No more excuses, please…

By Lionel Wijesiri

I love listening to excuses, because those are really imaginative, and so ingenious. They are like cell phones searching for a signal - as they cast about for an appropriate loophole to let them off the hook. As Benjamin Franklin wrote in his autobiography, “So convenient a thing is it to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.”

With a loophole, we’re not mindfully making an exception, but looking for a justification that excuses us from sticking to a particular bit of work or habit. If we can spot loopholes, we can perhaps resist invoking them, and do a better job of keeping a good habit.

There’s an old proverb that goes, “If you don’t want to do something, one excuse is as good as another.” In other words, if you’re not purposely doing something, what does it matter why? Excuses would not make any sense.

Common excuses

I recently called a few of my friends for a list of the most common excuses for not making things happen. The response was fine.

1. You’ve already got plans. This only really works on people who won’t ask what you’re doing.

2. You’re shattered from [insert tiring activity]. Whether you exaggerate how late you got in last night or how badly you slept, this is an excuse.

3. You forgot about that important family meal. It’s pretty difficult to argue with this excuse. Whether it’s that Aunt you haven’t seen for years or that Uncle who’s visiting from Australia, just make sure it’s a family member you actually have with you.

4. You’ve just been called into office. No one can argue with the urgent work at office.

5. You’ve contracted an illness. Flu, fever, body ache! This is not arguable nor require any further detail.

6. You’ve got to wait at home until someone comes. Best paired with “I’ll come as soon as my wife comes”, which works wonders, leaving it in your hands to decide when your wife should arrive.

7. Ignore calls/messages/efforts to contact you from the inviter. Very easy to carry out, requires little or no effort on your part, just the ability to ignore a ringing phone. This then leads to the very easy follow up of “I would’ve come had I known, annoyed I left my phone off.

Question of integrity

Humour apart, excuses are dysfunctional, disabling, and destructive - yes, destructive. Excuses replace results and accomplishments, thus creating the question of integrity.

Let’s say you are the parent of a teenager who always makes an excuse for why he or she is late, doesn’t get homework or chores done, and so on. What level of trust would you have for that person? Little, I suspect, because you are anticipating another excuse instead of the fulfillment of the activity.

But not all excuses are external in nature, meaning they affect others. Some excuses affect you.

For example, are you making excuses for your weight and fitness levels? I am too busy, the weather is unpleasant, I am too tired, and on it goes. Accepting a less-than-healthy condition for your precious body - overweight, poor eating habits, unfit - is inexcusable.

Or, you have not applied for that new job. Fear and excuses will not help you progress to new opportunities. There are many other examples, but you get the point.

Excuses limit your success because, if you say them often enough, they become self-fulfilling prophecies - like a sales rep satying that no one wants to buy because the price of the product is too high - well, before you know it, the rep believes it. The results? Dismal sales. Or I can’t lose weight! Before you know it, this becomes “truth.”

Power of apology

I’ve been thinking about the power of apology lately. I’ve been noticing that the people for whom I have the most respect don’t hesitate to say “I was wrong,” or “I’m sorry I…” On the other hand, the people I have the hardest time respecting seem constitutionally unable to take responsibility for their own mistakes. Even when they try, it comes out sounding like “I may have been partly at fault, but…” or “It may seem that I was wrong, but…” They just can’t do it.

Apologising freely requires a good deal of courage. It’s not comfortable for any of us to admit an error, or to acknowledge that something we’ve done has caused others harm or inconvenience.

So when someone truly apologises, we know he or she is putting honesty and honour above personal comfort or self-protection. It’s inspiring.

It is not only good to admit you are wrong when you are, but also it can also be a powerful tool for leaders - actually increasing legitimacy and, when practised regularly, can help build a culture that actually increases openness to change and many other positive features of public or organisational life.

Followers look to see whether a leader is courageous before they’ll fully accept that person’s leadership. If they see courage (and taking full responsibility for actions and admitting and apologising for mistakes are two of the five key indicators of courage), it feels safe to ‘sign up.’ People need courageous leaders to feel there’s someone to make the tough calls and to take responsibility for them - they need to know that the buck truly does stop with the leader.

With a courageous leader, people feel protected - not that they’re helpless, but they know the person in charge really has their back. And courage begets courage: the followers are more likely to make their own tough decisions and take responsibility for them when you model that behaviour. You have their backs - so they’re much more likely to have yours.

Tips

Because so many of us have a hard time apologising, I thought it might be helpful to give you few tips.

I’m sorry: this is the core of a genuine apology. “I’m sorry.” or “I apologise.” It’s the stake in the ground to communicate that you truly regret your behaviour and wish you had acted differently. No apology is complete without this.

Don’t beat about the bush: Once you said what you regret about your actions or words, don’t water it down with excuses. That can blow the whole thing.

Say how you’ll fix it. This seals the deal. If you genuinely regret your words or actions, you’ll to commit to changing. This needs to be simple, feasible and specific. “I’m sorry we haven’t gotten back to you about your security deposit.

We’ll have an answer to you by this Friday.” Do it. I know some people who don’t have a hard time apologising, but seem to have a hard time following through on their apologies. If you apologise and say you’re going to behave differently, and then don’t - it’s actually worse than not having apologised in the first place.

So there you have it. Next time you’re clearly in the wrong, take a deep breath, put aside your self-justification, your excuses, your blame, your defensiveness, and simply apologise.