Verbal abuse more painful than a slap

by Sureshni Pilapitiya

The late Michele Toomey, PhD, pioneer of Liberation Psychology and co-founder of Women's Workshop, writing on women as victims of verbal abuse says, ''As members of the 'weaker' sex, women have suffered the violence of physical abuse from the 'stronger' sex. They have even suffered it at the hands of stronger women. Although there is not nearly enough of an outcry over this violence against women, at least there is a shared sense that it is wrong. Not so with verbal abuse. It leaves no visible wounds or scars, and can be hidden or denied with hardly a second thought. And, unfortunately, verbal attacks are not predominantly done by men. Since they require no physical prowess (although it helps, since it increases the fear and intimidation), verbal abuse can be as violent and as destructive when done by women as when done by men. And there is no great public outcry against it, and certainly no laws making it illegal to verbally slice another, or especially a woman, to pieces and leave her emotionally bleeding.''

Kerby Anderson who currently serves as the President of Probe Ministries, also writing on verbal abuse says, ''Almost everyone has heard of, or knows of, someone who has been verbally abused. Perhaps you are involved in a verbally abusive relationship.

It is also possible that no one even knows your circumstances. Verbal abuse is a kind of battering which doesn't leave evidence comparable to the bruises of physical battering. You (or your friend) may be suffering in silence and isolation.''

Both comments from relatively well known personalities highlight an alternate reality in the spectrum of abuse, where the scars though invisible can have a long lasting and traumatic impact on a person's psyche. Abuse is defined as an improper use of something, and cruel and violent treatment of a person or animal.

The latter can be further categorised as verbal and physical abuse. Verbal abuse is not something specific to just one gender. But given the fact that women are more frequently the victims of abuse, they also tend to be subjected to verbal harassment not just at home, but also at the work place, in public places and in public transport.

Why do so many women fall prey to verbal abuse? Why do the more physically empowered 'stronger' sex resort to this form, or any form of abuse for that matter?

Dr. Rameela Yousouf, Lecturer in Psychology, University of Peradeniya explains that verbal abuse is perceived as being less harmful, as it does not draw much attention, and hence can get excused. May she says deem verbal abuse as something common and hence not worth giving much attention to.

Such abuse is not reported as the victims also perceive this as being less harmful and hence not easy to make any formal complaints, she say, but points out somewhat seriously that it can have longer lasting effects on the victim and make her lose both confidence and self esteem.

"It can cause psychological wounds on the victim," she says, elaborating that such form of abuse can causes the victim to think she does not deserve to live, that she is useless, which can then lead to depression and even to suicide.

Though verbal abuse is as, or even more damaging than its vicious counterpart, it is considered harmless, she says, explaining, if you harass people verbally, you're talking about something bad about them or berating them about not doing something properly.

Examples of such abuse included, "You haven't cooked well," "You're not good enough'' and "You cannot do anything" . Isolated on and on their own, they might appear like a simple verbal rap on the knuckles, but if repeated constantly it can denude a person of her self esteem, make her worthless and depress her enough to drive her to suicide. And it isn't just at home that verbal abuse occurs. And it is not always the husband. Women are subjected to harassment at the workplace and in public places, sometimes the verbal harassment camouflaged in sarcasm or innuendo. But what makes the situation worse is that, women being subjected to such abuse outside their homes do not always get the support they need, even from their own sex or the community around. They just look at the scene and have a good laugh, and the victim becomes a joke.

Attorney -at- Law Raveendra Sumathipala, meanwhile points out there are no specific legal provisions against verbal abuse, with deterrents to public verbal harassment limited to a few pithy slogans in sticker form inside the bus. She also points out that calling a person by derogatory terms such as ''baduwa'' '' kaalla'' in the Sri Lankan context is not considered as verbal abuse, falling into the category of 'uncouth attitude', though words such as ''bitch'' or ''prostitute'' is considered as verbal abuse. Sometimes verbal abuse can extend to threatening, with phrases such as ''I'll kill you'' ''I'll blackmail you''.