Missing pages of a diary

Found by Panchamee Hewavissenti

January 20 - 2000

Today’s my father’s ninth death anniversary. My mother organised an alms-giving ceremony at home. Uncle Suranga was also present at the occasion, extending every assistance. After a busy day and supporting us in many ways, he just left here for his house. Uncle Suranga is a great help for us since we don’t have a brother or any other at home to rush hither and thither at such occasions.

January 21 - 2000

Uncle Suranga was at home when I returned home after school. He’s back in the country after five years working in the Seychelles. I have a quite good memory of him. I remember he was a regular visitor at our place after my father’s demise, helping my mother.

My mother seems to be very happy because uncle Suranga is back in Sri Lanka and she will not feel lonely. Uncle’s not changed. He still looks young. Though he is in his early forties he looks a thirty-year-old bachelor. Though my mother is five years younger to him, she looks older than him.

February 01 - 2000

Uncle Suranga went to India. Both my mother and I miss him a lot. Apart from my mother’s he has become closer to my life as well.

February 16 - 2000

Uncle Suranga is back in the country after his two weeks business visit. I expected him to come home direct from the airport. But he didn’t come to our place today. My mother said that he will definitely come tomorrow.

February 17 - 2000

Uncle Suranga came today. I was happier than my mother after receiving gifts from him.

March 30 - 2000

I am getting ready for my O/Ls. Uncle Suranga bought me all past papers, books and some extra reading material.

Uncle Suranga has become the key person in our family. Since my father is dead he plays the fatherly role. My mother too appears to be very happy than ever.

Uncle Suranga fills the void in my life. He makes me feel that he is my own father. He treats me as if I am his own daughter. Now I don’t miss my father.

I remember how I yearned for a father’s love which I have been deprived of for nine years. I was too small to feel my late father’s love. I am big enough now. As a teenage girl, this is the time I need father’s love, care and protection most. I thought I would never be able to receive father’s love and protection in my life. I used to sigh when I saw my friends enjoying fathers’ company and how they valued and enjoyed fathers’ protection and love.

That’s unique, I mean a father’s love. I have no words to express how I yearned for it and how I suffered without it since my father’s death. I often used to sing Deepika Priyadarshani’s “Pithu senehe pidu Piyeku nomethi lova doo daruwan hinehi athido/ Unge hitha rendi thaniya makannata movunata kavada heki vedo”.

How true it was for me those days. I could hardly be happy because I knew that I have lost the most important thing in my life. Though my mother tried to play a father’s role, she utterly failed.

She didn’t let me feel lonely. She tried her best to console me. But only a daughter who is afflicted by a father’s death knows how difficult it is to make her mind to live without the father. A father’s love is most felt by a daughter, when she loses it.... she feels she has lost the whole world.

My father would never come. I made up my mind. In a dream, I saw a fairy who said she would grant me anything I asked for. I, with one accord asked her to bring my father back to me. Most of the time I enjoyed my father’s love in dreams. Yes, just a dream... my father was not there beside me touching my head when I got up from sleep. I thought I would never be able to feel that unique sensation....What to do? That’s my fate ...

April 01 - 2000

I couldn’t believe it when my mother said that Uncle Suranga is my biological father. I thought it’s an April fools day joke.

“Senali, don’t call him uncle”.

“Why?” I didn’t ask that question, I understood the reason why she doesn’t want me to call him uncle.

“Ammi shall I call him Appachchi?”

She nodded in a smiling face. Uncle did unwind their love story.

“You’re big enough to understand this. Senali duwa, we don’t want to cover up this.”

I was anxiously lending my ears to Uncle Suranga.

“Senali, little daughter, I am your father. Yes, your own father”. I was petrified with astonishment. With a smile, he drew me much closer to him. My mother was looking at us with a smile full of joy. Uncle continued.

“Duwa, your grandparents didn’t like me because I am a non- Buddhist. But we wanted to get married. Our affair went a long way and we couldn’t forget each other. I got everything prepared for the marriage but your grandparents made the first move. They got your mother married to a person who is fifteen years elder than your mother, that’s your father.But daughter, by that time your mother was two months pregnant.”

