Preserve marriage to save civilisation

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance. The wise grows it under his feet.
- James Oppenheim

Most of us depend for a very good deal of our happiness or misery on circumstances beyond human control. A right to happiness does not make much more sense than a right to be six feet tall or to have a millionaire for your father or to get good weather whenever you want to have a picnic.

Do we have a right to happiness? If so we will be able to pursue it by any means, including murder, rape, robbery or fraud. Those who commit such crimes seem to think that they have a right to commit them to achieve happiness. If everybody adheres to such a principle, no country will be safe to live in.

John M. Gottman: A happy marriage is not simply “chemistry” but how the partners handle conflict.

Although a country’s Constitution may authorise the people to pursue happiness without any hindrance, they have to abide by the laws passed by the legislature and those of nature. Such laws exert certain limitations on the right to happiness of the individual.

Marriage

The concept of happiness comes into play mostly in marriage. Some men and women get married not to produce children but to enjoy sexual happiness. They may produce children after some time but it is not the prime aim of marriage. However, happiness in marriage has to be maintained with great effort. After childbirth women lose much of their good looks and some men wonder whether they have a right to pursue sexual desires outside marriage.

Women by nature are monogamous but most men have polygamous tendencies. Women prefer to remain monogamous because it is a biological necessity. On the other hand, they have to look after their husbands and children. If any woman decides to have an extramarital affair, she is bound to face many household problems. However, in the West where sexual promiscuity is more the rule than the exception, women very often become the victims than culprits.

After marriage most women know how to hold on to a man despite their constant battle against ageing. A redeeming factor in their character is that most married women are not worried about their husbands’ looks. This attitude places women in a queer situation. For instance, some husbands may think that they still look handsome despite their age.

Promiscuity

If men carry their right to happiness in sexual matters to extremes, it will strike a fatal blow to the institution of marriageitself. Although scientific, medical and technological advances have extended our lifespan, it would be dangerous to allow men to enjoy sex outside marriage. Western countries with all their advances are fast becoming partners of a decadent civilisation because they have failed to safeguard the institution of marriage from the evil of promiscuity.

Why men are more promiscuous than women is an interesting area for psychologists. According to Oliver and Hyde, in the sexual domain, a meta-analysis has found that men have more permissive attitudes than women. They say most men prefer to have casual, premarital and extramarital sex in various stages in their lives. In a survey of college students in the United States, 84 percent of the men reported having had sexual relationships without any emotional involvement. However, only 42 percent of the women had done so.

Research says that many men are confused as far as feelings of intimacy and sex are concerned. If a man experiences strong emotions of connectedness towards a woman, he is likely to interpret them as sexual feelings. This confusion can lead to many unhealthy consequences. For instance, sex may be the only way some men can allow themselves to feel intimately connected to women. This shows that men’s interest in sex may be driven by strong needs for emotional intimacy. Sometimes, a man will misinterpret a woman’s friendly touch as an invitation to sex.

Conflict

As far as marriage is concerned, all of us want to live happily. According to the celebrated psychologist John M. Gottman, a happy marriage is not simply “chemistry” but how the partners handle conflict. He says that happily married couples are not smarter, richer or more psychologically astute than others. But in their day-to-day lives, they have hit upon a dynamic that keeps their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming the positive ones.

Although family ties are deep rooted in the East, the infiltration of western value systems has eaten into the very fabric of marriage. This is evident in the escalating number of divorce cases among the young. While husbands and wives of the older generation celebrate their silver and golden jubilees, most young couples fail to live together even for a couple of years.

The fault appears to lie not in the age or stars but the way they look at life. If we fail to sustain the institution of marriage, modern civilisation is doomed to collapse like a pack of cards.