Online edition of Sunday Observer

Bitter memories.........

"I do not remember when the molesting started... But, from the beginning I never did want to live. Think I was five when I thought 'may be I won't live until ten...' I wanted to get away. Run away from everything. I was eight when he first raped me. It was pretty regular after that and did not stop until I went to college.

My father not only molested me. He molested all my cousins and all the girls in the neighbourhood. The ones that I know, there are at least twenty-four. There are others I've thought about. People really trusted him with their kids. He was a great social manipulator and he knew how kids thought. It's amazing how a person can mess with so many kids." - (40 year old survivor of child sexual abuse.)

Source: Internet

"I am scared. So very scared. I didn't want him to do it to me. It hurts... I hate him. I hate him. I want to kill him. Every day, I pray to the gods that he comes down with some terrible disease... may be AIDS... " Buddhika (not his real name) a 14 year old boy burns with anger. Tears roll down his cheeks as he confides in his teacher.

It had been two years since the nightmares began. He had been hiding it from the world while his parents wondered why their bubbly boy did not engage in his usual activities any more. "He was becoming a loner day by day" complained his mother. The happy child started spending hours sitting huddled, with his hands on his cheeks... staring... At other times, they could not get him away from the blaring TV... the interest he developed was on 'adult' shows. 'Teen years' they thought.

The drop in his school grades even with 'extra classes' worried them. Buddhika was blamed for not 'studying.' Nobody thought to question why he refused to share his room with 'Ajit aiya' one of his older cousins, who stayed with the family from time to time. Buddhika was deemed as "just being selfish."

Fiction? Think again. This is not concocted sensationalism. And nothing could be nearer the truth than this.

The volcano of 'Child Sexual Abuse' - one of the worst forms of violence against children, is awakening, not so slowly, but surely. The last 25 years saw the gushing of smoke from time to time in scattered incidents in various parts of the country. Some abusers have been exposed, occasionally arrested and punished. But, most of the time they have been let loose scot-free.

Some of the victims who voice their nightmarish ordeals are forgotten after the element of 'sensation' has been sapped out their stories for its 'entertainment value'. And a majority stay 'silent sufferers' of this horrendous crime preferring to shove it under the carpet, rather than expose it and deal with it. But the 'ostritch' attitude notwithstanding the incidence of child sexual abuse has not only shown an increase in recent years, but also spread its ominous tentacles to include premeditated child abduction, sexual abuse and murder! Newspapers reported 162 stories of child sexual abuse in 2001.

This is a 60 per cent increase from that of 2000's 101 cases say the National Child Protection Authority (NCPA). While some of the cases are in courts and laws have been tightened to ensure that molesters do not escape due to legal loop-holes, the bigger issue that continues to be overlooked is the plight of the children. What has happened to these child victims? Nobody really knows.

And not only is the fate of these victims not known. No organisation - government or non-government, or even those working in the field of child sexual abuse are able to give proper statistics of the incidence in Sri Lanka. While the world statistics show that one out of every 3 girls and every 7 boys are abused sexually before they reach the age of 18, in 2000 and 2001, 195 incidents of sexual abuse have been reported to the NCPA.

These reported cases are "just the tip of an iceberg. Very little is seen on the surface," says Professor Harendra de Silva, Chairman, NCPA.

It was only recently that the investigators of the NCPA caught some offenders in Negombo, using child victims for commercial sexual exploitation.

This trade thrives in Sri Lanka due to non-vigilance, denial, tardiness or pure lethargy of the authorities as well as the general public. Money from the paedophile mafia rings also aids blinding society. Sometimes, it could be the child's own parents who offer him or her 'dressed' on a platter to be devoured by the abusers. Rough estimates put the number of child sex workers in Sri Lanka in the region of 15,000 to 30,000 constituting mainly of 'boy prostitutes' in coastal areas.

What is child sexual abuse? Perhaps some of us may not even know what it is ! According to childcare experts "child sexual abuse occurs when an adult or someone bigger than a child uses his or her power or authority over a child, or takes advantage of a child's trust or respect, to involve a child in sexual activity. The person may use tricks, bribes, threats and sometimes physical force, to involve the child in some form of sexual activity."

What are the impacts of child sexual abuse? Where the social impact is concerned "initial investigation and caring in the short term. And in the long run, risk of health hazards, risky behaviours some child sexual abuse victims are prone to in later life such as delinquency and criminality make a huge negative impact on society. The financial burden, is on society as well. Control measures are expensive," explains Prof. De Silva.

