Agni Chakra

(Circles of Fire)

(Chapter 24)

By Kathleen JAYAWARDENE

Translated by Ranga Chandrarathne and Edited

by Indeewara Thilakarathne

I was profusely perspiring. I was diving in the boiling cauldron of the Lokumbu hell. My body moved up and down in the thorny three. My eyes were wetted with extreme pity.

I thought that I could commence the life again at the tail end of the life. I drove home with the Sari with yellow –roses embossed on it, like a pious priest who was about to enter the temple to worship the godmother after being cleansed with yellow disinfectant.

I was once again nervous as to why I took the turn to Kumaratunga Mawatha instead of turning the vehicle to Baudaloka Mawatha at Thummulla junction.

Now I am realising how my mind, with a sense of elation after the Nadiyakyam prediction, is compelling me to spend the rest of my days comfortably with no stress. I had convinced myself to inform Shantha of my disease; the cancer. I wanted to make a confession and an apology to her. But all my hopes were shattered. The mouth which was opened to chant a hymn was now murmuring ‘bloody bitch’ from time to time. I was confused like a passenger in a ferry which was stranded mid river with a broken oars. I have nothing left to say and nobody to share with me. I have to endure everything by myself. Can I reprimand Shantha taking her by her hair for adultery? How can I pocket her scornful remarks at me? Sometimes, she may remain silent. If it would be so wouldn’t that attack be fatal for me?

Ultimately, I arrive at the conclusion to spend the remainder of my life without telling anything to anyone and to lead a quiet life. But how long can I lead such a pretentious life? On the other hand, have I ever lead a just life?

I suspect that at any time, Kanchana would dash into the room. Kanchana who is of Prabuddha’s age..? What a whore she is ….?

I was furious. I thought how justifiable father was when he killed mother at the stone precipice.

‘They should be killed…”

I could see mother’s disfigured face. I was afraid for nothing. What am I thinking of?

Again and again, I saw was Shantha’s round face. The eyelids which symbolising uprightness and honesty…still bright red lips…Well-shaped cheeks…pointed chin…a flower like face...I see a rose blossomed in the court yard of Gimhana Asapuwa. I imagined how Kanchana cruelly crushed that flower. I do not want evidence for Kanchana’s stubborn nature, his rushing into things.

The tremor produced by the banging of the table with the fist created a strange kind of fear. I thought that someone, at any moment, would bang on the closed door of the room. I tried to be patient. But I could not control my craze.

Fortunately, the mobile phone was ringing. Almost automatically I took it up. It was Parvathi’s disturbed voice on the other end:

“Professor… we have sent nine hundred parcels of food to Anuradhapura with some medicine. But we did not call media personnel. Why should we seek publicity for these events?”

I knew the prime objective of the call was nothing but publicity. However, I liked Parvathi as she was able to direct my attention at another area. Because of torrential rains in the North –Western province, the river Mahaweli had burst its banks and Parvathi’s voluntary organisation was in the forefront in distributing reliefs to the displaced.

“Oh, Professor, all of them are providing relief only to Sinhalese villagers. Racism is even in aid distribution. Therefore, we thought of selecting some Muslims and Tamil villagers to distribute aid.” Parvathi said yesterday evening. I nodded in approval. It was Amritha who reminded me that there were other NGOs that were ready to distribute aids to Tamil and Muslim villagers as Sinhalese organisations were distributing aids to Sinhalese villagers. Though Sinhalese organisations united under the banner of ‘Racial amity’, these organisations also had ‘urge to separate’ or to serve one’s own clan. I realised there were Tamil organisations with the same motive. It was because of this that I could see all of these gathering together. All these groups had no difference. This was caused by ‘I’ syndrome. Wasn’t that causing problems to anyone?

Once I told Ratnaweera the adverse repercussions of being racist under the banner of Sinhalese nationalism or religious fanaticism. I told this after listening to the deep analysis of Buddhist philosophy.

