Agni Chakra (Chapter 7)

By Kethleen JAYAWARDENA

Translated by Ranga Chandrarathne and Edited by Indeewara Thilakarathne

I attempted to recall the name of the famous writer who said: "The oldest decade of youth is the forties and youngest decade of old age is the fifties". However hard I tried, I could not recall it. Is this simply forgetfulness or "senile moments" due to my age? Whichever, I am passing through the youngest decade of old age. So it couldn't be the result of the body waning due to over activity in my bodily organs.

I frequently recall Sigmund Freud's saying "a nervous breakdown is a disease and impotency adversely affects it above all else ". Whenever I recall this, I get into a state of perplexity. What is this imbalance I feel physically and mentally? Is it the 'touching sensation' I identify as bliss or the feeling of gradually waning away? Did this feeling of waning away intensify since I commenced my affair with Sitara?

I consider that the fear of losing one's feelings and sensations is second only to death. Therefore, I prefer not to think of my body decaying. As much as I attempt to forget, intense fear possess me.

I feel curious when I see Shantha fast asleep in the middle of the night. Her ability to fall asleep as soon as she plunges into the bed could be interpreted as either 'merit' or 'luck'.

My tossing and turning from one side of the bed to the other, covering and uncovering myself with the sheet would often end in my walking to the study as though in a dream. I tiptoed from the bed thinking that it would disturb Shantha's deep sleep. Yet she would sense it as if by a sixth sense.

"Why aren't you asleep?"

"I have forgotten to do something; I'll sleep after I've done it"

"Shall I make you a cup of coffee?"

Though she offered to make coffee, her eyes and tone betrayed her sleepiness. When I reached the door and looked back, I could see that she had plunged into a snooze again.

One cold night, rainy night, while I was walking through the corridor to the study, I accidentally caught my leg on something like a rope-mat. I almost fell down. When I switched on the light, I saw Senthamarai lying there sleeping like a rat.

"Why are you here?

"Madam told me to..."

"What did she tell you?"

"She told me to sleep here as the rain is pouring into the store room."

"What a hell is this ?" I asked myself angrily. My anger was directed not at Senthamarai but Shantha. As though sensing the malice, Senthamarai hurriedly got up. She was wearing Shantha's housecoat because of the weather. As her shoulders opened out, the upper part of her body was exposed.

I can hardly put into words the strange sensation that passed from my eyes to the brain. I felt as if an enchanting fragrance was encircling me. For a moment I was astounded. Senthamarai's sharp eyes continued to flash before mine.

"Um... um... Then sleep."

I turned back having switched off the light. Unintentionally I had returned to the bedroom. Though it was cold, I felt warmth circling me. While lying on the bed I thought about how my feet, which were directed towards the study, had suddenly stopped. I felt my body heating up. For a moment, I felt an immense sense of relief.

The sensations did not leave me.

As I turned to a side of the bed, I noticed Shantha's slightly protruding belly. Though I could not see her breathing pattern, I could sense it. I looked at her with a great sense of relief from a fear which was only second to death. Soon I fell into a deep sleep.

After that, everything happened subconsciously without any direct involvement, though I could not tell they had happened subconsciously. The following morning which happened to be a Sunday, Senthamarai was trying to pry a branch of the Lovi tree with a broomstick. I sneaked in on the pretext of opening the letter box on the gate, showed her the hook of the box and signalled to ask whether she wanted it. She smiled with her eyes twinkling. I showed her a couple of fruits. She showed me her palm. I tickled her palm with the tip of my index finger. She looked at me. Her smile gradually turned into a coyness. My finger tips continuously and aimlessly walked through her palm and between her fingers. Suddenly as though she had woken from a dream, she ran back with a coy smile.

When I got into the bathroom, I was tormented by contradictory thoughts. Over and over again, I reflected on the coyness in Senthamarai's smile when she left me. I felt that her immature body and organs surpassed mature ones in beauty. Though it was a dirty feeling, it was only fleeting. No brief thought is immoral. It only becomes wrong when it turns into actions.

I had no doubt that Senthamarai was blossoming like a flower bud in the sunlight. Could this be an antidote to my physical and mental depression though? How logical it would be not to carry out such an experiment?

As she was pregnant, Shantha had experienced various difficulties during the past few days. At times I thought, when Shantha was continuously suffering from morning sickness, that it is not women alone who suffer in this cycle of life and death. She could not have any meals other than liquids, such as lemon juice.

I was convinced that western medicine could not offer her immediate relief from the agonising condition, although two specialists had been consulted. We could only wait for time to settle the problem.

Though my health was not good, I couldn't attend to it due to Shantha's pathetic state of health.

The new found interest in Senthamarai had deprived me of my ability to speak about her in front of Shantha. My heart sank when I noticed that Shantha cared for Senthamarai.

She paddled the sewing machine with swollen legs to make a dress for Senthamarai. Shantha did not bother when I told her several times that she shouldn't do it.

"See this girl's ears without ear-rings. Let us buy a pair of ear-rings for her at New Year" Shantha said. I kept silent.

"She's put two karapincha sticks in her ears"

"Who's got money to buy jewellery? "I responded with feigned unpleasantness.

"When I asked her what you would like to have for the New Year, she asked for a doll! Poor girl!"

I felt as though my heart would burst into pieces and thought I was a rascal. Is it an individual to be blamed? Is it his organs? Or nature?

We often lay charges at people's feet, instead of blaming nature.

Footnote

karapincha sticks-clausena indica (belonging to rutaceae family)

Lovi tree- flacourtia inermis (belonging to flacour tiaceae family)