Agni Chakra

(Circles of Fire)

(Chapter 30)

By Kathleen JAYAWARDENA

I flew through the clouds as if piercing through a glacier. Though my eyes were closed following the breakfast and tasting the toffee that the air hostess gave me, stretching myself on the comfortable seat in a sleepy state, my mid pictured the world outside the small window. The golden rays reflecting on the clouds flashed on my closed eyes. I imagined how flora and fauna and fields of flowers were swaying on the earth to welcome a new day. The flight was scheduled to arrive at this small island within less than one hours. Do I begin to see sky, the earth and trees clearly because I am settled down?

The lemon flavour of the toffee was changing into orange flavour. I was reminded of the huge orange three that was visible from the balcony of Namunukula Circuit bungalow. I could remember how the inn-keeper Raman there had served us a plate of orange when we spent a night at the Circuit Bungalow during an educational tour. At the time, I was a final year university student. Did that huge tree which now bears fruits, come out of the seed I threw out that day? What was the potential for such a small seed to grow into a huge tree?

Potential...?

Have I begun to take an interest in potentiality?

Now I only could see the arrival and the departure from the State of California only as a step of my never ending montage of dream. I thought how Devendra would have been embarrassed by my stubborn and crazy behaviour. Though he tried to smile as usual, I thought his disappointment was visible in that smile. Sometimes, it could only be my imagination. But Ratnaweera's face and his smile had not betrayed the slightest change. However much I was confused, Ratnaweera did not come out with the question "Have you come here to play havoc?" From where could he inherit this discipline, pleasant disposition and equanimity? Invariably I was reminded of Amritha. Against which background, the duo have a common disposition and generality? Where lays its origin? Is there Sinhalese Buddhism or Buddhism?

Ratnaweera accompanied me to the airport and took my luggage with an unprecedented sympathetic manner. Is that amazing equanimity generated by the change resulting from Vipassana meditation?

I have still not touched the desert container covered with a led paper on the tray. I am removing its cover thinking that I would eat it if it would only turn out to be a fruit salad. The light green stuff in the container should be a jelly or a pudding. I thought it should be a variety of pudding because of the propped up dried grapes. In that night, in which I behaved in a baffled and crazy manner, Ratnaweera gave me 'The Art of Living' for me to read. I have just read the story of 'The crooked Milk Pudding' in the flight. It is a story about two children who went door to door begging. One child who is blind at birth falls sick and the child who set out to find food for his sick colleague, saw an Indian pudding. Since the hot pudding is melting down, he can not take it without a container, so he eats it alone.

"I am very sad; today I got a delicious milk pudding. But I could not take a piece for you ", He apologised to the blind friend.

"Milk pudding. What's it?"

'It is white and like milk!"

But the blind child does not recognise either 'white' or 'milk'.

"What are 'white' and 'milk'?"

"Why? Can't you identify 'white'?"

"No, I can't"

"White is the opposite colour of black"

"Then, what's black?"

"I told 'black' to help you understand 'white'"

The blind child remained silent without being able to understand anything. The friend thought a little and he brought a white crane.

"White is like this crane"

The blind feels the crane and said "White is very smooth".

"No, you cannot understand, try it again".

The blind child once again feels the crane; its beak and the various parts of the body.

"Yes, now I can understand! Pudding is crooked, isn't it? "

Like the blind cannot recognise 'white', does the northern hemisphere of my brain ceased disabling me to identify the glowing part of life? I heard that though the southern hemisphere of the brain could issue statements, it has no potential to reason out them. Though the Southern hemisphere of the brain can say by looking at a girl that 'She is beautiful', it cannot answer the question "why she is beautiful?" It is the northern hemisphere of the brain that has the capability of questioning.

Is it because the northern hemisphere of the brain ceased that I could not understand most of what Ratnaweera had told me. Or else, is it because I am a 'born fool'?

Ratnaweera told me to deliberately breathe deeply in order to keep mind concentrated on an object. He said it is enough to observe on breathing in and breathing out and that it allows to be aware of diverse mechanisms in the body. When he said that one would reach a decisive moment in breathing in and out that moment would be devoid of craving, jealousy and folly, anger, malice and hatred that it would challenge the previous Karmas, I got a renewed interest in it. I have heard that the villagers say that cancer is caused by previous bad Karmas. Still I believed in traditional obsolete ideas and beliefs!

