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| Sunday, 7 March 2004 |
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Green Elephant delivery service Light Refractions by Lucien Rajakarunanayake The atmosphere at the Green Elephant was abuzz with polls talk. Some members were busy with calculators doing repeated calculations of the winning numbers. Others were using whatever was left of their grey cells to calculate how the TNA would fare, and how they will help Ranil get back to his position of peon/Prime Minister, as President Premadasa described the office. Some were hanging their heads in front of their drinks, thinking of the possible commutations of a hung parliament. Others were recalling days when the hurdles race was their favourite event at school sports meets. Some of them were even contemplating going to Ronnie Punny for a refresher course in long jump or hurdles. That was when the doorbell rang. It was a huge delivery of pizza, ordered by Milinda Alivanguva. There were so many jumbo-sized pizzas in a variety of flavours to please any elephant. Milinda Alivanguva knew all the while that the pizza-rajas don't charge for deliveries to the Green Elephant or any elephant function these days. That was part of his success in opaque transactions behind transparent glass doors. It was the sight of all those huge pizzas being delivered and the members of the Green Elephant rushing to grab their favourite flavour that sparked off a thought in Aravin Phoenix Gajachinthana, the creative guy. "It's the delivery that matters," he said. "We must make capital of what we delivered." That's right let's tell the people in the biggest letters possible that "We Delivered", said a loud voice, that of Ravi Alikeliya also known as Hora Gajamuthu. "Even better, we can say that 'Ranil offers delivery and not self-service," said Prof. Verbal Diarrhoea, who had saved his skin in the herd by getting a berth on the National List of elephants, much to the dislike of others who had to fight it out in the electoral jungle. "But won't this talk of delivery cause problems?' asked Navin Alipetiya, son of the late Gamini Gajanayaka. "What problems. We have a damn good record of delivery. So why hide it. I think that is the best slogan," said Ravi Alikeliya. "Well let me give you a warning with what little experience I may have," said Navin Alipetiya. All eyes and ears were suddenly focused on him. "What if they say we successfully delivered that Millennium City Safe House of the Army Intelligence Unit and the entire Long Range Reconnaissance Operation to the Tigers?" "Who bothers about that, when we have delivered two years of a ceasefire?" asked Ravi Alikeliya. "Alright, what if they say we delivered the entire Kilinochchi District to the Tigers with the ceasefire agreement, and also delivered on a platter to the Tigers the heads of more than 40 informants or members of the Intelligence Unit?" "I think good old Tilak when he was the Aliaarakhsaka Nilame, had answered that heads on a platter one well, by saying that those who joined such a service did so knowing well they that they faced the risk of death," said Samson Aliravula, carefully separating the white and the black from his exclusive mutton chop beard."We must listen to what Navin Alipetiya says" said Gamini Athagala, still caretaker of irrigating the fields, and a very senior member of the Green Elephant, who has been shoved to a side by the fawning junior jumbos around Ranil Aliraja. "What have we delivered to the paddy cultivators? That Sakala Banda Dahajarava, who crossed over to us from Hanguranketha, can't even address them any more. They keep asking for the fertilizer subsidy. Have we really delivered a good price for their rice to them, after all the pains of cultivation? I think this delivery talk can be very risky," said Athagala. "Now don't tell me that we haven't delivered anything," said Ravi Alikeliya. "Yes we did" said Navin Alipetiya. "We emptied the CWE and delivered it to the private sector for a song. Everybody knows that, and they don't consider that a good delivery at all." Ravi Alikeliya was not too pleased with that observation. "But that was the best price we could get" he blurted out. "But isn't it because you ran it down first?" Alipetiya snapped back. "And what about that delivery of so many thousand metric tons of rice, Can we really claim "We Delivered" on that?" "Now come on, how can anyone say we did not deliver?" asked Milinda Alivanguva. "There is so much that we did deliver, and we were about to deliver much more." He said. Jagath Kolapaata, a life member of the Green Elephant, who preferred to be in the background and not face all the bother of the jungle bouts for the "manaapey", took a sip of his Johnnie Walker Blue Label and joined the jumbo discussion. He was looking straight at Milinda Alivanguva as he spoke. "Yes, we did deliver. You went to Hawaii and delivered a speech where you said we must accept American hegemony, and also accept the United States as the international policeman. That was a great delivery indeed. Before anyone could interrupt, he went on. "Even the leader of our herd made a great delivery. When he addressed the United Nations he said the US had no choice but to attack Iraq without waiting for any UN approval. He also said, possibly coached by Alivanguva here - that the world needs a policeman and the US fits the bill. His later statement that it was some fault of grammar in the delivery was of no use. Are we to go to the people with such deliveries?" There was silence all round for some time. "But we did deliver on peace. Have we not?" asked Milinda Alivanguva. "What about the safety net?" "Safety net, my foot," said Gamini Athagala. "Can anyone explain what this safety net is and what it has done for us? What was the use of this safety net, when that woman on the big chair took over defence and interior, and the media too? All I know is that the safety net said it was all very constitutional and they could do nothing about it." "There are many of us who are still trying to figure out what this so-called safety net was," he added. "But we keep forgetting about peace. Surely no one can say we did not deliver on that. We had six rounds of talks with the Tigers. Isn't that a delivery to be proud of?" asked Prof. Verbal Diarrhoea of the jumbo kind. Navin Alipetiya spoke again. "The less you talk about peace the better. The problem we have today is to explain to the people that what you said was not exactly true, and that you were in fact the mouthpiece of that Balasingham Tiger, who was controlling you like a clockwork toy. You thought they were good deliveries, when in fact they were only spoiling the pitch for us all the while." That seemed to silence the Professor who was looking green at his gills."Well what about home delivery. Surely you saw that pizza guy bring all that pizza right here. Haven't we encouraged home delivery against self-service? People can now shop from home. There's e-Bizz", what about all those deliveries?" asked Ravi Alikeliya, with a new drink in his hand. "Shopping at home is good for the people you mix up with" said Gamini Athagala. "But the real story of home delivery is that we made sure that everyday the cost of essentials brought home went up in price. We brought a VAT we did not understand, and kept choking Choksy all the while. We couldn't even keep to your promise on gas prices at home. Mundo has now become a jumbo joke. It's best we keep home deliveries aside," he said. "But what about our delivery in rejoining a divided country?" asked Milinda Alivanguva. "Looking at today's advertisement about it, we can't claim such of a delivery on that score. It says the truth. It shows as if Sri Lanka has been put together with the sewing of someone taking the first lesson in needlework. There's no strength seen in that at all. I would call it delivery at its worst," said Navin Alipetiya. "But we did make friends with the Tiger, after all. Wasn't that something good we delivered" asked Long John Alihondawela, still feeling the absence of his interior."If that was our best delivery, why is Maheswaran running with the pack in Colombo and not Jaffna, and what happened to our candidate good elephant Sinnathambi from Batticaloa? Was it a sign of good friendship that the Tigers killed him, and also demanded that all our other candidates over there withdraw from the race, and make public announcements about it?' asked Gamini Athagala. "Looks like we are in for agonizing pangs of labour in jumbo deliveries" said Navin Alipetiya. |
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