Uncle drew a long breath and looked at my mother. She put her right hand on his shoulder.

“Duwa, I couldn’t forget your mother. I underwent a tremendous pain having lost the one I loved”. He swiftly nodded his head sideways.

“After you’re born I yearned to look at my child’s face, but unfortunately, being the father of the child I didn’t get an opportunity to see the child. But some other person took the possession of my child and became a father to her”.

My parents’ love story had been a tragedy.

April 02 - 2000

I am exhilarated that God gifted me something that I yearned for, also which I thought I would never be blessed with. I have no words to express my overwhelmed happiness. Can I believe that I am going to enjoy father’s company, that unique love, care and protection?....Oh God...I never thought that you’re so powerful! Thanks God, you answered my prayer, my constant grumble and crave for a father..Thanks...

April 14 - 2000

Today’s Sinhala-Hindu New Year. I inquired from my mother why Appachchi didn’t turn up to celebrate the new year with us.

“He has to be with his family”.

“This is his family Ammi, you’re his wife and I’m his daughter”.

“No Duwa,he has another family. He had two sons and a daughter”.

“What?” My joy of having a father disappeared on hearing that he has another family. What to do? That’s not his fault. After his girlfriend was given in marriage to someone, he can’t destroy his life because of that. He is innocent.

June 17 - 2000

Today’s the opening ceremony of Appachchi’s newly set up software company. Neither my mother nor I turned up at the function though we were invited. Because his other family was present. I think the function went quite smoothly. Appachchi called in the evening and grumbled that none of us were present. How can we go there?

How can we see Appachchi’s being introduced as so and so’s husband and the father of two sons and a daughter. If I were to be at the function, certainly I would get hurt. My selfish feelings say that Appachchi should only belong to me and my mother. Does it sound absurd?

28 December 2000

Oh...I feel a sense of relief as if I have put down a heavy burden which I have been carrying on my head. Today’s the end of my O/L exam. Appachchi came home in the evening. He told Ammi that he would take me to his office tomorrow. Ammi didn’t object to it.

29 December 2000

“I would take you as my secretary, ok. I would love to have this sweet sixteen-year-old secretary.” Appachchi said in jest.

“Common Appachchi, I’m your daughter” I joined Appachchi’s laugh.

That place seemed to be ok. Whatever it is, that’s my Appachchi’s own place. It’s my father’s company. I like the place.

I’ll go to work from next week.

January 04 - 2001

First day at work.

My table was near Appachchi’s. He just let me browse the internet and do whatever I wanted. After lunch he called me to come closer to him and took both my hands and said. “ Chuti Duwa, no one knows that you’re my own daughter. Please Chuti Duwa don’t tell that to anyone. It’s not good for Appachchi because Appachchi is the boss here”.

I nodded in agreement. Suddenly Appachchi’s Marketing Manager entered the room and on seeing that Appachchi was holding my hand quickly turned and went out of the room.

January 10 - 2001

I have no chance to move with Appachchi’s employees since I work inside his room. Today Ashanthi came inside and talked to me. Appachchi had gone out that time.

January 20 - 2001

Ashanthi is my best friend at work. She shares everything with me.

January 26 - 2001

Appachchi went to Kandy for some official work. Ashanthi came inside the room after lunch. I was shocked to hear what she said.

“Senali, don’t get me wrong, but I have to tell you this”

“What?”

“Do you have an affair with the boss?”

I laughed out loud. It seemed to me a grotesque.

“Ashanthi, boss is my father”. Though I prepared to tell that, I soon remembered what Appachchi told me. “Don’t tell this to anyone Chuti Duwa,because I’m the boss here”.

I tried to be quiet but couldn’t stop my laughter.

“Senali, this is not a joke, Marketing Manager has seen you both holding hands inside this room. It has spread like a wildfire. You know Senali what people think about bosses and their secretaries. Don’t you?”.

