It pays to pass the good word around

by Lionel Wijesiri

Two weeks ago, at a social gathering, a retired parish priest told us an interesting life experience. “In a remote town long years ago, as a young minister, I was assigned to my first church,I found the congregation split down the middle by one of those feuds that sometimes start with two stubborn contestants, and wind up with everyone taking sides. Things reached the point where the two groups sat on opposite sides of the church, glaring across the aisle.”

“Drawing on my inexperience, I was all for calling on each of these people and pointing out their Christian duty to stop hating each other. But a member of the congregation, a craggy old retired worker named Sirisena, stopped me. “It won’t work,” he said. “You’ll just make things worse. A conductor of goodwill, that’s what the pastor parish priest should be. Goodwill is stronger than ill will.”

‘‘But how does one transmit goodwill,” I objected, “if there isn’t any in the first place?” Sirisena tapped me earnestly on the shoulder. “Create some, sir,” he said. “Create some!” And he walked away.

“I knew that hostility provokes hostility, that anger breeds more anger, and that the church was caught in this vicious circle. As I pondered Sirisena’s words, it occurred to me that the converse might also be true. If either of these two embattled people could be induced to say something remotely pleasant about the other, perhaps the downward spiral could be reversed.”

“In those days, full of zeal, I made a great many parish calls. The good ladies of the parish were forever offering me cups of coffee and pieces of cake or snacks. So one day, sitting in Mrs. Salgado’s living room, I took my courage in both hands and remarked that on the previous afternoon I had a piece of cake at Mrs. Galappathi’s house. I added casually, “She is a good cook, particularly, making cakes, isn’t she?”

“Hmmm,” simmered Mrs. Salgado. “She is a good cook, alright. If her disposition were half as good, we could all be thankful.” One hour later, I was in her adversary’s living room with a plate of cookies balanced on my knee. “Mrs. Galappathi,” I said, after exchanging few pleasantries, “l heard Mrs Salgado say something nice about you.”

“Who?” cried Mrs. Galappathi incredulously, “Mrs. Salgado. She said you were a good cook. As indeed you are.” “Well!” said Mrs. Galappathi. “Well, 1 never thought! I suppose if it comes to that (she tossed her head as if she couldn’t believe what she heard her voice saving). Ruwani Salgado has a light hand with pastry herself!”

You can imagine where my parish calls took me the next day and what I passed along. And feeble though this little flicker of goodwill was, it was the beginning of the end of that church feud. Because Sirisena was right: love is stronger than hate, affection is more powerful than enmity. Although everyone benefited from my little experiment, the chief beneficiary was myself.

This little story shows us how an individual can become a relay station for the little sparks of goodwill that otherwise never jump the gap that separates people.

Giving compliments

Years ago, one of my ex-employees came to me with a problem. He had been made Sectional Head of a large company. Another man, a brilliant sales executive, was angry because he thought he should have had the job. “The company depends on this man’s sales genius,” mv ex-employee said. “But he is making things terribly difficult. What should I do?”

My ex-employee was a good billiards player. “Look,” I said to him. “I understand that frequently, to make an effective billiards shot, you have to carom the cue ball off a side cushion or two. So here’s mv advice. For the next six months, make it a point of speaking highly of this man’s ability to people in your office and in your business. No matter what he does, just keep on speaking well of him. And at the end of six months, if nothing has changed, fire him!”

The experiment worked so well that five years - later, when my ex-employee left the company to migrate to Australia, he recommended his former adversary for the post. Why? Because good- hearted people had deflected some of the kind things the Sectional Head said to the real target—the man himself— and changed him from a disgruntled employee to a loyal friend.

Some people feel if they pay a compliment directly, to do so embarrasses them. Just the other day I heard a friend tell a group of men proudly that his wife was the kindest person he had ever known. Later on, when I was able to repeat this to her, her face grew radiant. “Oh, thank you,” she said. “He’d never be able to say that to me!” In such cases, a passed-on compliment can be like rain on a drought-parched field.

Second-hand compliments

One of my favourite types of compliments to receive are what I call “second-hand compliments.” Two life experiences were quoted early in this article. Second-hand compliments are extra special because they tell the receiver that you think so highly of their worthy quality that you were even talking to other people about it.

You can make recognition happen in all kinds of unique ways by sharing the great and wonderful things you’ve heard about people, or seen them do, that they just never hear about directly. A friend speaks positively about the service or meal quality at a restaurant you dined at together. Take the time to find the maître d’hotel, the server or the chef and send them a short note exactly what your friend told you.

Your manager shares how a colleague made a difference on an essential project everyone is focused on. When you return to your desk send the colleague an email capturing the essence of what the manager said about them or give him a call.

Perhaps you were in a project meeting and you hear about how a team member came up with a brilliant innovative solution on how to improve a process on the production line.

Next time you see him in the hallway or in the cafeteria make it your mission to go over and compliment him and let him know what others thought about them and their idea.

Pass along any positive words, feedback or compliments right away while they are still fresh for the picking! Don’t delay.

The most important aspect of this mind-setto pass on the compliments is looking for the positives in other people. If you don’t like people, you are not going to pass over the compliments to them. The more you like about other people, the more opportunities you have to share the compliments with them. It’s not about being outgoing, it’s about being positive.