My car! My mate!

by Aditha Dissanayake

There are times when it seems almost the same. Shopping for a car and searching for the perfect mate. I confess I realized this all important phenomena recently while shamelessly eavedroping on a conversation of one of my unmarried colleageues.

Eager to know if he was talking to his future wife to be, after straining my ears for almost half an hour I was disappointed when I heard him say 'Colour Silver'. He was talking about a car!

My mistake seems almost natural. After all, by the time we begin the search for a car or for a mate we have already had twenty to thirty years of shopping around to have formulated our beliefs as to what our car or partner should be like, and so, we have definite ideas about how everything should be. In short, we know what to expect when we finally make the commitment.

But, do we get what we expected? Even when we have identified our definite dislikes and taken a lot of time searching for the one car/partner that comes closest to fulfilling all our wishes, can we be sure our choice is right?

Yes to the former. No, to the latter. When we buy a car, we consider the price, appearance, milage and optional equipment. If we buy from classified ads, we interview the seller, take the vehicle for a test drive or to a trusted mechanic for a checkup.

We know exactly what features we want and how much we are willing to spend. We stand firm on all the items we want, searching all over the country until we find the one that meets most of our requirements at a price we can afford.

When it comes to searching for a partner too, we already have firm ideas as to what we want and how we expect him or her to perform for us. Often, we shop around for years and get to know what the opposite sex is all about.

We date dozens, reject some, or get rejected in turn, and become so wise and discerning we think we can spot the potential problems in a relationship within the first couple of meetings.

Till one day, out of the blue, you bump into Mr. Right or Ms. Perfect. Wearily you begin to think, maybe this time. You come from the same socioeconomic backgrounds. Your families like each other. You laugh a lot and enjoy the same activities. The physical attraction between you is nothing short of fireworks. Wow, this is it? this is really it!

Would anyone in their right mind, buy a car in this same way? When we buy a car, the interaction is based on logical communication, facts, figures and legalities. But when we find a partner, we let emotions rather than facts and logic guide us.

We willingly and eagerly jump feet-first into a lifelong commitment without ever heeding the rule buyer beware. No wonder then, that while you drive home the car you'd just bought, knowing exactly what kind of performance you can expect from it, ( at least in the near future) you'll never know what you will get yourself into, after the day you sign on the dotted line with the partner you have decided to be with, till only death will separate you from one another.

Chances are, even as you sign the book in front of the marriage registrar, you would have, in your mind, signed an imaginary contract of your own too. A contract which, would probably read something like this.

CONTRACT

1) I hereby renounce the right to make myself happy, knowing that from now on, you will do it for me.

2) Every need I now have, I expect you to fill.

3) In exchange I will try to fill your every need. This gives me the right to advise and control you, because I know what is best for you.

4) With our responsibility for each other, we must match each other's moods. If you are angry I will be angry too. I will be sad when you are sad, and expect sadness when I am sad. If one of us worries the other must also worry. One must never be happy unless both are happy, no matter how long it takes. if ever.

5) From now on, I will look to you for all my companionship, instead of having additional friends in my life.

6) Because you are the most important person in my life, should I ever be unhappy, it will clearly be your fault. And it is therefore, your responsibility to reverse my mood.

There you have it. As Lee Schenebly says in ?Being Happy Being Married?, most of us form such a contract in our minds because we feel how glorious it will be to have someone whose purpose in life would be to make us happy, what ever that might take. Of course, we are being irrational, but that is what being in love is all about.

Often, deciding on your partner for life, is like seeing a FOR SALE sign on the window of a car and deciding that that is the car you will drive, for the rest of your life because it is such a neat shade of blue. So, you go ahead and get married, and believe you will live happily everafter. That's the price of being in love. You think you can do anything. And who knows, if you hold on to this belief for the rest of your life, you might, you just

might live happily ever after. Chances are, when the car you bought after such consideration and logical thinking has long passed out of your hands, you will still have your mate, whom you decided so irrationally to marry, to make love to, when you are old. Tenderly.

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