society" said the mother.

Tilak de Zoysa, Chairman, HelpAge explained that the traditional bond between child and parent is fast diminishing, due to economic reasons, even from village culture. "There is no substitute for being with their children physically, while satisfying their emotional needs. If you have the privilege but choose not to be with them at their old age, such acts should be condemned."

Yamuna Chithrangani, Secretary Ministry of Social Services' and Social Welfare revealed that the demand for home caring by elder's homes and old people living alone at home has increased.

Five batches consisting of 30 in each have already been trained by the ministry as carers. "But this growing demand for home caring is also indicative of the neglect of the elders in the society." She admitted that they are no replacement for their own children.

J. Krishnamurthi, Director, National Secretariat for Elders' said that they hope to deal with the psychological problems faced by the elders through psychological intervention programs. A cadre of 100 counsellors in various Divisional Secretariats will deal with psychological problems of elders.

Lost human connection

"This is a fairly modern trend" said Dr. Praneeth Abeysundara, Head, Department of Sociology and Anthropology, University of Sri Jayewardenapura. "Caring for elders, handicap, sick and feeble was always considered meritorious.

This was the same for all religious value systems in Sri Lanka." He explained that the whole concept of 'family institute' was threatened by the hectic lifestyle resulted from Sri Lanka's transition from agriculture based system to industrial.

"With this the extended family system changed into nuclear family system." Often leaving the old parents to fend for themselves to seek paid assistance as in the case of modern society.

With higher levels of education and political instability many Sri Lankans sought employment elsewhere.

According to Dr. Abeysundara, Braindrain is the least of our problems. "This sociological shift rendered elders homeless" while others were taken away as babysitters for their grandchildren. Some are sent to luxury elder's homes while others are just abandoned.

Dr. Abeysundara said that in spite of all the luxuries they feel a sense of isolation. "That human connection is lost leading to depression" he said. "The whole sense of 'family' is lost".

He explained this proves that a whole dimension of society is changing. "This new branch 'adult abuse' as similar to child abuse is a premonition of a huge social issue."

- SP