 Humour in Uniform
by T. V. Perera
The plain daughter of a General was engaged to be married to a young
officer on her father’s staff. Couldn’t you do something for Sena now
that he’s asked me to marry him? She asked her father one day. There’s
not much I can do really’, replied the General, ‘except get him a medal
for gallantry!
An orderly officer was inspecting the kitchen before evening tea. He
thought he would test the intelligence of the cook on duty.‘Why is it’,
he said, pointing to the hot water in the large copper, ‘that the water
is only boiling round the edges of that copper pot and not in the
middle?The cook said, ‘Ah well you see, Sir, the water round the edges
is for the guards’ tea; they come in an hour before the others’
It was family day at the army camp. A very attractive young lady was
amongst the crowd at the rifle range. Suddenly a volley of shots rang
out without warning; the young lady gave a small scream of surprise and
involuntarily clutched the arm of a young second lieutenant standing
next to her.
‘Oh I do beg your pardon’, she said. ‘I was startled by the noise?
‘That’s quite all right’, the young officer answered. ‘Let’s get out of
here and take a walk down to the artillery range’.
The signals corps is now working on a very advanced project. They’re
trying to cross a carrier-pigeon with a woodpecker so that it can knock
on the door before delivering the message.
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Military experts tell us that if World War III were to break out at 9
o’clock one morning, it would be over by teatime. At least that will
leave us the evening free.
~~~~~~~~~
The officer was visiting the new recruits after their first week of
service.
‘Are you happy in the army? he asked one youth.
‘As happy as can be expected I suppose’ was the reply.
‘And what were you before you joined the army?
‘A lot happier’.
----------------------<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
The under-mentioned personnel will parade outside company HQ at 1400
hours today for the award of good-conduct medals. Disciplinary action
will be taken against any personnel late on parade.
~~~~~~~~~
The new recruit came back from the rifle range with the lowest score
ever recorded in the history of the regiment. ‘I don’t know what to say!
‘he said to his platoon sergeant. ‘I feel like going off into a quiet
corner and shooting myself! ‘Well, you’d better take plenty of bullets’,
said the sergeant.
~~~~~~~~~~
A typist once turned up to work wearing a brooch made from three
officer’s shoulder pips. ‘I suppose that means you have a captain for a
boyfriend? said her boss. ‘No’, she replied. ‘Three second lieutenants’.
A squad of soldiers was out doing field work and the officer asked
one of them to see if he could estimate without binoculars how many men
there were in a party digging a ditch about half a kilometre away.
~~~~~~~~~
‘There’s 12 men, Sir, and one officer, said the soldier. The officer
in charge glanced through his field-glasses and said, ‘you’re absolutely
right-but how did you know that one of the party was on officer?
“There’s one of them digging, Sir?’ he replied the soldier.
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The potential conscript stood before the medical officer. Without
looking up, the MO said, ‘Strip to the waist and sit in that chair’.
The man did so, and the MO looked up and said, All right, you’re in.
Get dressed again’.
‘But you haven’t even examined me!’ protested the man.
‘I don’t need to’, came the reply. You heard what I said, so your
ears are ok. You saw the chair, so your eyes are ok. You are physically
capable of taking your clothes off and sitting down; and you had
sufficient intelligence to understand and carry out my orders. Next
please!’
‘There’s one of them not digging, Sir, replied the soldier.
A high-ranking officer driving out of camp was stopped at the gate by
an enthusiastic sentry. |
