For the heck of it:
Please stay on the line
10:31 a.m.
Thank
you for calling the Problem-Talking phone line. Our representatives are
currently helping other customers, but please stay on the line and a
representative will be with you shortly.
10:32 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers who did not
allow things to get completely out of hand before calling us. Please
continue to hold. We appreciate your patience.
10:35 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers. We are working
hard to ensure that no customer speaks to a representative with whom
they share a native language. Please cancel your plans for the remainder
of the day.
10:53 a.m., the same day
Our representatives are still-guess what-helping other customers. Now
is a good time to pee. But don't. It would be more uncomfortable if we
answered the phone while you were peeing, which we will. But don't
assume that's a useful tactic; we know what you're thinking and resent
your attempt to manipulate us. Continue holding. That's a helpline pun.
11:06 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers. Please enjoy
these soothing waterfall sounds.
11:12 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers. Your wait time
is approximately twelvefinity. Please continue to hold, won't you?
Thanks, girl!
11:20 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other customers who aren't you.
These customers include but are not limited to your exes, your exes'
current better lovers, people who believe feminism is a myth,
mouth-breathers, people who don't sing along when "Suffragette City"
plays on the radio, and reality TV stars. If you cry, then your sobs may
be recorded for our holiday party mix.
11:27 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping your ex-girlfriends. Go ahead
and pee, but balance your phone between your ear and shoulder while you
do so, because sometimes when customers switch to speakerphone it hangs
up instead, and if you hang up or drop your phone in your urine, then
you will lose your shit and place in line.
11:35 a.m.
Our representatives are still saving the lives of other customers. To
help us better assist you, please enter your 35-digit account number,
followed by your billing address, followed by your National ID number,
all in numerical order.
11:37 a.m.
That account number does not exist in our records. To prevent fraud,
we have reported you to the authorities for investigation. Please
continue to hold.
11:42 a.m.
Our representatives are still helping other more physically fit,
financially stable, sexually talented customers. Please describe your
question or problem using no more than five words, only two of which may
contain more than one syllable. If you state a problem in uptalk? Then
you will be disconnected.
11:44 a.m.
Our representatives are not going to try to help you if you insist on
using that tone of voice. Keep calm and continue to hold.
11:49 a.m.
Our automated system heard that. No, you go #$%^ yourself.
12:00 n.n.
Please enjoy this light jazz song, which is slightly but discernibly
more or less uptempo from the light jazz song you've been listening to
for the last hour.
12:10 p.m.
Our representatives are currently helping ourselves to other people's
clearly marked food in the break-room refrigerator. Please consider
using the live-chat feature on our website, which cannot connect you to
anyone who can do anything about your problem, but we have a website, so
that's cool, huh?
12:18 p.m.
Our representatives are no longer helping other customers, but we're
going to wait a little longer to take your call anyway, because we have
never experienced mutual orgasm.
12:30 p.m.
Our representatives have taken a break to enjoy a soothing cup of
tea. Would you like a cup of soothing-PSYCH! Please continue to hold.
12:52 p.m.
Our call centre is being invaded by robots with chainsaws for hands.
Please continue to-
1:03 p.m.
Our representatives are being eradicated by chainsaw robots. Some of
us are being forced to marry our captors. Please-
1:16 p.m.
Please hold while we hire new representatives, hopefully ones with
greater structural integrity in the torso area.
1:30 p.m.
Our representatives have been replaced by chainsaw robots. P-LEA-SE
CON-TIN-U-E TO HO-LD.
1:41 p.m.
Our representatives are currently eradicating other customers. Hold.
Your gruesome death is very important to us.
1:50 p.m.
Our representatives will be with you very, very shortly. Please make
sure your door is unlocked. Do not hang up your phone.
- Funny Woman
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