Forgiveness:

The hallmark of the strong and the brave

by Lionel Wijesiri

Immaculee Ilibagiza is a survivor of the Rwandan genocide that took place in the mid-nineties. Political tensions between the Hutu and Tutsi tribes resulted in the massacre of hundreds of thousands of members of the Tutsi tribe and of members of the Hutu tribe who opposed the genocide. On Easter Sunday 1994, when Ilibagiza and her family were gathered together, Ilibagiza's older brother, Damascene, begged their father to take the family and flee to safety.

They made the fateful decision to stay. On April 6, 1994, a plane carrying the Rwandan president, a Hutu, was shot down, and everyone on board was killed. Soon after, a killing spree began that targeted the Tutsi people. Ilibagiza and her younger brother, Vianney, managed to make their way to a local Hutu pastor's home, who provided protection from the chaos that was surrounding them.

When they arrived, they learned the heart-breaking news that Vianney could not stay. Ilibagiza and seven other women hid in a small (1 square meter) bathroom for three months. When Ilibagiza and the seven other women were finally able to leave their hiding place, Ilibagiza learned that her family had been murdered. Ilibagiza herself lost 22 kilograms during her ordeal.

While our human nature desires revenge, Ilibagiza chose to forgive the people who killed her family as she felt the bitter feelings of rage destroying her. Though not easy, she was determined to let forgiveness, rather than hate, rule her life. Eventually, she met one of the murderers face-to-face and told him directly that she forgave him.Ilibagiza is now living in the US with her children, some of whom are adopted from Rwanda. She has written a best-selling book about her experience, Left to Tell, and has made several television appearances. She has spoken at several conferences and founded the Left to Tell Charitable Fund to help children who have been orphaned through genocide. From the unimaginable pain she had endured, Ilibagiza has managed to do a great amount of good and make the world a little bit of a better place. (Watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q7Od6V6Z3ug)

Rejection

Alexander Pope recognized howuncommon forgiveness was whenhe wrote: "To err is human, toforgive divine." If divine, it is anaspect of the religious that we arecalled on to imitate, as much forown good as for that of others.

When we are hurt by someone's thoughtlessness rejection ordeliberate cruelty, we can try to get even, or pretend that we haven'tbeen hurt - or we can do somethingthat on the surface is preposterous,illogical and divine: We can forgive.

The popular misconceptionabout forgiveness is that when weforgive, we forget. Most of the time,we don't forget. The woman whoforgives her husband's philandering is not asked to forget bits weakness,but rather not to let the negativebehavior direct their lives, mangletheir relationship and stand iii theway 0f building emotional bridges.

Try forgiving a friend who betraysa confidence, or a co-worker whotells lies about you. When the realeffort of forgiveness takes place,there's nothing easy about it; instinct urges us to pay back in kind.

Some people are capable of aheroic effort of forgiveness. A 39-year. Old asbestos worker died of amassive hemorrhage when he wasunable to persuade a relative todonate bone marrow that mighthave prolonged his life. But shortlybefore he died, the man sensedmisunderstanding and alienationcreeping into a family that wastaking sides on the issue. From hishospital bed be told them that hehad forgiven. He asked them to dothe same.

Process

There is usually a pause betweenthe hurt and the time when trustand love can take root again. Forgiveness is part of a process thatbegins with a hurt and ends, as itsfinal and long-range goal, with theevent of reconciliation, it worksonly when we become aware ofthe depths and causes of the angerburning in us so that we can forgivewhole-heartedly and ensure anenduring peace.

Too often, we bypass forgivenessentirely. We race from our hurtsto an apparent reconciliation without taking stock of what must trulybe forgiven before lasting healingcan take hold. We try to get pastthe difficult part too quickly, forwe've been programmed since childhood to keep a still upper lip, topretend that we are unaffected byother people's cruelty, deliberate oraccidental.

The ability to forgive can't berushed. We owe it to each otherto offer time to confront our hurts, to face our wounds head-on, tovent our emotions. Only then canreal healing begin.

A particularly helpful exercise inthe process of forgiveness is co tryto understand the one who ishurting us as a person, and not justas the cause of our pain. Forexample, a woman I know learnedto forgive her mother's continualcriticisms once she realized thatthey derived from the mother's own unhealed hurts and a fear ofbeing ignored. So she let the complaints 'wash over her until one daythe older woman declared: "I don'tthink you take me seriously." Nowthe daughter, with wisdom andsincerity, was able to say: "1 don'ttake all your criticisms seriously,that's true, but I take you veryseriously." That simple commentjolted the relationship out of itsdeadlock.

Health benefits

Would you believe that forgiveness can be good for your health? Lingering anger, stress, or high blood pressure could indicate that you need to forgive someone (or to be forgiven yourself). Many religions have long held that forgiveness is an important component of a fruitful life. Now secular research supports its value.

Forgiveness releases the offender from prolonged anger, rage, and stress that have been linked to physiological problems, such as cardiovascular diseases, high blood pressure, hypertension, cancer, and other psychosomatic illnesses.

Daily life brings many sources of conflict: spouses, parents, children, employers, former employers, bullies, enemies. If offense leads to resentment and bitterness, then anger, explosion, and violence can result. If parties forgive each other, then healing, reconciliation, and restoration can follow.

Forgiveness depends on the situation and the people involved. In theend, all forgivers do the samething: they restore self-worth to theoffender; they cancel a debt; theyexperience such peace that they losethe urge to retaliate, and live asfreer persons, unshackled by theweight of the hurt.