Dealing with the toxic lot
How smart people do it:
by David K William
In a perfect world, each person we interact with would be nice, kind,
considerate, mindful, generous, and more. They would get our jokes and
we would get their's. We would all thrive in a convivial atmosphere
where no one was ever cross, upset, or maligned.
However, we don't live in a perfect world. Some people drive us
crazy, and we (admittedly) drive a few mad as well. Those we dislike are
inconsiderate, rushed, malign our character, question our motives, or
just don't get our jokes at all - but expect us to laugh at all their's.
You might wonder whether it is possible to be fair to someone who
ruffles you all the time, or someone you'd rather avoid eating lunch
with. You might wonder if you should learn to like every person you
meet.
sachman75 via flickr.com |
According to Robert Sutton (a professor of management science at
Stanford University), it's neither possible - nor even ideal - to build
a team comprised entirely of people you'd invite to a backyard barbecue.
That's why smart people make the most out of people they don't like.
Here's how they do it.
*They accept that they are not going to like everyone
Sometimes we get caught in the trap of thinking that we are nice
people. We think that we are going to like everyone we interact with -
even when that's not going to happen. It's inevitable you will encounter
difficult people who oppose what you think. Smart people know this. They
also recognize that conflicts or disagreements are a result of
differences in values.
That person you don't like is not intrinsically a bad human. The
reason you don't get along is because you have different values, and
that difference creates judgment. Once you accept that not everyone will
like you, and you won't like everyone because of a difference in values,
the realization can take the emotion out of the situation. That may even
result in getting along better by agreeing to disagree.
*They bear with (not ignore or dismiss) those they don't like
Sure, you may cringe at his constant criticism, grit your teeth at
her lousy jokes, or shake your head at the way he hovers around her all
the time, but feeling less than affectionate to someone might not be the
worst thing. "From a performance standpoint, liking the people you
manage too much is a bigger problem than liking them too little," says
Sutton.
"You need people who have different points of view and aren't afraid
to argue," Sutton adds. "They are the kind of people who stop the
organization from doing stupid things." It may not be easy, but bear
with them. It is often those who challenge or provoke us that prompt us
to new insights and help propel the group to success. Remember, you are
not perfect either, yet people still tolerate you.
*They treat those they don't like with civility
Whatever your feelings are for someone, that person will be highly
attuned to your attitude and behavior, and will likely reflect it back
to you. If you are rude to them, they will likely throw away all decorum
and be rude to you too. The onus; therefore, is on you to remain fair,
impartial, and composed.
"Cultivating a diplomatic poker face is important. You need to be
able to come across as professional and positive," says Ben Dattner, an
organizational psychologist and author of 'The Blame Game'. This way you
won't stoop to their level or be sucked into acting the way they do.
*They check their own expectations
It's not uncommon for people to have unrealistic expectations about
others. We may expect others to act exactly as we would, or say the
things that we might say in a certain situation. However, that's not
realistic.
"People have ingrained personality traits that are going to largely
determine how they react," says Alan A. Cavaiola, PhD (psychology
professor at Monmouth University in West Long Branch, New Jersey).
"Expecting others to do as you would do is setting yourself up for
disappointment and frustration."
If a person causes you to feel exactly the same way every time,
adjust your expectations appropriately. This way you'll be
psychologically prepared and their behavior will not catch you by
surprise. Smart people do this all the time. They're not always
surprised by a dis-likable person's behavior.
*They turn inwards and focus on themselves
No matter what you try, some people can still really get under our
skin. It's important that you learn how to handle your frustration when
dealing with someone who annoys you. Instead of thinking about how
irritating that person is, focus on why you are reacting the way you
are.
Sometimes what we don't like in others is frequently what we don't
like in ourselves. Besides, they didn't create the button, they're only
pushing it.
Pinpoint the triggers that might be complicating your feelings. You
may then be able to anticipate, soften, or even alter your reaction.
Remember: it's easier to change your perceptions, attitude, and behavior
than to ask someone to be a different kind of person.
*They pause and take a deep breath
Some personality characteristics may always set you off, says
Kathleen Bartle (a California-based conflict consultant). Maybe it's the
colleague who regularly misses deadlines, or the guy who tells off-color
jokes.
Take a look at what sets you off and who's pushing your buttons. That
way, Bartle says, you can prepare for when it happens again.
According to her, "If you can pause and get a grip on your adrenaline
pump and go to the intellectual part of your brain, you'll be better
able to have a conversation and to skip over the judgment." A deep
breath and one big step back can also help to calm you down and protect
you from overreaction, thereby allowing you to proceed with a slightly
more open mind and heart.
*They voice their own needs
If certain people constantly tick you off, calmly let them know that
their manner of behavior or communication style is a problem for you.
Avoid accusatory language and instead try the "When you . . . I feel . .
." formula. For example, Cacaiola advises you to tell that person, "When
you cut me off in meetings, I feel like you don't value my
contributions." Then, take a moment and wait for their response.
You may find that the other person didn't realize you weren't
finished speaking, or your colleague was so excited about your idea that
she enthusiastically jumped into the conversation.
*They allow space between them
If all else fails, smart people allow space between themselves and
those they don't like. Excuse yourself and go on your way. If at work,
move to another room or sit at the other end of the conference table.
With a bit of distance, perspective, and empathy, you may be able to
come back and interact both with those people you like and those you
don't like as if unfazed.
Of course, everything would be easier if we could wish people we
don't like away. Too bad we all know that's not how life works.
(The writer is a
publisher entrepreneur and founding editor of WebWriterSpotlight.com
where this article was first published. Everything he writes is inspired
by life experiences and study) |