Missing pages of a diary - Found by Panchamee Hewavissenti
December 05 - 2001
I feel my fiance Ravin doesnít take much care of me. His confidant at
University Danush told me that he was carrying on an affair with a woman
two or three years elder to Ravin. I had a trauma on hearing that. Why
the deuce he needs another woman? I fulfil every need of his. I give the
love, care, attention and everything. Then why does he need to seek that
from another woman? I donít know whatís wrong with him.
December 06 -2001
My mind is extremely perturbed. Danush calls me every night to keep
me updated with Ravinís affair with that woman who is in her mid
thirties. I was tortured by imaginative thoughts of Ravin and that
married woman. I canít keep this any more in mind without sorting it out
with Ravin. I blasted Ravin not out of anger but out of paroxysm of
`Ravin aiya, donít you love me, why do you go behind otherís women
when you have your own girl for you?
Ravin looked askance at me pretending he didnít know anything what I
`Which woman?í I repeated Ravinís question. `Donít act as if you
donít know anything. And donít try to fool me. I know whatís happening
at the University. I know you are carrying on an affair with an older
woman. Thatís why you donít attend to me and often neglect me. Whatís
the meaning of this Ravin aiya. Donít hurt me like this, please.í
Ravin slipped his fingers through my hair. I slightly closed my eyes
to feel his love. He held my chin tenderly and lifted my face so as to
look directly in to my eyes.
`My little girl, thereís no affair like that. She is just a
colleague. If I have an affair thatís only with you. I swear.í
December 13 -2001
Ravin is very lovable mostly on Saturdays. Because thatís the only
day in the week we scheduled to meet. Other days of the week, I truly
miss him a lot. Thereíre days that he doesnít even send me a text to
check if Iím doing well.
He is my world, my life, my everything. But for him...? I feel Iím
not getting enough care and love from Ravin. When I call him he is not
bothered to answer my call or call me back later on. Some days he sends
me texts for the sake of keeping in touch with me. But still I need him
a lot. I canít think of another lover. Do I have to suffer like
this..... Whatís wrong with me?
December 14 -2001
Danush rang me today as usual. I was flabbergasted to hear that my
Ravin had gone out for lunch with that woman. I rang him many times but
no answer. He is either guilty to talk to me or not in a mood to talk to
me when he is with that woman. He has changed a lot. Will he leave me?
Is he playing with my life? I cried a lot today. A feeling of
wretchedness has prevailed me.
I wanted to meet Ravin immediately. But he doesnít want. I kept on
ringing his phone but no answer. He would have been with that woman. I
donít know exactly if he is busy with lectures (as he says) or having a
gala time with that woman. When I rang in the evening his phone was
December 15 -2001
I could neither reach Ravin nor he communicated with me yesterday. I
missed him so much and my thoughts were disturbed because of what Danush
told me. Danush is very closer to me now. I am quite sure he never tells
lies. I tried to call him this morning. Still the phone was switched
off. As Danush said they donít have much lectures or exams these days.
Tomorrow is Saturday. The only day that we meet in the week. I slept
in the afternoon because my mind was disturbed and didnít feel like
engaging in any work. I had no motivation to study. These days Iím quite
away from studies. Thinking only what Ravin might be doing.
December 16 -2001
Today, Saturday, the most anticipated day of the week. Ravin came to
the bus halt with his usual smile and chocolate and set of bon mots. He
cuddled me as usual in the corner seat of the bus. I wanted to scold
him. But how could I? I was totally helpless due to his lovable
demeanour. Why to waste this precious and finest moment fighting with
him? But an urge of investigating the truth of what Danush said arose in
my heart. Suddenly I took my head off his arms and blasted him.
`I know you have an affair with a woman called Gihani. I came to know
that youíre closely getting on with her in over pal manner. Why do you
cheat me Ravin? I canít bear these things. If you want her,if you love
her, fine go ahead. Donít bury me alive. Donít let me suffer like this.
I donít like people who deceive me with duplicity.í
I burst into tears. Ravin tried to quell my splitting feelings by
thoroughly denying of an affair with Gihani. I had to believe that since
I have no other choice but to love him.