“Oh I see, is that the case?” I still can’t stop my laughter.

May 25 - 2001

Today the O/L results were out. I’ve got ten Ds. Appachchi seemed to be the happiest of all. He hugged and gave me a kiss on my forehead.

Like the first day one of Appachchi’s peons came in and turned back on seeing that.

Appachchi took my mother and I to a grand restaurant for dinner and bought me some gifts for doing the exam well.

June 2 - 2001

Appachchi was not at office. Ashanthi as usual crept inside the room.

“Senali, I want to tell you something.”

“I know what you’re going to tell me. Are you going to ask whether I have an affair with the boss?”

“Aaa, that’s true then. Are you mad Senali? You have to think of your character. Boss is married and having children”.

“Ok, ok, I’m concerned about my character more than anyone else. I don’t misbehave.” I told Ashanthi without even looking at her doing some work on the computer.

“Don’t try to fool me Senali, Nishantha has recently seen you both kissing inside the room”.

“Ok, ok Ashanthi I’m busy now, I’ll talk to you later”.

June 05 - 2001

I told Appachchi that people have misunderstood our relationship.

“I know Chuti Duwa, I know people gossip about us. But how can I tell them that you’re my own daughter. Let them think whatever they want. Don’t bother about them. You’re safe here with Appachchi.” Appachchi touched my head.

“No Appachchi, don’t touch me. If someone sees, he might narrate a story.” Appachchi swiftly took his hand off my head.

March 03 - 2006

Appachchi prepared to give me in marriage to a young man. It’s Appachchi’s best friend’s son. He’s an engineer.

May 02 - 2006

Rehan is coming to see me tomorrow. I am a bit nervous.

May 03 - 2006

Rehan is very handsome. Appachchi introduced our family to theirs.

“This is my friend’s daughter. My friend died fifteen years ago. Mother has brought up this girl nicely. She is a very good girl. She’s been working with me on and off. She did her exams well. She is selected to the university, so her mother, my friend’s wife Nirangani wants to give her in marriage and pursue her higher studies after marriage”.

This is not the way I expected to be introduced by Appachchi. I ran to the room and fell on bed. Appachchi came to my room and hugged me tight.

“My Chuti Duwa, listen. I know you’re hurt. I know you need me to introduce you as my own daughter. How can I tell the truth to the world darling. Then there’ll be hell a lot of problems. I’m married and if my wife gets to know that there’ll be lot of unnecessary problems”.

“Good” I said, wiping tears. “If there’ll be problems in your family life Appachchi can marry Ammi and then I can tell everyone that you’re my father. Then I don’t need to hide that you’re my father”.

“I understand your feeling Chuti Duwa, I know you need to tell everyone that I’m your daughter”.

“Yes, Appachchi I need to tell everyone. I don’t like if anyone says that I’m a fatherless girl. Appachchi, please can you marry Ammi and legally become my father?”.

“Chuti Duwa, I have three children. I don’t want them to be fatherless. I have a daughter as well. If I divorce my wife, my children will not have a father. It will affect my daughter’s marriage”.

“You’re very selfish Appachchi. You only think of that wife and three children. You never think of me”.

“Darling only your mother, you and I know about our relationship. World thinks that you’re a daughter of your late father. People know that your father is dead. I have to think of my little ones darling. Please understand darling, please. I will be there for you rest of your life as your Appachchi.”

May 16 -2006

Appachchi is the main person arranging my wedding. He has done everything. He is going to give a dowry as well. Everything is from his account.

Appachchi came to my room.

“Chuti duwa, I want to make a request?”

“What’s that Appachchi?”

“You have to keep our relationship as a secret. Don’t even tell this to your husband. It will only create problems”.

I kept my head on Appachchi’s chest to feel his warmth. Ammi was beside us.

“Chuti Duwa, will you keep this as a secret?”

Appachchi ran his fingers through my head.

“Ok Appachchi, I will keep this a secret forever.”

“Can you promise me darling?”

“Yes Appachchi. I will promise you”.