Though I told him that the truth of Buddhism was covered by rituals, he brushed it off. Ratnaweera said that the stem as well as fruits are needed for the sustenance of a tree. He told me if you cut off the fruits, the stem would not be destroyed.

The video cassette that Amritha secretly gave me, was in the table drawer. I touch it with the fear that one would touch the tail of a serpent. I felt that the serpent would sting me and that its poison would spread throughout the body. I thought what a calamity this was. The Nadivakyam predictor said my troubles would last only for three months. It brought an immense relief to me at the moment. But I thought whether I had ever experienced a trouble. Even now, I was with great doubt and repentance. That pressure would make me forget the cancer in the stomach. This video cassette had almost suppressed my fear of death.

I could remember a novel or a short story I had read. Though it was not a triangular love story it had only three characters; an old fisherman, young fisherman and the young wife of the old fisherman. One night, the old man and the youngster were caught up in a current mid-sea. The fishermen who clung on to the upturned boat were able to survive two days without food or water. The old fisherman told the young fisherman that he would give up the grip and the youngster told the old man try to hold it. The old man tried to loosen the grip. Realising the gravity of the situation, the young fisherman told the old man “I am having an intimacy with your wife”. On hearing this old man mustering courage said, “I will not give up the grip”.

Did not such a gush of feelings arise in me as soon as I took the video cassette and on hearing the liaison between Kanchana and Shantha? Within a second, I felt that an abandoned worthless pebble had suddenly turned into a blue sapphire. I could not bear up the speed of my pulse. I felt that pent up energies were getting released. If Shantha were around at the moment, I would have been violent. It was only now that I realised that I had trusted Shantha. I knew that sometimes I went astray amidst mounting desires and wanting to break the monotony not because I had detested Shantha. I felt even now that the goddess in the altar of my heart was Shantha. But I had never revealed this to her. Most of them known to me were also the same. Society termed it as ‘betrayal’. I knew for sure that the entire society is suffering from nervous trouble with regard to sex.

I stood up to find a place where I could watch the video secretly. When Amritha told me about this, I looked at her with contempt. The feeling I had when Dr. Jothiratne heartlessly told me that I was a cancer patient, was similar to this one. Later, I thought why Amritha was so cruel as to completely destroy the peace of my mind.

Hearing someone tapping at the door, I opened it. I saw the pale face of Amritha. “Sir, excuse me…..” she said with red eyes.

“Sir, please give that cassette to me!”

I turned and sat on the chair. Amritha stood before me with her down cast head. “I think I should not have told that to you. I repent since then”

“That’s ok. All of us make mistakes” I said in a calm tone. Now my aim was not to reveal to her my disturbed state of mind.

“That video was with Dhanushka. But I made him promise that it would not go to others.

With closed eyes, I listened to her. I felt as if my head was about to burst.

“I told this as I could not bear up Kanchana’s betrayals. I only wanted to say that he is a son of a gun. But in reality I have disturbed the relationship between Sir and Madam. Sir, please forget about it. It happened long time ago. “

I was reminded that Kanchana had not visited Gimhana Asapuwa for a long time. Why didn’t I guess the reason why Kanchana suddenly stopped visiting Gimhana Asapuwa? Only when I observed carefully that I understood that Shantha suddenly stopped cracking jokes at Kanchana’s expense. I could have detected that change in Shantha if I had observed her behaviour with interest. Now I realised that she even tried to avoid me during the period. But I could not detect any change of behaviour on the part of Kanchana up to date.

“Scoundrel…”

I was fuming with rage. The anger had overwhelmed the sadness and despair. Ratnaweera said if one wanted to release oneself from this circuitry of emotional upheavals, one should identify them. He believes that the only way lies through meditation. But could those who are living in a chaotic environment develop such intense awareness?

I silently looked at the world at large through the window. I was reminded again what a foolish deed I had done by driving to the university instead of directly driving from Majestic City to home.

But now nothing could be done about it.

Footnote

Lokumbu hell- A hell supposed to be full of boiling metal