Jaani's long road home

By Siwanandini DURAISWAMY

Jaani was a picture of misery. She had come a few days earlier than planned to Singapore from Paris on her way to Australia hoping to get away from her husband Bala. Bala was getting from bad to worse. He was unreasonable and would keep finding fault with her and end up by assaulting her. Quite often the beating took all the wind out of her and she becomes breathless and limp. She was always with bruises all over her body and was clever in hiding them or giving excuses to cover up! She had no one to confide in. Her mother was old and she did not want to trouble her. Roshan was her friend and though she liked him and knew him to be a good person yet she did not like the idea of going to him with complaints about Bala. Her Hindu upbringing made her feel that once married she should be loyal to the spouse! How could she discuss Bala with another man? She did not realize that this sense of loyalty to her husband was rather foolish.

Jaani would always attend the flag hoisting ceremony and the National Day celebrations at the Sri Lanka Embassy in Paris to mark The Independence Day on the 4th of February every year. She enjoyed seeing the National Flag unfurling and going up and listening to the National Anthem for she felt close to her motherland on those occasions.

Once when she met Roshan at the ceremony her shawl slipped off her shoulder exposing the horrible bruises on her arms. He was stunned to see this and as usual she tried to explain them away. It was then that he said for the first time, "Jaani there is something more to all this. Why don't you confide in me?" She was tight lipped and did not want to discuss this; not even with Roshan.

Jaani's life was a constant battle for survival. She tried hard to understand Bala, determine his mood of the hour and not incur his anger, but to no avail. Before she could even bat an eyelid he would start beating her and the abuses continued unabated. One would think that by abusing his wife, he feeds the monster in him! She accepted her lot and realized that she had to survive for Sumitran's sake.

What was stranger was that after abusing her verbally and physically, throwing more tantrums and breaking things, he would suddenly stop and leave as if nothing happened and his face would be seemingly transformed. His behaviour was disgusting. And it was poor Janni's lot to pick up the pieces!

Her friend Roshan was a Sri Lankan Sinhalese working in Paris as an accountant in a television firm. He was doing very well as an expatriate. He took a liking for Jaani nay perhaps something more and felt sorry for her thinking that she always looked sad and seldom spoke to anyone. "Something is very wrong in that set up; I must look into this to help Jaani for she does not deserve a life like the one Bala seems to be giving her," he would say to himself.

Unlike Roshan who had a regular job, Bala was an artist who was also doing well in life. He was a sculptor and a painter. He was good in both traditional and modern art. He would exhibit his paintings and be able to sell most of them. He had an assignment in Mauritius and was hoping to take his family there for a couple of years to finish his work. Jaani was concerned about going since Sumitran had started schooling in Paris. However, since French was one of the official languages in Mauritius, she felt that schooling would not be difficult for him there.

A few days prior to their departure to Sydney, as she and Sumitran were watching a television programme, Bala came home unannounced, picked up a quarrel with her and started assaulting her, calling her names and throwing things at her; after awhile he left as if nothing had happened. "Amma! Why do you allow appa to do this to you?" asked her son. She was speechless and tongue-tied for a moment.

"He does this so often and it still baffles me how he could do this without any qualms and get away as if nothing had happened," she cried. "Why! I seem to accept this, even after undergoing all this harassment," she mused surprised at her own behaviour.

At that particular moment she decided that she would go earlier to Singapore merely to get away from this man. The following morning she checked with her travel agent and advanced the date of departure.

Something told her that she should tell the travel agent not to speak about this with her husband. But her loyalty to her marriage prevented her from doing it. Little did she realize that more trouble was awaiting her because of this loyalty!

She carefully planned her trip, arranged the bags without Bala's knowledge and swore her son into secrecy. "Why are we going early? Let us go as planned," he asked. "Don't ask questions. Do as you are told. Remember not a word when father is here," she snapped back.

