Working yourself to death: Is it worth your life?

By Lionel Wijesiri

On the seventh day, even God rested. However, for some people such as T.J., the day of rest never comes. There is always one more email to read, one more phone call to take, one more critically important trip to the office that can’t wait until Monday. If you ask him, “Hey T.J., this is a long weekend. Any plans?”, the answer is the same: “You guys are humbugs... I have a lot of work to do. Maybe, next month.”

However, Clarence who works in the same company, has learned that the problems that pop up when he’s away from the office will still be there when he gets back, and that what happens in the office stays in the office. “I’m not the sort of person to bring home problems,” he says, “and I don’t dwell on issues. I get a pretty good night’s sleep.”

Work-addicted people eventually become stressed and are exposed to physical and mental ailments

Not every workaholic, however, has achieved the balance that Clarence has found.

When I met T.J. recently, he told me, “Whether I’m working on a costing exercise on my iPad while waiting for my number to be called at a hospital, checking email on my phone, waiting at the store cashier’s queue or heading back to my computer, I’m always checking something. I don’t know what these guys are doing at the office, warming their seats. I have to do everything myself”.

Culture

In a culture that prizes work ethics, over-achievement and financial success – where multi-billionaires such as Warren Buffett and Bill Gates are household names, and Donald Trump has his own television show - people who are addicted to working are seen by outsiders as smart, ambitious and entrepreneurial. The system is almost built to reinforce workaholics.

Those are the people who end up getting positive job evaluations, get opportunities for promotions and see themselves getting bonuses or raises. It’s almost like the system has a built-in model to give them free hits of what they’re addicted to.

When Gayathri took her three children for their school’s annual prize-giving last month, her husband Eric was conspicuously absent. A jack of many trades, Eric routinely logged 100-hour weeks working as an insurance agent, freelance real estate agent, property broker and investment adviser.

On that particular Saturday, when his child’s prize-giving ceremony was held, his day started at 6.30 am and ended at 9.30.pm. Gayathri’s situation is all too common. Marriages involving workaholics are twice as likely to end in divorce, according to a prominent lawyer specialising in divorces. Luckily, Gayathri and Eric are beating the odds - they are still together after 10 years, but those long hours have taken their toll. The lawyer said, “Money is good, but the distraction is not. Couples stop growing together. When one person is always working, they’re not nurturing the relationship anymore”.

Work obsession

Workaholism is a soul-destroying addiction that changes people’s personality and the values they live by. It distorts the reality of each family member, threatens family security and often leads to family break-ups. Tragically, workaholics eventually suffer the loss of personal and professional integrity.

Of course, work is essential for our well-being, and integral to our identity. We suffer profound emotional distress when we lose a job, or cannot do our work for whatever reason. The alarming number of employees on prolonged stress leave is evidence that physical and psychological health do break down, especially during these days when workaholic bosses or organisations place unreasonable demands on their staff. One does not have to have a paid job. Many housewives and students suffer from this serious affliction.

“What is the difference between a hard worker and a workaholic?” is a frequently asked question. A hard worker who is emotionally present for all family members, co-workers and friends, and who manages to maintain a healthy balance between work and personal responsibility is not a workaholic. Any periodic burst of overworking to meet an important deadline or an emergency situation needs to be purposely followed by a reduced schedule or days off to restore depleted resources.

Making a resolution to save at least 25 percent of your energy to bring home every night, and “putting a fence” around your weekends to protect yourself from temptations are both good ideas!

Workaholics, in contrast, lack this wisdom. They are obsessed with their work performance and hooked on an adrenalin-high. Bent on self-aggrandizement, these ego-driven folks reach one goal, and immediately set another more ambitious one. Staying at the same level of accomplishment is considered a failure.

Panic attacks

Workaholics walk fast, talk fast, eat fast and over-schedule. While still relatively healthy, they can multi-task, but their diversionary tactics and eventual lack of focus often signal performance-anxiety as growing internal chaos causes them to try to control every action, and everyone around them. They must do things their short-sighted myopic way, and refuse to delegate because “others will not do as good a job.” As the breakdown progresses, conscious and unconscious stress causes them to suffer panic attacks, claustrophobia, depression and acute sleep disturbance.

Many workaholics are forced too quickly into adult responsibilities because of situational circumstances such as a parent’s illness, a death in the family or separation of the parents. Others come from families where there is a doing-performance-oriented value system where conditional love is granted if the child exceeds expectations, and makes the family proud. They are often the “good kid” who does well at school, excels at sports and doesn’t cause much trouble.

A working mother often brings home a part of her work and experiences difficulty in balancing the family and work

Although workaholics rarely acknowledge their own angry outbursts, when deep anger does surface to consciousness, one of its sources is reported to be the fact that these overly responsible adults never had a carefree childhood.

Some become the Mr. Nice Guy or Gal, the passive-aggressive “pleaser” who can’t say “No”, who desperately wants to be admired and liked, and will do almost anything to gain accolades from the boss and fellow workers. Their persona, how they want to be viewed by others, is carefully crafted. However, ego boundaries are hopelessly blurred because the Self, the “being-feeling” side of their personality, is seriously repressed.

Hints

If you have to live with a workaholic, what should you do? A few suggestions might help:

* Try to understand his/her job

It helps to understand as much as you can about your spouse’s work and why he/she gets so much satisfaction from it.

The more you know, the less resentful you’ll be. You’ll also be a better sounding board when your partner needs to vent or seek encouragement. (Workaholics should understand their partners’ joys and pressures, too.)

* Prioritise social events

This one requires brutal honesty. While there may be 20 social events you’d like your spouse to attend, decide which ones are truly the most important and try for those.

* Don’t nag

No one likes a pest, and being accusatory is particularly dangerous. Instead, frame requests for more time and attention in positive terms. Use “soft terms” such as “I feel lonely” or “It hurts my feelings when you say you are going to come home at a certain time, but really come home three hours later without calling.” Avoid dark pronouncements such as, “You don’t even care about your family” or “You are so selfish”. They only poison the well.

* Put the focus back on yourself

No matter how logically and doggedly you make your case, changing people isn’t really an option. In the end, you just have to hope they realise how damaging their overworking has become and decide to pare it back.

In the meantime, take a protective step, “What do I need to be sane if my husband or wife is unavailable to me?” Having hobbies or other personal passions helps. This isn’t selfishness - it’s survival.

* Last resort: Therapy

If none of these strategies help to break your spouse’s workaholic cycle, seek professional help. As with any addiction, getting to the root of the problem is what counts.