Getting old without becoming anxious

by Lionel Wijesiri

When I reached the seventieth Birthday a few months ago, one of my friends, who may be a few months 'older' than me wished me and smilingly added, "Welcome to the club, chum. You, too, have started the decent."

Reflecting his concerns about getting older that evening, I got to thinking about my own ageing process and how I feel about it. I think that, overall, I have an exceptionally healthy attitude to growing older. Although I don't think I am ready to grow old and I doubt very much that I ever will!

Age, to me, is truly just a number. I have friends from 18 to 80 years old. I enjoy the company of interesting people and age is not a factor in my choice of friends. People seem to enjoy my personality rather than my appearance although I would like to think that I look pretty good and I will not add 'for my age' as that seems patronising.

Considering the alternative, we should all look forward to old age. Instead, most of us dread it as a time of illness, poverty, mental incompetence and of waiting for death. We all know vital elderly people but so ingrained are certain myths that we feel these people are exceptions to the rule. The other day, a friend commented, "You remember my aunty Agnes: she is a wonder. Eighty nine and her mind is very clear as well." Why are we so surprised? Because we haven't kept up with the facts. The latest gerontological research shows that the vast majority of people are relatively healthy and happy into their seventies and eighties and more. A still larger number would enjoy old age if it were not for misconceptions they hold.

Combat Fear

If you have a fear of growing old, in my belief, this fear may stem from a number of factors.

Being undesirable. Most see fine lines and wrinkles and sagging skin, with a sense of negativity. These are linked with 'ugly'. This seems to apply to females more often than not, thanks to marketers. They spend billions in advertising every year to reinforce negativity in the notion looking old, so it leads to continual sales for their anti-aging products.

Sickness, pain, suffering. With old age comes increased probability of sickness, decreased physical ability, medical conditions such as dementia, heart disease, cancer, etc. These are seen to come hand in hand with pain and suffering.Being lesser than who they should be. All of us have goals and dreams. When you were younger, you would have consciously or unconsciously envisioned yourself being somewhere at a certain age. It may be to earn a lot of money, achieve a certain amount of success and have a family. Reaching a certain age reminds you of your visions, and simultaneously triggers the realization that they are not where they want to be. This realization can be quite painful for some.

Fear of Loss. Growing older comes with loss - seeing people pass away, losing what they have now, losing their youth, losing their health.

Being Alone. People see old people as a burden and they try to avoid them. For example, my grandmother is in her 90s and she has over ten children. When it comes to taking care of her, all of them try to shift responsibility from one another, giving reasons like they are too busy. Old age tends to bring solitude.

Death. Ultimately, what's the end of our physical existence? Death. People fear death. Death means losing everything we have. Everything we have built. It also means the end of our existence.

Coming to terms

You may be one of those who are scared of getting old. If so, just remember, you aren't the only person in this world growing older. Powerful leaders like Barack Obama are growing older. Celebrities like Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts are growing older. Your friends are growing older. People around you are growing older. So instead of paralyzing yourself with your fear, you might as well embrace it. Rather than fight it, accept that it's going to happen.

When you come to terms with this, your perspective shifts to a whole different level. Because now, you can concentrate on what's really actionable. Instead of thinking what you could have done before, think about what you can do now. Instead of investing time in things outside of your control, focus on what you can influence instead. Instead of living in an illusion, start living your life proper.

Way forward

If you are prepared to peer beyond the fearpsychosis, you will find that ageing, just like the rest of life, is a mixture of gains and losses. There are losses associated with every stage of our lives: we may long to be free of the tyranny of school or a job, for instance, but grieve over the loss of the structure they provide. Throughout the lifecycle, mourning is an essential human task, freeing up a space in which new qualities and experiences can develop.

Unfortunately, what is hidden in our culture are the gains associated with ageing. Most older people say they care far less what other people think of them. When the American poet May Sarton was asked why it was good to be old, she replied: "Because I am more myself than I have ever been." Most of the contentedolder people I interviewed say that they have learned to live life more fully, to savour it, and are better able to weather crises (though they still have crises, despite that other stereotype of ageing: serenity).

Perhaps the greatest aspersion committed against old people - and the one that most frightens the not-yet-old - is the belief that ageing causes us to leech vitality. Let's not neither get too optimistic or pessimistic here: most people find their energy levels changing as they age, and have to learn to pace themselves. But physical and psychic vitality, though they may be related, especially if you're fighting pain, are not the same thing. The idea that one's appetite for life automatically abates with the passing of the years is simply wrong. On the contrary, it often increases.We can revitalise ourselves at any age; we can go on learning and developing until our final breath. When I asked a 86-year-old woman why she volunteered, she replied succinctly: "Personal growth." Perhaps this is why they call it growing old.

"Owning" the ageing process instead of fighting it makes it easier to value our older selves, and reclaim - both individually and together - a sense of the contentedlifecycle. Without, falling back on glib mantras or slogans from the manual of positive thinking, I believe, there has never been a better time to age, to challenge the narrative of decline and age-denial and to celebrate longevity. Once we have freed ourselves of unfounded, counter-productive, even health-threatening myths about old age, we can help the elderly - and ourselves - to live creatively and richly and to stay actively involved throughout life.