For the heck of it:
Letters to Thomas the tank engine
Thomas the Tank Engine
C/O North Western Railway Company
Island of Sodor
Dear Thomas,
You're
a train with a face so I knew I had to get in touch. For a long time
when your program came on the television I took that as my cue to lure
my children outside with the promise of Popsicles and bubbles. I wasn't
giving you a fair shake, Thomas, and I'll tell you why. Long before I
was a housewife writing letters to sentient trains, I studied
anthropology, and thus far I haven't been able to make sense of you and
your friends.
I wish I could conduct immersive field research on the Island of
Sodor, but for a variety of reasons, that won't be possible. So I'm
writing instead. I understand you're busy, what with your own branch
line to take care of and all, but I'm hoping you'll humor me by
answering a few questions.
Most of your books, television shows, and other media focus on the
machinations of the North Western Railway Company and its
inter-train/sociopolitical dynamics. And you tell some great stories,
Thomas. Remember that time you took a shortcut on rough tracks and
spilled the kids' library books but then managed to fix your mistake by
using Annie and Clarabel to pick the kids up and bring them to the books
before story time? Yeah, that's the only episode I sat through, and it
wasn't that bad.
I will concede that you have a way of hypnotizing my children and
turning your mistakes into learning experiences. Have you considered
doing The Moth? That one with the library books would kill at a Story
Slam.
There are a number of things about you that I can't understand, even
after extensively consulting Wikipedia. I hope I'm not crossing any
boundaries, but the other day I read about a creature called a "zedonk."
Now, I'm not a pervert, but it's difficult to think of a zedonk and not
imagine either a donkey mounting a zebra or a zebra mounting a donkey.
Wikipedia tells me that most zedonks are sired by a zebra stallion, but
it didn't say anything about how an engine could evolve to be 'cheeky'.
Let me be blunt: you're a train with human attributes. Who are your
parents? From what monstrous act were you conceived? Is Sir Topham Hatt...your
father? Is Sodor some kind of Island of Doctor Moreau-like refuge for
his train offspring?
May I tell you my theory of what's going on 'behind the scenes' on
the Island of Sodor and then you can tell me if I'm right or wrong? For
a long time it seemed like all engines were male and all coaches female,
but the addition of Emily to the family of engines changed that. My
hunch is that you are polygamously married to your female coaches, Annie
and Clarabel. I think Emily might be transexual or intergender. Am I on
the right track, Thomas? (No pun intended!)
Let's back up and talk about your culture. How much power does Sir
Topham Hatt, a.k.a.
The Fat Controller, wield? Have you ever thought about overthrowing
him and installing a democracy? Do you have shamans or other spiritual
leaders? Do you believe in an afterlife? Do you have a creation myth? Do
you have funerary rites? Puberty rites? At what age does a train get
betrothed? What are your weddings like? Do you call it "coupling"? Are
you allowed to intermarry with the "trainees" of Chuggington? Do you and
your friends ever get depressed and contemplate derailing? What are you,
Thomas? Would you say you have more in common with Bender, the
Terminator, or Vicki from Small Wonder? Have you ever been in an
accident? Do you feel pain? Do you know that episode ofBattlestar
Gallactica when Starbuck steals a Cylon raider, crashes it, and exposes
the plane's innards to be a mixture of internal organ gobbledygook and
computer parts? Is that what's inside of you?
Let me wrap this up with one last question: what does it mean to be a
"really useful engine"? Is there a really useless engine? Is that a dig
on those fools over at Chuggington?I understand that a handwritten
response may not be possible given your physical limitations, but maybe
Sir or Lady Hatt can take dictation? Or do they not allow you to
communicate with outsiders? Is the North Western Railway a cult?! If
you'd like my help, please send a smoke signal from your stack. I will
look towards the Island of Sodor every evening at dusk.
Best,
JJ Keith
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