Jokes that dazzle a dry day

Not finding anything to laugh at, I tried to find some jokes I do not say they are the best jokes in the world but they all came together in one or two pages in a digest that saved me the toil of hunting for them in a vast area. So try to laugh, if you can. Otherwise just give up.

Overheard in an air plane flying between two Asian countries as the stewardess makes this announcement, “Today’s fright time is two and half hours”. She could not have been a Sri Lankan, in the context of our high standards of spoken English.

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And this is about two men who lived in the cannibalistic age when they thought nothing of putting a victim into a large pot and boiling him to a certain ordained degree while the fiery flames danced around in the thick of the African forest coverage. The victims themselves belonged to the species of the White adventurers who suffered from the idea that God has given them the whole world to explore and then educate preferably in English.

This time a world-famed comedian had fallen off a plane and now was ready for the sizzling pot. One cannibal says to the other, "You may find the taste funny for every time he opened his mouth he used to utter funny things. That was his vocation”.

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And then this. A good Samaritan (a sort of do-gooder) found a boy stacking hay out of a cart in the hot sun. “Quit it, boy” he advised.” You can resume it later. My house is just close by. Let us relax and have a drink”.

The boy accepted the invitation but seemed uneasy as he sipped his drink.

“What is the matter? You can always attend to the hay later”.

“But my father is under that stack after the hay cart toppled.” replied the boy. Again wickedly funny or funnily wicked.

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A comedian on the phrase, "Undisputed heavy weight champion.”

“If so undisputed why go into all that bother of fighting for it?”

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A visitor to Japan was so much enamoured of Japan that he asked his host how to say “Thank you” in Japanese. “Arigato” he was told.

But he forgot the word and could only remember his host saying the word would be remembered if he thought of an alligator. He shocked many after this when he began shouting, "Alligator” in the aftermath of many a good deed that seethed all over this Land of the Cherry Blossoms. The Japanese are all up to some good deed or other, while nature however breaks wind on the land very often.

Since the stock of jokes has started running dry, I will fill up the rest by reciting the responses of animals to “Shooting sessions”. These too lend themselves to a rather jocose flavour or maybe I am deluded into thinking so.

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My Galle pal, Nanda was very proud of her bitch, a sleek giantess of a canine who performed tricks. One was husking coconuts, a very toilsome task as it entailed ridding them of their messy fibre cover.

Nanda had got a TV crew to shoot the bitch performing this feat and had invited me too as an observer. Awaiting a chance to go to Galle, my favourite city, I went to her Hill Castle mansion where a crowd had already gathered to watch the proceedings. They had never seen a film crew in action let alone a bitch helping the mistress to relieve the kitchen drudgery ... Nanda was all agog preparing her pet for the show and the crew having come all the way from Colombo too bustled about.

Getting into action on cue from the crew she called out “Duwe, will you run to the heap of coconuts, bring one and husk it for me?”

The Balu Duwa (canine daughter) however just wagged her tail and her sexy posterior and stood there making the Colombo crew impatient.

“Now Duwe, I have to cook soon. Please will you bring the coconut?”

But the daughter just stretched her four feet and relaxed on the sprawling verandah of Hill House, Galle, which with passing time has been undertaken by undertakers. My friend almost wept and was about to recite the Bard’s lines,

“The best laid plans of mice and men often go astray,” when the crew utterly frustrated packed their bags and left. Their vehicle was taking the bend towards the main road when the perverse Duwa got up, shook her sexy self, brought a coconut and husked it neatly, a sight even an international channel would have coveted!

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About two weeks after this incident, I read a piece in the Readers Digest where a TV crew was invited to listen to a parrot rattling off. But the parrot chose not to open its mouth during the scheduled session and as the crew utterly played out packed its bags and began setting off home cursing under their breath, you could hear the parrot.

In local parlance this sort of misadventure is termed “gormandising on Parippu” - parippukanava. I am not sure of the origin of the term, unless it has some connection to the Parippu fall from skies following the JR - Rajiv Gandhi pact way back in the '80s.

Went on the parrot, “Good morning to you, good Sirs. Have a nice day. Sorry to have let you go off like that. Meet again somewhere.”

In distant Texas, word went round that every evening as the sun reddened the skies, the cattle of the mountain ranch nearby voluntarily formed themselves into a neat line and presented a breathtaking fantasia never to be forgotten. A TV crew sensitised to this event packed their bags and left for the ranch. Did they get their visuals to satisfy their audience? No. The cattle that day ran helter-skelter on the mountain ridges like lunatics making use of an open gate. The neat line had just liquidated.

Did I make you laugh or cry at the vagaries of animals and humans?

And did I joke? Don’t let humour die!

It just dazzles a dry day.