Both mother and son, with their bags went down the back stairway quietly without the father's knowledge. The father was working in his studio in front while these two left stealthily. She hailed a taxi and mother and son got into it and the cab slid into the quickly moving cars and disappeared into the traffic of Paris.

They were going very early but she wanted to get out of the apartment and away from all that was ugly there. She had packed a tuna sandwich lunch, together with cookies from her cookie jar, several pieces of cakes and fruits and water to drink.

She called Roshan before she left saying that she was going earlier than planned and not to speak about it to any one. Though concerned he was happy that she was going away and happier that she had taken the decision to act. "Jaani keep in touch," he said before hanging up.

She had also left behind two empty bags to give the wrong impression to Bala. Later that afternoon when he came home and had seen the bags ready for packing, he merely thought that Jaani had gone out shopping.

It was much later that he realized that the flat was empty and that mother and son had left. He checked with the travel agent whether there were any cancellations of the earlier bookings and realized that mother and son had left earlier than planned.

"I am right. That woman has gone taking Sumitran with her. She has gone to Singapore on her way to Sydney. Why did I ever agree to this silly annual trip? Why must she go every year to see her mother? This must stop," he kept screaming and throwing things.

The beans were spilt and later that evening he left for Singapore a very angry man. He knew where they would be staying, and without any warning appeared at the Orchard Hotel in Singapore.

He gently tapped on the door and without suspecting, Jaani opened the door thinking that it was room service that she had ordered. The long flight from Paris tired both Sumitran and mother and they were hoping to rest after taking some food.

She was taken aback to see Bala. Her face became a mask of shock and fear. Before she could realize what was happening, he pushed her inside and started assaulting her saying, "You bitch, did you think that you could get away from me. You were due to leave on Friday; why did you come without telling me?"

"Kill me if you want," she screamed. "You conned to me in Jaffna into believing that you loved me. You lied ..." before she could finish he lugged at her, started shaking her and slapped her across the face; grabbed her arm striking her again and again.

It was then that she saw Sumitran picking up something from the table and running with it towards the father. "Sumitran! Put that down," she screamed. At that moment, Bala's hold on her loosened and she was able to push him aside and for the first time slapped him hard across the face. He was stunned.

"If you touch my amma, I will kill you with this," screamed the little one, crying and running up to the mother. "Oh! Will you my brat," said the father and walked out of the room as if nothing had happened.

The moment Bala walked out of the room she quietly bolted it from inside and started packing again. She put most of her belongings and those of Sumitran's into the bigger bag and left one behind. She was physically tired, jet lag on one hand and the bruises on the other, she felt completely deflated, hungry, sick and miserable.

She was very frightened because her little son had come on the scene; what if Bala turns against him? She was totally confused yet kept thinking, 'I have to act fast.'

And then she heard her son saying, "Mum, I was happy to see you hitting appa across the face. Why do you let him beat you all the time?" He was watching his mother crying. He loved his mother and felt that his father was a cruel monster.

"Yes amma! Hit him back! Hit him back! I hate him," said the child crying. You know amma, if you don't I will hit him. I will kill him," said the little fellow emotionally charged.

"No! no darling. You should not do that. Two wrongs do not make a right. He is your appa and you should respect him," said the mother.

"How could I respect someone like him? You should hit him back. And with that he will stop," said Sumitran with a great deal of wisdom.

'How could he be doing this? He abuses me and then walks out as if nothing has happened. What sort of person is he? This is happening too often,' thought Jaani unable to control herself. 'How do I correct the situation? I have been trying but Bala is so unreasonable and more often than not, he keeps abusing me. O Lord! Tell me how I should correct this horrible situation,' were her thoughts.

And suddenly she cried, "O God what have I got into?"

This sudden feeling came from deep within her. It gave her a jolt as she realized that this was a critical moment for her. She could not live the way she had been living, accepting Bala's sadistic ways any more!

" O! He is a sadist! And a megalomaniac," she thought with a heavy heart. A shudder passed through her and she realized that she was crying uncontrollably. "Amma! Please don't cry. I will look after you," said the little one holding her tightly.

