Learn to bounce back after a heavy fall

by Lionel Wijesiri

We all face obstacles, challenges and crises in life. Facing a crisis does not mean that we have done something wrong, deserve to undergo the crisis at hand or are forever doomed. Our lives are not determined by whether or not we will face a crisis, or even the crisis itself; rather, they are determined by how we handle each given crisis.

The crisis may be as small as spilling coffee on your shirt before heading into an interview to as big as someone you loved has left you or been snatched from you by death; or you have been let go from a job that gave meaning to your existence; or a beloved child is in trouble; or you have done something wrong and are overburdened by the backpack of guilt you are carrying.

The worst part of it is that when these crises come, we can't imagine a way out. We may try various forms of running away - alcohol, meaningless love affairs, rounds of parties - or just listlessly kill the hours.

Fight for life

And why not? Who says we must strenuously try to rise and walk again? The answer is that every cell in our bodies is programmed to fight for life. We are here on earth to live - to experience whatever comes, to act on that experience as well as we can, and hence to grow.

Life is a candle meant to burn ever brighter, a fire meant to light other fires. It is a gift given to us at birth and an inheritance for those who come after. How do we learn to rise and walk; to cherish life against the exhaustion of guilt or sorrow or failure; to hold on until the lights come on again? How do we come to that moment when even in our despair we can say, "Maybe, just maybe, I can try again"?

First, invite yourself to live

Seek out those who have gone through what the poet Dante called the 'dark wood'. You will find them everywhere, in books and in real life - gallant people who never give up, who are proof positive that life is worth living. Once you believe that,your belief will help create the fact.

Forgive yourself - and others

Whatever the cause of our trouble, we often see in it some real or imaginary fault of our own. I recall a time when I had deliberately done something that seemed very wrong to me. I walked about in an unbelieving daze.

But, as I discovered, there is a restoring medicine for what we have done wrong.

First, face it. Acknowledge the truth to yourself, and with all your heart say, "I'm sorry. I won't do it again."

If there is restitution to be made, make it

Then put your sins and failures behind you and refill the poolof your life with new plans and enthusiasms.

By the same token, don't brood over what others have done to you. Remember that people who hurt you often do so out of their own problems, not out of their perception of you. If you deserved the injury done to you, learn from it. If you didn't deserve it, forget it.

Regain your self-esteem

Begin by giving up the defensive masks behind which, most of us so often meet the world. Stand for your own values; speak well of yourself, inwardly and aloud. Be as generous to yourself as you would be to others.

Stop expecting that you will fail

But what if you do? Remember that we often fail because we try for something bigger than ourselves; and that is what we should be doing. Think of what you have rather than what you lack. That is important for, in the depths of defeat, we often feel that we have nothing to give the world.

Believe that you can bring to life some beauty

Return to the world of other people. Yet, that may not be easy. We fear that the concern of others will renew our pain. And it is true that we do need time alone.But we must not stay too long on that island in time, for in the end the way back to life is through our kinship with others.

Find a compassionate person to whom you can talk from the bottom of your heart

I remember a time of sorrow in my own life when an old friend, a lawyer with a punishing schedule, came to visit in the middle of the day for an hour. We sat at my office room undisturbed eating toasted peanuts and 'Kadju' nuts, and without complaint from him, I lamented as much as I wished and felt blessed and comforted to be with such a friend.

Reach out to help

Give your time and concern to others, thus healing yourself. Some years ago, I met a young man of perhaps in late-twenties who was just getting started with a brokerage firm. He spent all his spare time working with voluntary organizations handling children.

I asked him why. "When I was just twenty-two and just learning to drive," he told me, "I struck and killed a boy who had run out into the road in front of my car.

Nobody blamed me, but I felt guilty. Nothing eased the pain until a neighbour asked me to umpire a cricket match organised by a Children's' Home.That was the beginning. Helping those kids was just what I needed. It gave me back my life."

Guard your own enthusiasms

Respond to every small sunlight of hope that breaks into your dark wood. Look around you in the lovely world of nature. Here another life is going on: the countless life of tree and flower, brook and bird. Try watching one particular thing: the angle of a bird's flight, the sunset or the way the wind moves in the trees. And, finally, practice gratitude

Every day, especially when I am troubled, I look for reasons to be grateful. Being aware of what's good in life is one thing; being grateful for what is good is another.

You can certainly increase your happiness by focusing on the positive, but you can juice it even higher by being appreciative of, being indebted to, and being grateful for the blessings you have.