Missing pages of a diary - Found by Panchamee Hewavissenti

December 05 - 2001

I feel my fiance Ravin doesn’t take much care of me. His confidant at University Danush told me that he was carrying on an affair with a woman two or three years elder to Ravin. I had a trauma on hearing that. Why the deuce he needs another woman? I fulfil every need of his. I give the love, care, attention and everything. Then why does he need to seek that from another woman? I don’t know what’s wrong with him.

December 06 -2001

My mind is extremely perturbed. Danush calls me every night to keep me updated with Ravin’s affair with that woman who is in her mid thirties. I was tortured by imaginative thoughts of Ravin and that married woman. I can’t keep this any more in mind without sorting it out with Ravin. I blasted Ravin not out of anger but out of paroxysm of love.

`Ravin aiya, don’t you love me, why do you go behind other’s women when you have your own girl for you?

`Which woman?’

Ravin looked askance at me pretending he didn’t know anything what I asked about.

`Which woman?’ I repeated Ravin’s question. `Don’t act as if you don’t know anything. And don’t try to fool me. I know what’s happening at the University. I know you are carrying on an affair with an older woman. That’s why you don’t attend to me and often neglect me. What’s the meaning of this Ravin aiya. Don’t hurt me like this, please.’

Ravin slipped his fingers through my hair. I slightly closed my eyes to feel his love. He held my chin tenderly and lifted my face so as to look directly in to my eyes.

`My little girl, there’s no affair like that. She is just a colleague. If I have an affair that’s only with you. I swear.’

December 13 -2001

Ravin is very lovable mostly on Saturdays. Because that’s the only day in the week we scheduled to meet. Other days of the week, I truly miss him a lot. There’re days that he doesn’t even send me a text to check if I’m doing well.

He is my world, my life, my everything. But for him...? I feel I’m not getting enough care and love from Ravin. When I call him he is not bothered to answer my call or call me back later on. Some days he sends me texts for the sake of keeping in touch with me. But still I need him a lot. I can’t think of another lover. Do I have to suffer like this..... What’s wrong with me?

December 14 -2001

Danush rang me today as usual. I was flabbergasted to hear that my Ravin had gone out for lunch with that woman. I rang him many times but no answer. He is either guilty to talk to me or not in a mood to talk to me when he is with that woman. He has changed a lot. Will he leave me? Is he playing with my life? I cried a lot today. A feeling of wretchedness has prevailed me.

I wanted to meet Ravin immediately. But he doesn’t want. I kept on ringing his phone but no answer. He would have been with that woman. I don’t know exactly if he is busy with lectures (as he says) or having a gala time with that woman. When I rang in the evening his phone was switched off.

December 15 -2001

I could neither reach Ravin nor he communicated with me yesterday. I missed him so much and my thoughts were disturbed because of what Danush told me. Danush is very closer to me now. I am quite sure he never tells lies. I tried to call him this morning. Still the phone was switched off. As Danush said they don’t have much lectures or exams these days.

Tomorrow is Saturday. The only day that we meet in the week. I slept in the afternoon because my mind was disturbed and didn’t feel like engaging in any work. I had no motivation to study. These days I’m quite away from studies. Thinking only what Ravin might be doing.

December 16 -2001

Today, Saturday, the most anticipated day of the week. Ravin came to the bus halt with his usual smile and chocolate and set of bon mots. He cuddled me as usual in the corner seat of the bus. I wanted to scold him. But how could I? I was totally helpless due to his lovable demeanour. Why to waste this precious and finest moment fighting with him? But an urge of investigating the truth of what Danush said arose in my heart. Suddenly I took my head off his arms and blasted him.

`I know you have an affair with a woman called Gihani. I came to know that you’re closely getting on with her in over pal manner. Why do you cheat me Ravin? I can’t bear these things. If you want her,if you love her, fine go ahead. Don’t bury me alive. Don’t let me suffer like this. I don’t like people who deceive me with duplicity.’

I burst into tears. Ravin tried to quell my splitting feelings by thoroughly denying of an affair with Gihani. I had to believe that since I have no other choice but to love him.

14 January -2002

I blamed Ravin almost everyday for his demeanour of flirt. Ravin might be tired of my scorns. But his conscious knows how guilty he is. I can’t even think of my Ravin even touching a woman’s finger. I am very possessive.