Her thoughts went back to those early days before she met Bala for the first time.

She was studying at Chundikuli Girls' School in Jaffna. She had no father and the mother was a primary school teacher. Life was hard and even though they were always short of money for the extras of life she realized that she would have to do without these and did not worry the mother. She grew up to be a very considerate person.

She passed the Advanced Level but did not qualify to enter the university. She decided that she would follow courses in accountancy and IT - subjects that would earn her a good job hopefully in Colombo.

She was happily pursuing this course of study when Bala came into her life. During those early years, he was considerate and would help her in various ways and she naturally took a liking for him. He would come often to Jaffna from Paris and their love grew and both decided that they would get married.

Jaani's mother was a little skeptical saying, "What do we know about his background? Where does he come from and what is he really doing in Paris? We must look into all this before you get married. You have no siblings and you have no father. If something happens you will not be able to turn for help. You are from a good family; well born, well

bred and educated unlike Bala who doesn't seem to have any of these. Do be careful before plunging into marriage."

Jaani was blind and trusted Bala fully. They did get married in a very quiet ceremony at the Registrar's Office as Bala wanted and he left soon after saying that he would make the arrangements to receive his wife in his apartment in Paris.

She started studying French at the Alliance Française; watching the Bonsoir programme on the television was interesting and she learnt and saw more of France and above all was looking forward to seeing the Eiffel Tower, the river Seine flowing through Paris and Champs-Elysees - all names she was picking up from her lessons.

It all sounded really good to Jaani and she left for Paris a couple of months later after arranging for her mother to join mama in Sydney.

Jaani came to Paris with a lot of expectations to start life with Bala. On seeing the studio apartment she felt deflated and a little frightened. It was like a dungeon but she said nothing, and tried to keep smiling.

Bala had arranged a sumptuous meal for his bride. No one else was invited! Jaani had butterflies in her stomach and found it difficult to eat. Yet she managed to take something so that he would not notice her tension.

After her meal, she casually said, "Bala! I would like to finish the wonderful meal with a sweet." This was something that she was used to in her home - a piece of chocolate, half a laddu or kesari - nothing spectacular but a sweet bite!

With that request for a sweet began her problems on the first day itself. "Really you want a sweet is it? After all this food you do not appreciate my cooking but you want a sweet!" he shouted. She didn't quite understand from where all this was coming; yet she felt frightened and trapped.

After this tirade Jaani was left alone. She quietly opened the back door and stepped out to breathe fresh air. She came back soon for fear that Bala would return and may create more problems for her if she was not there.

Over the next few months she learned many lessons about Bala from her neighbours. They felt sorry for her despite the fact that she would hide all the tell-tale marks, the bruises. She realized that she had married a sick man - she was frightened even to use the word sick. She shivered to think that this was her lot.

Though life started on this difficult note yet there were times when Bala appeared as she thought, his usual self, loving and caring.

It was during those early days that she was able to arrange an annual trip to Australia to see her mother. Even though she never understood him and his ways yet she was strangely surprised that he did not stop her from going every year even after Sumitran was born. "Wonder how long this would last," she would say to herself.

"O Lord; it is obvious that he is jealous of me and my background. Amma warned me but I did not listen to her.

Her words 'you are well born, well bred and educated' does not fit into Bala's life at all and this is the problem. By abusing me he feels important and one better than me!"

A shudder passed through her and she was worried about the baby she was carrying. However, when she had earlier mentioned that she was pregnant, Bala was happy and for a few weeks he was considerate and kind. However, this did not last long and the abuses began perhaps a little less frequently. Her thoughts were running wild when suddenly Sumitran brought her back with a thud.

"Quick amma! Quick! Appa will come back and we don't know what he will do next. Let's get out of this place," said the child trying to bring her back to the present.

She was alerted and realized that they had to hurry.