And the impact on the child? Why would anybody want to open the 'Pandora's box?' Yes, it is vast and affected by many factors.

"It depends on the duration - how many times and for how long. The intensity - whether it was molestation or grave abuse. Whether there had been other types of abuse - physical and emotional in addition. Whether the child has someone to fall back on. And the resilience of the child. Some resilient children, may lock up the episode in a corner of their minds and try to resume normal life. But if a child is non-resilient, even one episode will affect negatively." explains the Professor.

Sexual abuse may maim a child physically and psychologically. Sometimes for life. The physiological impacts are, "health hazards include being prone to sexually transmitted diseases such as AIDS and physical damage to anatomy."

But, what about the psychological impact? It may make or break a child. But, unfortunately this is the impact to which the least importance is given, in the Sri Lankan context. The dearth of child psychologists is a hindrance in this case. The number of "clinical psychologists, who are allowed to treat patients is less than 10," says Prof. De Silva. The same goes for trained counsellors for children. Long term effects on children include depression, suicidal thoughts, suicidal behaviour, and anxiety states.

The child goes through trauma and confusion. He or she is lacking in concentration and may become aggressive, violent and ashamed. Though all do not behave in the same manner, there is a tendency amongst some victims to show self destructive or anti-social behaviour at times. "So what?" one may question. "I was not abused. Neither was my child." But, beware. It is not always the 'other person'.

Though you may not have been abused, day by day, the risk of your child increases. And, child sexual abuse does not end there.

Sri Lanka, in the eyes of the world may have done her part by being signatory to conventions and charters preventing child sexual abuse, and amending the Penal Code in 1995 regarding child sexual abuse. But, to what effect? How do those who are engaged in this terrible crime continue with their dastardly deeds? How are so many child sexual abuse cases reported in the media? How are so many child sexual workers operating? So many child pornographic publications on the market? How do numerous video parlours continue to produce and show child pornographic films?

Isn't it time we take a good look at us, take stock of ourselves and our future generations?

"Mankind owes to the child the best that it has to give...." states the 1924 Declaration of the Rights of the Child, the first united attempt to protect children of the world. But, is it 'the best' our children have received so far? This is a valid point to ponder.

It is not everyone who gets an opportunity to deal with their abuse and leave it behind as a child. Many 'silent sufferers' go through their adult life, embittered, rejected, ashamed. The helpless child all over again. Here are some hints to take charge of oneself again.

The decision to heal: Once you recognise the effects of child sexual abuse in your life, you need to make an active commitment to heal. Deep healing happens only when you choose it and are willing to change yourself.

The big break in: Beginning to deal with memories and suppressed feelings can throw your life into utter turmoil. However, remember, this is only for a short time. It won't last forever. Remembering: Many survivors suppress all memories of what happened to them as children. Those who do not forget the actual incident often forget how they felt at the time. Remembering is the process of getting back both memory and feeling.

Believing it happened: Survivors often doubt their own perceptions. Coming to believe that the abuse really happened and that it really hurt you, is a vital part of the healing process.

Letting go of guilt: Children usually believe the abuse is their fault. Adult survivors must place the blame to where it belongs - directly on the shoulders of the abuser.

Becoming one with the child within: Many survivors have lost touch with their own vulnerability. Getting in touch with the child within can help you feel compassion for yourself, more anger at your abuser and greater intimacy with others.

Trusting yourself: The best guide for healing is your own inner voice. Learning to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions form a new basis for action in the world.

Grieving and mourning: As children being abused and later as adults struggling to survive, most survivors haven't felt their losses. Grieving is a way to honour your pain, let go, an move into the present. Anger - the backbone of healing: Anger is a powerful and liberating force. Directing your rage squarely at your abuser, and at those who didn't protect you is pivotal to healing.

Disclosure and confrontations: Directly confronting your abuser and/or your family is not for every survivor. But it can be a dramatic cleansing tool.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness of the abuser is not an essential part though it is recommended by many therapists. The only essential forgiveness is for yourself.

Resolution and moving on: As you move through the above stages again and again you will reach a point of integration. Your feelings and perspectives will be stabilised. You will come to terms with your abuser and other adults. While you won't erase your history, you will make deep and lasting changes in your life.

Having gained awareness, compassion, and power through healing, you will have the opportunity to work toward a better world.