During the two week's stay at Ratnaweera's, I tried to practise breathing meditation as he told me that when the power of concentration developed, the mind and the body would be stimulated and body would be relaxed and that body's functions would be slowed down. He said then the body would need less oxygen. However hard I tried, I could not practically reach that stage.

Ratnaweera had participated in a ten day retreat at the South West Vipassana Meditation Centre. He asked me whether I would also like to join the retreat. I declined it as I thought that being silent for ten days would definitely drive me mad and would end up me in the lunatic asylum. I felt that retreat had a potential of driving me crazy. Like the blind child who tried to identify the milk pudding, I was also engaged in an attempt to explore an unknown territory.

I tried to practise Anapanasati or the breathing meditation as I thought that in a certain way, it helps to eradicate cancer cells. Although I may not realise my expectations, it left me with a sense that there were invisible illuminating rays in the world. I thought that during my short stay at Devendra's in Los Angeles in California, it had encouraged and helped me to take the first step towards a decisive stride.

I still really don't know not for sure, for what I call 'Decisive'. I am compelled to think about what kind of experience I had in that uncertain night when Ratnaweera gave me 'The Art of Living'. Did I enjoy it? Was there any warning for me in it? "The Art of Living, Vipassana Meditation as taught by S.N. Goenka "was compiled by William Hart. It was said in the book that Vipassana meant 'vision' and 'insight' that is the essence of Buddhism. It has also mentioned there that all who joined the programme should 'Be happy!'. It was on these lines, I was able to present the issue that I was suffering from. I asked Ratnaweera how man could achieve happiness through nihilism. With a smile and with bright eyes, Ratnaweera told me a story. He said that the issue had been discussed for a long time among the students of 'Sen Buddhism':

One day Buddha surrounded by over thousands of Bhikkhus and Bhikkhunis (male and female members of the Order) was on the Vultures' Summit with a flower and was looking at the flower without delivering the sermon. As those who gathered to listen to the sermon were getting nervous, the Buddha smiled at one in the gathering. Only one person had reciprocated it. That was Rev. Maha Kassapa.

Ratnaweera said if one showed a flower, the objective of that man was that the other person should look at it and thereby communicate through thoughts. He said that person would lose the flower if looked at it with a mind full of thoughts stressing the impotence of being aware of this moment. Can I be satisfied with only looking at a flower? Is it for pleasure that I who like a flower, wants to pluck it and touch its petals? Have I ever thought that by feeling the petals, the petals would fall down and would suffer the same plight as feeling the wings of a butter fly? Can only a person who does not waste this very moment, realise the truth? With which sense or intuition about the universal flow of events, that Ratnaweera or Amritha say that events of the life would unfold in an order, structure or rhythm? Were the favourable climatic conditions and soothing weather in the State of California and Los Angeles that filled me with the curiosity to identify this sensation?

However, I left that super luxury house with latest consumer durables as if leaving a temple.

I once again went into the toilet stealthily looking at the passengers. I was not embarrassed as most of the passengers were in sleep. It was better if I could stay in the toilet until the flight landed at Katunayake. But an airhostess would suspect it. Time passed very slowly in the flight.

Pulling up the bush-shirt I walked to the seat. I thought of reading a book to avoid gushing stream of thoughts. I put the hand into the bag to retrieve 'The Tibetan Book of the Dead'. Suddenly I was reminded that it was in my luggage and at the same time, the beautiful air hostess announced that the flight would soon arrive at Katunayake. The flight descended with jerk. Greenery, sea, houses looked like toy houses came into view. Suppressed memory was surprisingly struggling to renew itself.

I am telling Shantha of the cancer.... Meeting Dr.Jotiya with her ...leaving the University in two months' time... and live with her...Bridge organisation...renovating Gimhana Asapuwa...

Suddenly I was reminded of Piyumika's tramp lover. He challenged me for a duel on the last twenty seventh. Had he come to the University to meet me when I was in California? Though I went abroad to meet Ratnaweera and to get medicine, I could not deny that I wanted to avoid meeting this tramp.

God's sake, if my life survives, I could spend the rest of the life leisurely with Shantha. Shantha would only stone the 'sin' not the 'sinner'. She is sharp enough to get rid of weakness of a womaniser. Whenever, she watched the film Parasatumal, she sympathised with the character Mr. Boonny If she loves Mr.Boony in 'illusion', does she not practise that compassion in reality?

Is there a difference or uncommon feature between Mr. Boonny and myself?