Stan: Dave, what would happen if you eat the Christmas decorations?

Dave: You get tinsel-itus.

***

Ned: Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?

Mum: No, you can have turkey like everyone else.

***

Did you hear about Dracula's Christmas party?

It was a scream!

***

Did you hear about the man who went to the fancy dress party as a bone?

A dog ate him in the hall.

***

How are UFOs related to hamburgers?

Both are Unidentified Frying Objects!

***

How do you make a cheeseburger sad?

Make it with blue cheese!

***

How do they prevent crime in hamburger country?

Did you hear about the fool who found a feather in his bed?

He thought he had chicken pox.

***

Did you hear about the man who heard a mouse squeaking one night?

He got up to oil it!

***

Did you hear about the man who plugged his electric blanket into the toaster?

He kept popping out of bed all night!

***

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I walk in my sleep.

Doctor: Remember to take money for the bus, then.

***

How can you shorten a bed?

Don't sleep long on it.

***

When is it proper to go to bed with your shoes on?

When you're a horse.

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I'm always dreaming about cricket.

Doctor: Don't you ever dream about anything else?

Patient: What? And miss my innings?

***

Boss: Why are you late for work?

Employee: There are eight of us in the family, but the alarm clock was set for seven.

***

Sally: Why did your brother throw away his alarm clock?

Nelly: It kept going off when he was asleep.

***

Why did the fool take a tape measure to bed with him?

To see how long he slept.

***

Why did the man climb on to the chandeliar?

Because he was a light sleeper.