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| Sunday, 23 May 2004 |
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Features |  |
| News Business Features Editorial
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The fine art of listening by Lakmal Welabada
Workaholic Jayantha is a senior executive in the private sector. According to his working wife he is a workaholic with a silent personality. What does Jayantha have to say about their relationship? "My wife is a chatter box. But I prefer to be myself a lot. This annoyed her and became very emotional. This caused problems in the early years of our marriage. Later I accepted the fact. What I was doing was wrong. I'm still not a better 'chatterer' than she is. But I have become a good listener. It keeps our marriage going," says Jayantha. Luxury "My parents don't love me," complains seven-year old Dilushi. After digging deeper into the matter the reason for her complaint was revealed. Her busy parents had 'much-to-do' with their well established jobs with high posts and never ending social functions, but 'nothing-much-to-do' with their daughter, the only child. Feeding, clothing, schooling, tuition and having all the luxury has not fulfilled the little life of Dilushi. Everyday she was waiting for her parents to return home. She had a world of things to tell them - what happened at school, what her friends say about this and that, how she dressed her Barbie doll and how Tommy, their dog frightened the next door pussy cat. Her mother was busy in the kitchen. Yes, as usual Ammi is having a hectic day with a dual role as a working woman. Dilushi wanted to talk to her father. But he was deeply absorbed in the TV. She tried to catch his attention. He just smiled at her from time to time. His eyes were mainly focused on to the TV. After his favourite program he got up. His next aim was either his personal computer or the bed. The only attention Dilushi had from her father was the warmth of his hand that stroked her head while he was passing her from the TV to computer. After a few months Dilushi was brought to a child counsellor. By that time, she was an adamant, selfish, hot tempered yet lazy and moody child. The counsellor who became a good friend of Dilushi soon found the cause. 'Spend more time with your child' was the only medicine the counsellor prescribed for the problem when the little girl's worried parents inquired. Fourteen-year-old Natasha had been asking her parents for a little space to breath. But, her strict orthodox mum has nothing to do with her feelings. "I can talk about a problem with my father better than with my mother," says Natasha. Peer association was the only escape for her. Natasha's parents took her to the counsellor after discovering that she had secretly started going to night clubs with her friends at night. "More than the mother - daughter relationship try to be a friend to your daughter. Build up friend to friend relationship with her," the counsellor advised the mother. Natasha's father placed appointments with the counsellor for both the mother and daughter separately. Natasha never dreamt that her mother was also seeing the same counsellor, her intimate friend to whom she revealed the sad and lonely part of her life. "My mother is very much better now. She does not shout at me, and doesn't get crotchety at all as she used to be. She even cracks jokes with my father and I," said Natasha after few months. A human child loves his/her parents since he/she needs security more than any other 'animal' in this world. The child clings on to the parents until 15-16 years to this. They don't want their parents to get separated as well as they hate to see them fighting with each other in front of them. It causes heavy damage to the children's mentality. Once again all their is happening due to 'lack of understanding and communication'. "Inability to relate to each other is the main reason for many problems of today," says Ms.Kodippily. Whether it's a husband and wife or parent and child or among colleagues or among school friends or neighbours or anybody else, proper communication should be maintained. We cannot have the same communicative style with everybody. It differs from person to person," she says. Communication Learning to communicate is an art as well as a science. It's a talent as well as a skill. For some people it is an inborn gift, and for others it is a subject that should be learnt with concern. Communication plays the main role in healthy relationships. What are the main obstacles family counsellors have identified that block the relationships among people of today? "Technology," says Ms.Kodippily with a smile. "Tvs, DVDs, computer games, workaholism and rat-race have invaded our homes. Thus we kill our precious time relating with these new technological items instead of being with our families - children and spouses. And our children also get used to this pattern. Yesteryear, the whole family used to sit around the dining table and have dinner. It was the time we had space to talk to each other. Children talked about the things that had happened at school, and used to come out with their dreams and desires. I still remember how we let our children express their views. Those evenings and nights were spent with laughter and harmony. And there are young families who still maintain these traditions. They do it mainly by curtailing their TV hours," she said. Nalini has something similar to tell us. "When we were small my grandparents used to relate fairy tales to us. I still remember all those stories. My grandmother used to sit beside our bed and recite a 'Jathaka' story with lot of morals and values until we fell asleep. I am a working mother. Hence I get late to come home. But still I try to recite a story to my little ones. But I can't expect the same thing from 'my parents' (their grannies) as they are busy watching TV teledramas from 7.30 to 9.30pm. And sometimes the TV hours are dragged until mid night since every channel somehow show a Tamil or a Hindi movie with Sinhala subtitles," she said with a smile. Pastime "Watching TV is the only pastime we, the old people have. We look after the grandchildren the whole day long. And unlike yesterday's children, today's children are very naughty and difficult to manage. We relax only a little in the night. So is there anything wrong in us watching tele dramas?" asks Nalini's mother. Shehani came out with another story. "Now I rarely get a chance to visit my cousin sister's place. Recently they bought a DVD player. Her husband is a video/CD fan. Now when we go to their place, he always offers to show us 'a good comedy or a detective film' which he brings from a top video/CD outlet in Colombo. So my husband and children are also dragged to watch it. Everybody is sitting together, but looking at the TV monitor, and doing nothing else. Every time when this happens I tend to remember how we used to play and spend the hours chatting, fighting and laughing with our cousins. Everything has changed today," she lamented. "We should regulate TV hours for children," says Ms.Kodippily. "Training them to work according to a flexible time table is very important. On the other hand before training children, the elders should train themselves," she says. Morality is the other factor that Ms.Kodippily points out in lacking in today's society. "I suggest that every home should practice prayer session or recitation of 'gathas' daily as a routine. We can spare 15 to 20 minutes for this. The whole family should get together in the shrine room and attend the religious rites. In most of our homes we tend to have a separate section as a TV room, and rarely think of having a peaceful shrine area. We, our children need this religious background. Morals and values should be taught at home," explained Ms.Kodippily. A person with high morals and healthy relationships generally doesn't easily get stressed, and rarely falls into depression. Priya Kodippily started counselling in 1977, and followed many training sessions and courses in Australia, England and Canada. She has worked as the Director of the Alcohol Residential Rehabilitation Centre run by Sumithrayo, and was the founder Director of the Counselling Centre at Hope House, Salvation Army. Ms.Kodippily will conduct a 'Parenting Course' from June 15 for six weeks at the Hope House, Salvation Army, Colombo. A workshop on 'Anger' will be held at the same place in August. |
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| Editorial | Security Produced by Lake House |
Talking and listening are the two main factors in communication. People
need to communicate with each other since they need to maintain
relationships. Do you spare your time to listen to others? That does not
mean you are compelled to listen to all sorts of gossip and rumours
brought to you by others. But still if that gossip monger is somebody from
your own house, your family, then pause a while to think about it. They
need to talk, and express their views, opinions and emotions. Talking is
'the best healing' for many (mental) illnesses. What are the obstacles
that prevent us from communicating?