As they were coming out to use the service elevator, the steward from Room Service was wheeling in the trolley with their breakfast. Mother and son stopped briefly and what ever they could take, they wrapped in the serviette, drank the juice and milk and told the steward to leave the tray in the room that they would come a little later to finish their meal. The man was a little perplexed. However, before he could say a word, both of them disappeared down the stairs.

Again they went down through the back stairs and after calling her cousin on the mobile, she carried her bags and through the side entrance took the taxi to the apartment complex at Gilman Heights all the time worried that they would be spotted by Bala..

Seeing mother and son thoroughly disheveled Maya asked, "What happened, you have been beaten up again." Jaani was beyond caring! "You are asking me, 'What happened?' I'll show you," she repeated and started showing her cousin the bruises. Her whole body was aching and her head was reeling. Maya took them upstairs and without more questions Jaani and Sumitran quietly settled down.

Maya was expecting her cousin; but not this early and certainly not in this disheveled state. She was happy to have them with her. "Please don't call amma! let us wait until next week when she would be expecting me. All that I can tell you now is that I am not going back to Paris. I am not going back to my husband," she blurted out.

"He is a megalomaniac. He appears good to people but with me he is a sadist. I am a red rag to him it seems. The moment he sees me his one wish is to abuse me. I cannot stand this any more. And just this morning, I saw Sumitran rushing towards the father shouting, 'I will kill you if you touch my amma. I hate you! I hate you!' This could be tricky and we might have a problem on our hands.

"However, I am sure of one thing. I am not going back to Paris. Amma need not know this, just now. I shall tell her quietly," she finished.

"Why are you hiding this from your mother," asked Maya feeling happy that at last her cousin was seeing reason. "You would always say that you had made your bed and you have to lie on it. I told you then that this was rubbish and that you have to pull yourself ..........." Before Maya could finish talking, both mother and son had fallen asleep.

She closed the door gently and went out. She called her aunt in Australia to give her the news. She told her the full story and said that she would try to rearrange the tickets through Kaula Lumpur -Singapore to Sydney and take Sumitran and Jaani there to board the flight. She didn't want Bala to meet them. "He is a monster," she said.

On waking up, Jaani's thoughts were dull and painful. Her one desire was to stay in her cousin's apartment and not venture out. She was in no mood to meet any one and did not want even a chance encounter with Bala. She felt secure here in the apartment.

Both mother and son went with Maya to Kaula Lumpur and took the flight to Sydney. In Australia she learnt from her mother more about Bala's background. Apparently his beginnings were spurious and not very legal - perhaps the son of the mistress of the master! She was now able to understand his madness.

Jaani learnt from her cousin that Bala had gone to Gilman Heights and was told that the whole family was holidaying in Europe and that no one was at home! He must have been completely baffled not knowing what his next move should be. He wouldn't dare go to Sydney - he was a little nervous of the old lady!

In the peaceful atmosphere of her mother's home in Sydney Jaani made the momentous decision. She decided that she would leave Bala and leave Paris. And for the first time in the last eight years she was excited about what life may have in store for her and she was not frightened. She knew that she was not going to be alone and feel lonely any more.

After six weeks of peace and quiet in Sydney and with their tickets rerouted to London, mother and son left in a happier frame of mind. Jaani was in touch with Roshan. He was greatly relieved to know that Jaani was moving on in life and that he could from now onwards be always there for her and little Sumitran.

He was coming down to London to meet them and take them to be with his sister and family.

"You could rest in Yorkshire for some time in peace and security. It is a beautiful place and you would love the beautiful and sprawling country side with its dales and moors and ancient cathedrals and ruins.

My sister's house is in the valley of the stream Ure with her lawns going down to the edge of the river.

It would be peaceful and my sister will be there for you. Leave the arrangements to me. I will look after you," he told her over the telephone.

The road that she had taken was long and tortuous and at times seemed endless. Now having taken her first step towards healing she knew that Roshan would be there for her always.