Friends and law of attraction

The venue was John de Silva Memorial Theatre, Colombo 7. The date was December 15. Many actors, dancers, musicians, authors and painters were making a beeline to the venue. They had come from far away places such as Jaffna, Mannar, Nuwara Eliya, Dickwella and Moneragala to take part in the annual Kalabhushana Award Ceremony organised jointly by the Ministry of Culture and National Heritage, the Department of Cultural Affairs, the Department of Hindu Affairs and the Department of Muslim Affairs.

The Kalabhushana felicitation award ceremony was one of the best organised State events in recent times. Although more than 1,000 people had gathered, the organisers had seen to that nothing went wrong. So, they deserve a bouquet for their excellent organisational skills.

The foregoing brief preamble to this week's column was necessary because of a certain event that took place outside the John de Silva Memorial Theatre. When I stepped out of the auditorium after receiving my Kalabhushana award, one of my friends - Chelvatamby Maniccavasagar - was waiting to receive me with a beautiful garland. Such kind and thoughtful gestures are very rare in our country. Our friends and well-wishers fail to attend any of our functions. Some of them give telephone calls or send telegrams. True friends, of course, make it a point to be with us on our happy occasions.

Friendship is different from comradeship, which is somewhat trivial and less complete. You meet your comrades in union or party offices. They are not your real friends. According to La Rochefoucauld, "Friendship is only social intercourse, an exchange of favours and good offices; it comes down to a commercial dealing in which self-esteem always expects to profit." Some people approach us in a friendly way when they want us to do them a service. However, after the service has been rendered, they drop us like a hot brick.

Real friendship takes for granted a surer choice. Even real friends may not be able to devote themselves to those whom they respect all the time. If you are a real friend, you will not be jealous of your friend's achievements. However, instead of imitating the virtues of a noble character, some people fear the opinions of a mind that is too lucid and prefer to be friends with someone less exacting.

If you hate men and are disgusted with mankind, you will never make friends. With all their human frailties, there are a few great minds, noble souls, and delightful personalities whom you can turn to for advice or inspiration. Therefore, do not drop a friend simply because he has a minor weakness. You rarely find flat characters who are completely good or bad. Almost all human beings have flaws in their characters, it is rather inhuman to look for people who are perfect in every way. A weakness in somebody's character should not be a bar to developing a friendship.

Although friends should help each other and share their sad and happy moments, friendship should not come down to a commercial dealing, helping each other and sharing should come naturally. It is unimportant whether you remember or forget the favours received from friends. What is important is the spirit of friendship.

Mutual admiration is an essential attribute of friendship. This does not mean that you should not criticise your friends when they do something wrong. True friends welcome criticism from others. Genuine criticism shows sincerity. For instance, there had been great friendships between writers.

True friendship implies full confidence. Carl Jung once said that one of the objects of friendship is to reintegrate secret thoughts and feelings with ordinary social intercourse. On the other hand, friendship also implies a vow. That means, you cannot have conditions in a friendship, so we have the saying, "Once friends, always friends."

It is often said that we have too many friends when we prosper in life. Apart from such fair weather friends, true friends stick to us in times of adversity. For instance, when the poet P. B. Shelley was poor and unknown, he had more friends than the triumphant Lord Byron.

Those who come to help in times of need have a great nobility of soul and they have no trace of self-interest.

A certain amount of faith is necessary for the preservation of friendship. When you choose your friends carefully, try to understand them and stick to them. Remember that friends are different from your parents, teachers and employers. You had no role in choosing the latter. They were more or less thrust on you. But friends are different from them because of the law of attraction.

Looked at from a sociological point of view, peer group interaction ususally leads to the formation of friendships which can become quite intimate. As children we had 'best friends' who shared our secrets, jokes and feelings. But these friends fight, break up and reunite in different circumstances. Friendship is an ubiquitous institution which finds no regulation in modern societies. This might have prompted the leading sociologist and philosopher Max Scheler to say, "My friend may betray me, but friendship lasts for ever."

Folk wisdom tells us that birds of a feather flock together. However, we are also aware of the saying, "Opposites attract". Social psychologists have come up with a clear verdict regarding which of the two statements is correct. We assume that those with similar attitudes will evaluate us positively. In addition, when you like someone else that person will like you in return.

Finally, what kind of qualities are most valued in friendship? In a questionnaire answered by some 40,000 respondents, in the United States the following qualities were identified as most valued in friendship: the ability to keep confidences, loyalty, warmth, affection, supportiveness, frankness and a sense of humour.