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| Sunday, 8 December 2002 |
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Features |  |
| News Business Features Editorial
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Not happy ever after : Living each day well by Sirohmi Gunesekera It's the fairy tale that gives us wrong expectations, not that we adults are wrong. Who says we have to be good looking to get married? Who says happiness lies in marrying a rich prince?
Snow-white was pretty but why do we in Sri Lanka say "He is dark." and "She is fair."? If we go West, practically everyone in Sri Lanka will be considered "coloured". So let us not refer to anyone as "dark" or "fair' for beauty does not depend on colour alone. With the advent of television, there is a wrong emphasis on looking good, so much so that even the ruler of a country has to look good on posters and on T.V. In England, if you refer to anyone and say "He is fat" or "She is short", you will be told "Don't be sizist", referring to size (a bad word like being "racist"). So let's stop worrying and be comfortable without size and shape. So it's not what we look like that counts but what we are. What about what we have? Although money is important, it is our relationships with others that keep us happy and balanced. If a loved one dies, can any amount of money make up for the loss? So once again, having things is not as important as having caring people (if we are lucky,) getting to know oneself and having confidence to face the good and the bad that come our way. Storybooks tell us about romantic love but isn't there caring if she makes the cup of tea just the way he likes it and isn't there caring if he comes home early from work to be with her and perhaps help with the children? We adults have had encounters and perhaps love affairs which may or may not have ended happily. Don't memories help us to tide over sad times? Calling for help with serious problems Ms. Lakshmi Ratnayake, former vice chairperson of "Befrienders" International" B.I. (a worldwide organization to help those in distress) spoke of her 24 year association with "Sri Lanka Sumithrayo" SLS (the Sri Lankan branch of B.I.). She spoke of confidential and free befriending at the 10 centres of SLS in different parts of the country. She said that they handle marital problems, sexual problems (which Sri Lankans generally find difficult to discuss even with near and dear ones), family problems, problems in the workplace and in fact, any kind of problem, small or big, with causes distress. "We are not problem solvers. We are trained to listen and empathise with the caller. He or she can talk as long as he or she wants and perhaps sort out his or her feelings. Do call our 24-hour helpling 692909", She said. In a fast-paced world where people just don't have time for others, SLS is a haven where one can go for regular befriending. One can share thoughts of "He did me wrong" or "She said this and that" And one can leave behind hurt and pain to start a new life from tomorrow. Changing one's outlook The groups discussed different life situations in order to find out how to cope. A young couple fighting over who should stay home to look after baby, a mother controlling her adult daughter, a young professional being pressurized to marry, a mother emotionally holding onto a grown-up son, a mother wanting to enter a retirement home but her children afraid of what people will say, an old man fearing for his old age... the gamut of adult human problems was discussed briefly. Why? Because each one looks at another and thinks "If only I had what he/she has." The grass is always greener on the other side... the married are looking longingly at the carefree unmarried, the bachelor looks longingly from the outside on the picture of the apparently happy family etc. The reality is that no life situation guarantees happiness, whether married or not, whether one has a son or a daughter or not. One has to take the good with the bad and train oneself to be positive. Recognising and handling feelings Take a moment off your busy schedule and ask, yourself, "How do I feel?". Am I angry, hurt, feeling hopeless or bored? Let me be in tune with myself and admit my feelings honestly to myself. Then come acceptance; "I am neither very good or very bad. I am just different. I am an individual". Often our early life conditioning can make us feel that one does not deserve to be loved. It is important to tell oneself, " I can love and be loved. I have a right to be happy and to feel good". Then comes the fight inside each one of us.. "He has, she has... I don't have a husband, a boyfriend, a car, a microwave etc etc" No, no... let us think, "What do I have?" and let's try being satisfied. Most important... I HAVE A MIND.. I can think, I can choose... to fight the bad, sad feelings and enjoy what I can. I ALSO HAVE A HEART.... I can feel the newness of the morning, respond to a caring word or deed and I can even reach out and do something for someone and maybe I will feel good. Handling relationship, the major problem area It's a New Day... let me take a deep breath and think, "I have a sense of well-being. Now let me face others, taking the good and the bad, yet holding onto my own sense of well-being inside". If my mother/husband/wife/child upsets me.. let me sit and think of what I can do, my mind is my own. If he or she says, "you are dirty,ugly, untidy, bad..." Just grind your teeth. Do not speak in anger. (For hurtful things are often said). Take a walk, wash clothes, write out everything you feel (but don't show it) Hours, a day later, when you have cooled down, perhaps you could say, "Let's talk... Why did you say I am..." Please remember that "I am ME... and you are you. I look and feel good. No-one can take away my SELF-WORTH." It's evening.. let me take a deep breath and R-E-L-A-X. Tomorrow is a New Day. Even if there is a deep hurt... Let me cry, shout into or hit a pillow and get my feelings out without upsetting another. Then I can leave it all behind. For today is waiting to be LIVED, AND LIVED WELL. No I don't have to spend money and go dancing or shopping. Let me take time and enjoy... cooking, writing a letter, typing, whatever I have to do. If I want to... let me please my mother, wife or child. Living with others can be hard, but let me try to do my share... and go back inside my mind and heart TO MAKE EACH DAY REALLY WORTH LIVING. (From the Workshop "Making Life Really Worth Living" held at Holy Family Convent, Bambalapitiya recently). |
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