Relationships

"When we are incomplete, we are always searching for somebody to complete us. When, after a few years or a few months of a relationship, we find that we are still unfulfilled, we blame our partners and take up with somebody more promising. This can go on and on until we admit that while a partner can add sweet dimensions to our lives, we, each of us, are responsible for our own fulfillment. Nobody else can provide it for us, and to believe otherwise is to delude ourselves dangerously and to program for eventual failure of every relationship we enter."

- Tom Robbins, American actor, screenwriter, director, producer, activist, and musician.

Be it interpersonal, intimate, or ethical; relationships nowadays have practically transformed into, virtual: being in effect, but not in form or appearance. Mostly conducted through the electronic media, conversations have become texting; anger is shown, expressed or voiced, by simply deleting or blocking - not from the mind, but from whatever apparatus used; and feelings have become status messages. In the same way that we have forgotten how to write with a pen, I think we will soon forget how to express our emotions without a Keyboard!

Thus, association that were based on inference, love, solidarity, regular business interactions, or some other type of social commitment; exist no more. Bonds that were formed and developed in the context of social, cultural, and other influences; which were the foundation of lasting links - have become meaningless, and are not cherished, anymore.

Impersonal conduct without emotion through electronics has replaced human interaction. Man is becoming distant, more like machines; and perhaps sometime in the future, machines created by the self same man, will develop feelings and be more tender hearted and human like.

A relationship is normally viewed as a connection between individuals; regardless of it being a romantic or intimate relationship, or a parent-child bond. Individuals can also have relationships with groups of people, such as the relation between a pastor and his congregation, an uncle and a family, or a mayor and a town. Finally, groups or even nations may have relations with each other, though this is a much broader domain than that covered under this topic.

People in a relationship tend to influence each other, share their thoughts and feelings, and engage in activities together. Because of this interdependence, most things that change, or impact, one member of the relationship will have some level of influence on the other.

Relationships are dynamic systems that change continuously during their existence. Like living organisms, relationships have a beginning, a lifespan, and an end. They tend to grow and improve gradually, as people get to know each other and become closer emotionally, or they gradually deteriorate as people drift apart, move on with their lives, and form new relationships with others. In the ultimate analysis, the quality of your life is the quality of your relationships. People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges.

Five stages

The natural development of a relationship follows five stages: acquaintance, buildup, continuation, deterioration, and termination. Becoming acquainted depends on previous relationships, physical proximity, first impressions, and a variety of other factors. If two people begin to like each other, then continued interactions may lead to the next stage, but acquaintance can continue indefinitely.

During the buildup stage, people begin to trust and care about each other. The need for intimacy, compatibility, and such filtering agents as common background and goals will influence whether interaction continues or not. Continuation stage follows a mutual commitment to a long-term friendship, romantic relationship, or marriage. It is generally a long and relatively stable period. Nevertheless, continued growth and development will occur during this time. Mutual trust is important for sustaining the relationship. Not all relationships deteriorate; but those that do, tend to show signs of trouble. Loss of trust and betrayals may take place as the downward spiral continues, eventually ending the relationship. Alternately, the participants may find some way to resolve the problems and reestablish trust. The final stage marks the end of the relationship, either by death in the case of a healthy relationship, or by separation.

The capacity for love and compassion gives depth to human relationships, brings people closer to each other physically and emotionally, and makes people think expansively about themselves and the world. The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed.

We are all seeking that special person who is right for us. But if we have been through enough relationships, we begin to suspect there is no right person, just different flavours of wrong. Why is this? Because, we ourselves are wrong in some ways; and we seek out persons who are wrong in some complementary way.

However, it takes a lot of living to realise and grow fully into our own wrongness. It is not until we finally run up against our deepest demons, our unsolvable problems - the ones that make us truly who we are - that we are ready to enter a lifelong relationship. Only then do we finally know what we are looking for. We are looking for the wrong person; but not just any wrong person: the right wrong person - someone we lovingly gaze upon and think, "This is the problem I want to have." As we think so shall we be! We cannot physically experience another person; we can only experience them in our mind. Conclusion: All of the other people in our life are simply thoughts in our mind; not physical beings, but just thoughts to us.

Fundamental need

Our relationships are all in how we think about the other people of our life. Our experience of all those people is only in our mind. Our feelings about our lovers come from our thoughts. Relationship is a fundamental need of human beings. Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship to get something: they are trying to find someone who is going to make them feel good.

In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if we see our relationship as a place that we go to give, and not a place that we go to take. Giving of the heart, or from the heart, is the crux of all attachments. We can talk with someone for years, everyday, and still, it won't mean as much as what we can have when we sit in front of someone, not saying a word, yet we feel that person with our heart, we feel like we have known that person for, forever. The truth is that connections are made with the heart, not the tongue.

See you this day next week. Until then, keep thinking; keep laughing. Life is mostly about these two activities.

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