14 January -2002
I blamed Ravin almost everyday for his demeanour of flirt. Ravin
might be tired of my scorns. But his conscious knows how guilty he is. I
canít even think of my Ravin even touching a womanís finger. I am very
20 January -2002
Since my A/L exam is drawing near I have to devote my time more to
studies. I am lost between the exam and lover. Ravin knows I love him to
death. Therefore he doesnít want to leave me. He is very possessive of
me. He gets angry when I talk to guys, even to my close pals. He doesnít
let me communicate with my male friends even for an emergency.
28 January -2002
Unlike earlier now we meet quite often. Ravin comes to class to pick
me and safely drops me at home. I am safe at his hand. I have no other
comfort than his warmth.
Danush said that the affair between Ravin and Gihani is no more.
After I told Ravin that Iím hurt a lot because of that affair, he has
tried to avoid Gihani and finally he has given up the affair altogether.
20 July- 2002
Ravinís mind was highly disturbed on hearing that my family brought a
proposal to me. He was at his wits end when the news broke. He begged
from me not to marry Susara. Susara is handsome than Ravin ,but Ravin is
the handsomest for me.
Ravin is a good guy after all. But he is very busy to spend time with
me. I remember I once told Ravin that I am very unlucky because all my
friends have gala times with their lovers. For two years of our affair I
and Ravin had gone out only twice. But my friends often go out with
their loved ones holding hands and caressing lovers. I am a silent
sufferer. I feel shy to tell Ravin that I too need to experience that
wonderful feeling. As Ravin always says love void of lust is as pure as
moonlight. I donít know I have to however suppress my burning youthful
29 November -2002
I told Ravin that my parents arrange d my wedding with Susara. Ravin
went wild. He is so furious. `I canít afford to lose you Menu. I need
you. If you marry him I die to kill you bothí. I can understand Ravinís
feelings. I looked directly at Ravin. `Ravin can you assure that you can
marry me. Then I will hold my marriage and wait for youí.
`Yes, I will. But not in a hurry. I have to finish my PhD firstí.
`Are you sure Ravin?í
`Yes my darling. I swear. You are the only woman with whom I can
think of a life. I understand that there were many shortcomings on my
side. I couldnít fulfil many of your requirements. Hereafter I am there
to give you every thing you need. Yes darling everything. I value you so
much. I am sorry if Iíd done a mistake. You will feel it in futureí.
Ravin hugged me thoroughly. `I will call you everyday, text you
everyday. Thatís for certain darling. Iíll be a great lover hereafterí.
He kissed my head.
`Ravin aiya would you accept the fact that you didnít give me enough
care and love that an adolescent lover expectsí.
`Yes, yes. I admit. Ií m sorry. Iíll be a great lover hereafter.
10 December- 2002
Ravin is very attentive to me now. As he gets up in the morning he
sends me a text expressing his love as heíd never done. But he is too
late. I canít go against my parents. And Ravin is not ready to marry me
since he has to finish his PhD. I am caught between the devil and the
deep blue sea. I donít mind to elope with Ravin. But he is not ready for
`Ravin aiya, I need to start a life with you. You have to marry me
soon otherwise my parents will give me in marriage to Susara as it is
`No darling donít do that. Give me little time Iíll settle
everything. Donít worry I will marry you after I have settled
04 March -2003
I got Ravinís text in the morning as usual. He is getting ready for
his exam. His text reads `Darling Menu, I am getting ready for my exam.
Iíll leave Colombo tomorrow for Kandy to study with my friends. I will
be back in another two monthsí.
10 May -2003
My parents have fixed my marriage with Susara. They have matched
horoscopes and done all necessary arrangements. I too have to prepare
for my marriage with Susara as I have no other option. I called Ravin
but his mobile is switched off. I have no way to contact him. He must be
busy with studies. What to do, I have no way to let him know that I am
getting married next week. He will go crazy when he hear that I am
already married when he is back in Colombo after his exam. I am
helpless. I love Ravin, but the marriage is fixed between me and Susara.
20 May -2003
Tomorrow is my wedding. Butterflies are in the stomach. I am a bit
nervous. I couldnít contact Ravin. I am lost between two worlds. Any way
this will be the last page I am going to write in this dairy. I have to
tear and throw the pages of this diary in case Susara sees those things
what I have done he will suspect me and I wonít be able to lead a good
marriage life. Any way I have made my mind to marry Susara.
21 May at 3.30 am -2003
I am very sad to tear off pages of this diary. However my past was on
those pages. I donít know why am I writing this bit because in the next
moment I will tear this page as well. Before tearing off I thought of
writing down my last words........Good bye Ravin....This is the end of