20 January -2002

Since my A/L exam is drawing near I have to devote my time more to studies. I am lost between the exam and lover. Ravin knows I love him to death. Therefore he doesn’t want to leave me. He is very possessive of me. He gets angry when I talk to guys, even to my close pals. He doesn’t let me communicate with my male friends even for an emergency.

28 January -2002

Unlike earlier now we meet quite often. Ravin comes to class to pick me and safely drops me at home. I am safe at his hand. I have no other comfort than his warmth.

Danush said that the affair between Ravin and Gihani is no more. After I told Ravin that I’m hurt a lot because of that affair, he has tried to avoid Gihani and finally he has given up the affair altogether.

20 July- 2002

Ravin’s mind was highly disturbed on hearing that my family brought a proposal to me. He was at his wits end when the news broke. He begged from me not to marry Susara. Susara is handsome than Ravin ,but Ravin is the handsomest for me.

Ravin is a good guy after all. But he is very busy to spend time with me. I remember I once told Ravin that I am very unlucky because all my friends have gala times with their lovers. For two years of our affair I and Ravin had gone out only twice. But my friends often go out with their loved ones holding hands and caressing lovers. I am a silent sufferer. I feel shy to tell Ravin that I too need to experience that wonderful feeling. As Ravin always says love void of lust is as pure as moonlight. I don’t know I have to however suppress my burning youthful desires.

29 November -2002

I told Ravin that my parents arrange d my wedding with Susara. Ravin went wild. He is so furious. `I can’t afford to lose you Menu. I need you. If you marry him I die to kill you both’. I can understand Ravin’s feelings. I looked directly at Ravin. `Ravin can you assure that you can marry me. Then I will hold my marriage and wait for you’.

`Yes, I will. But not in a hurry. I have to finish my PhD first’.

`Are you sure Ravin?’

`Yes my darling. I swear. You are the only woman with whom I can think of a life. I understand that there were many shortcomings on my side. I couldn’t fulfil many of your requirements. Hereafter I am there to give you every thing you need. Yes darling everything. I value you so much. I am sorry if I’d done a mistake. You will feel it in future’.

Ravin hugged me thoroughly. `I will call you everyday, text you everyday. That’s for certain darling. I’ll be a great lover hereafter’. He kissed my head.

`Ravin aiya would you accept the fact that you didn’t give me enough care and love that an adolescent lover expects’.

`Yes, yes. I admit. I’ m sorry. I’ll be a great lover hereafter.

10 December- 2002

Ravin is very attentive to me now. As he gets up in the morning he sends me a text expressing his love as he’d never done. But he is too late. I can’t go against my parents. And Ravin is not ready to marry me since he has to finish his PhD. I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. I don’t mind to elope with Ravin. But he is not ready for that.

`Ravin aiya, I need to start a life with you. You have to marry me soon otherwise my parents will give me in marriage to Susara as it is already fixed’.

`No darling don’t do that. Give me little time I’ll settle everything. Don’t worry I will marry you after I have settled everything.’

04 March -2003

I got Ravin’s text in the morning as usual. He is getting ready for his exam. His text reads `Darling Menu, I am getting ready for my exam. I’ll leave Colombo tomorrow for Kandy to study with my friends. I will be back in another two months’.

10 May -2003

My parents have fixed my marriage with Susara. They have matched horoscopes and done all necessary arrangements. I too have to prepare for my marriage with Susara as I have no other option. I called Ravin but his mobile is switched off. I have no way to contact him. He must be busy with studies. What to do, I have no way to let him know that I am getting married next week. He will go crazy when he hear that I am already married when he is back in Colombo after his exam. I am helpless. I love Ravin, but the marriage is fixed between me and Susara.

20 May -2003

Tomorrow is my wedding. Butterflies are in the stomach. I am a bit nervous. I couldn’t contact Ravin. I am lost between two worlds. Any way this will be the last page I am going to write in this dairy. I have to tear and throw the pages of this diary in case Susara sees those things what I have done he will suspect me and I won’t be able to lead a good marriage life. Any way I have made my mind to marry Susara.

21 May at 3.30 am -2003

I am very sad to tear off pages of this diary. However my past was on those pages. I don’t know why am I writing this bit because in the next moment I will tear this page as well. Before tearing off I thought of writing down my last words........Good bye Ravin....This is the end of our love..........