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| Sunday, 8 December 2002 |
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So the heads of straw and other raw materials rolled near the Tower and the commonfolk turned out in their numbers as they always do on such morbid occasions. And they dispersed,gossiping as they always do,until they reached their homes to roost for the night - but not before more gossip. That's what makes them common. Meanwhile,a controversy was brewing in the forest,some of its representatives at the Rolling of Heads having returned from the Tower to twilight cocktails. The issue was the holding of a beauty contest in the forest to choose Miss Forest and two runners-up. Furiously opposed by Tit, who led the opposition-naturally - and Moth, Cobweb and Peace Blossom who, for all their delicate looks are fiery Feminists,a delegation was despatched by Tit to Sherwood to canvass support among Robin O'the Hood's ranks. Leading the team was Flute the bellows mender who had strong lungs and was well known in the village for talking his head off from soap boxes.Their approach was to go through Maid Marion to see what she would have to say about such a beauty contest. Now, Marion is one of the most beautiful ladies in all the land - which is, of course why Robin took her away from the castle in the first place - and wields a lot of influence in the forest. When the delegation reached Robin's domains they were received with open arms and the blowing of hunting horns as a sign of welcome. Robin himself and his chief lieutenants were planning a highjack on the Bishop who was expected to pass that way at a certain time. They were ensconced high up in the branches of an oak tree, and when they saw my delegation arrive, Robin lightly jumped down from his perch and greeted the. 'To what do we owe this honour of a visit from the court of King Oberon?' he asked with a merry twinkle in his eye. 'Why, my noble lord of Huntingdon, to ask for the support of the noble Lady Marion against a beauty contest they are planning to be held in the forest to choose a Miss Forest who will then travel the length and breadth of the land dispensing her - charms - before being flown to the United Strates-beg pardon, sir, States-to participate in a World contest. We are vehemently against such contests which we feel lowers the status of women, and so we have arrived to crave the Lady Marion's attention to this cause,' said Flute with much confidence. The Lady Marion was having a swim in their private pool with her ladies in attendance, so a message was sent out to her by Moth, one of the blithe spirits of the night, who was also in the delegation. The Lady Marion looked so beautiful as she frolicked in the blue water with her attendants that Moth for a moment thought why not have a beauty contest? Marion graciously stepped out of the pool as her ladies wrapped her in a woollen robe; there was a nip in the air, it being the merry month of Christmas,and the lady looked beautiful as ever, her brown hair streaming down her shoulders, as she smiled and held out her hand to Moth who was somewhat taken aback because it isn't often that people as important as the Lady Marion shake her little hand. One of her attendants handed the lady a glass of mead to warm her up after her swim and she sat down on a log of wood covered with moss to graciously inquire what the visit was all about. When Moth apprised the lady why they were there, she immediately summoned her attendants to fetch her clothes as she wished to confer with Robin in his quarters about the matter. A beautiful chestnut horse appeared and the lady vaulted into the saddle in true Robin Hood style and, with Moth sitting behind her, rode off to Robin's domain for the meeting, with Flute and the other members of the delegation following. "We, the companions and trusted band of Robin o' the Hood, together with the Lady Marion, roundly condemn any such beauty contest planned by any official authorities, to be held in the forest which is sacrosanct to all of us whose abode the forest is, 'Flute read from a Proclamation that had been got ready in seconds by Quince, as my media director. Meanwhile, Bottom and Puck and the rest who were not in the delegation, had been in a huddle for some time trying to find a way out of the problem. An official handout had been received by Quince that there would be trouble if the beauty contest was opposed in any way. "Fancy their cheek! Sending handouts to the court of king Oberon! Off with their heads as well!" That was Flute in an unusual role. Although he is a bellows mender, he is usually mild and gentlemanly. They say he has some sort of noble ancestry, so that perhaps accounts for it. It was then that Bottom, Puck and the rest came up and sought my permission for an audience. They had arrived at a solution to the beauty contest problem and were ready to present it to me when someone pointed out that the Lady Marion had not been given time to say what she had to say about such a contest. Marion stood up and roundly condemned such contests as being an insult to all women everywhere,addressing Tit and me. Tit, who is a bit of a hothead and is not beyond getting involved in street brawls - she is invisible when she wants to be - swung down from a branch of her favourite tree and began her argument against any beauty contest being held in the forest. It was after that that Bot and the rest made their supplication to me;they had arrived at a solution through well-thought-out negotiations, and that was to be kept a secret until Christmas Day, when they were to present a pantomime based on beauty contests. Details were not to be revealed immediately except to me and Tit, and the Lady Marion who they took aside and conferred with for some minutes. She smiled her beauteous smile and that meant approval, of course. 'It is to be a pantomime,' announced Nick Bottom with much contrived pomposity and a very serious countenance, adding: 'But we cannot reveal details now, only to say that there will be advance bookings at the forest box office which our Quince will be in charge of.' 'Please, sir, will there be any frightening animals in the panto? asked a frightened little Peace Blossom. 'No animals!' Bot replied, adding: 'Lions and tigers among ladies is a most dreadful thing,' in (almost) the exact words of the Bard. Besides, the BBC said that the recent rumpus at a beauty contest in Nigeria could mean that such contestants are nothing but a fall-out of nuclear garbage shunned by everyone; Flute noted. - Ob |
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