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| Sunday, 2 November 2003 |
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Features |  |
| News Business Features Editorial
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Loss of a loved one by Neville Perera The loss of someone we love, through death, is a universal human experience. It can have a fearful and sometimes quite unexpected impact on those who experience it. While most people eventually weather the problem, some are left permanently embittered, mentally crippled by the event itself or their reaction to it. Indeed modern man finds death even more difficult to cope with than his predecessors. So the question arises - how can we live with the loss of a loved one and how can we help and support others who have to do so. Death comes in a thousand forms. We all know that it is inevitable. The most common cause of death is heart failure and cancer comes next. The first reaction to the death of someone close to us is the numbed shock. However, the mourner is never alone. The experience of the loss is shared by the people who are close to him or her. The majority of bereaved people are supported by their families and to a lesser extent by their friends and neighbours during the trauma of the few days after a death. The most difficult loss to cope with is the death of a spouse. Death took my wife about four and a half years back. It robbed our four sons of their love for the mother. Without her, the world became a less friendly, less gentle and a less understanding place. The thought of her parting has always been and will always be painful. What is death ? Many phrases have been coined by literary men who have sought to soften the harshness of the word 'death'. Sir William Shakespeare called it" a necessary end". Francis Bacon says, "It is natural to die as to be born. "In the Bible, St. Paul says, "to die is gain". The two enemies of recovery are loneliness and deprivation. If the bereaved person has lost a constant companion - a spouse, a roommate, a close and valued confidant - the lonelines can be like physical pain. Time, we are told, is the great healer. There is some truth in that saying. In the early days of bereavement, when friends and relatives are most supportive, the healing of grief may appear rapid and successful. Vacation Sometimes a vacation away at a relative's or friend's home can help, but the familiar setting still has to be faced eventually and faced without the loved companion. Again, friends must watch out for the symptoms and help the bereaved person to achieve a sensible balance of activity. Anniversaries and birthdays can also stir up memories. It is probably better to anticipate them than to allow them to creep up on us. Indeed, a positive approach - making the day special in some way, perhaps by inviting a few friends or relatives to a meal or having an outing - can remove the sting before it strikes. At death we must leave behind all the wealth and all our earthly honours we may have accumulated. Our material possessions will be used up or left to others and our worldly fame will be forgotten. But there is something far more significant than any amount of money or any position that we will have to leave behind when we depart this earthly scene. It is our influence on our children. |
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