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| Sunday, 4 December 2005 |
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Out of reach dissin' the system - by rikki Most of you people out there are probably recovering from the gruelling time that is the election, be it relief or frustration as it may be. But then again it could also be that you were wishing that it was elections day and after again, after all you get the whole bloody week off if you were still under the tyranny of a principal or at least one half of a day plus another day of leave plus the weekend if you were working to catch up on some rest on relaxation. Anyway that's how I feel about it, after all, just about every politician that we Sri Lankans are blessed with contains a specific genetic marker that gives them the rare ability to unblinkingly and very convincingly lie to the rest of the dumb population while they systematically hoard their Swiss bank accounts with out hard earned sweat (translation: money - foreign exchange). Now that I have taken you through my surmise of what should have been last week's edition which could not be printed because of the same reason that the adult population got their pinky fingers coloured a putrid purple (perhaps it was for the best as I may have not survived to type this with my life intact - you lucky readers!). As I was saying this first week of December, I am pressed with an even more pressing issue: - that of the undulating weather patterns and its psychological and physical trauma on the sub species of home sapiens found in the land mass of Sri Lanka. Confused? Let me explain, me ignoramus ones. It first began with the bright sun that shone for much longer hours than usual with increasing intensity, blinding us under its influence and leaving us not just with sun burns (sun spots?) but also making the average lad and lass even more susceptible to those fairness concoction advertisements. Then as the sun began to make its presence felt even more conspicuously in our daily down trodden lives, we began to show up to work much early (just after sunrise) and leaving much late (right after sunset) in an effort to beat the ultra violet rays mercilessly beaming down from the centre of our solar system, causing the beginnings of carcinomas all over the place. The streets were found deserted in the noon and the afternoons, people relinquishing the walk to their favourite (cheapest) eatery around with a boring home cooked lunch, a meagre meal from the fancy restaurant in the building, foregoing lunch completely, or if you're one of those survival of the fittest types, stealing the lunch of your mate whose mother certainly knows how to cook. The people of Sri Lanka silently cursed the sun that they advertised in their travel brochures in the foreign lands so very well. They turned into shade runners, experts at judging the distance in between consecutive shadows as they ran from the safety of one roof to another. The people also began to go back to their hunter-gatherer roots as absolutely no deodorant, cream or whatever other product could simply stop the body cooling itself by means of sweat. Everyone looked like they just took a roll in transparent mud when they appeared at work. Certain others in an effort to combat their body odour doled themselves in expensive and not so pricey perfumes in deadly results - the combination of the two odours not smelt by the wearers themselves, impinged nausea and other similar conditions in those nearby. There were also the carriers of umbrellas - no I am definitely not referring to those pathetic people who infest the Galle Face green, or rather brown. These people in an effort to bounce off the offending rays used their contraptions just about everywhere, not only knocking into people because of the lessened visibility but also caused temporary blindness in those unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of the reflected rays in their eyes. As people scurried about their lives in silent prayer for the cooling drops of rain, they were presented with more than they bargained for. It began with fast greying clouds that spread across the sky, blotting out the sunlight and heralding the cool of darkness - what a beautiful sight it was to those gathered outside waiting for those first glorious drops of acid rain (nitrous, carbonic, sulphurous acids, etc.). As usual we were presented with more than we bargained for, proving that not only is the world overpopulated but that these are means of naturally reducing the population rather than resorting to culling. The breath taking vista of lightning lit up the now black and heavy clouds electrocuting a couple of those darned carriers of umbrellas and the gossips and lovers alike on the phones; the sweet loud rumbling of thunder nearly deafened us as our ear drums vibrated dangerously. Instead of the pitter patter of raindrops in our hands, however we got the forceful vigour of bucketfuls of water. The much awaited rain poured down from the heavens, poured down our roofs, poured down our drains, poured down our gardens, poured down our roads indiscriminate of traffic, poured down our lakes and rivers. Suddenly we were wading knee deep water while being drenched in the never-ending torrential downpour to make our way to the nearest shop to buy a now more costly cigarette, only to find the shop also flooded. Even if you managed to buy one, smoking it becomes very dicey since you and everything else including the environment very wet. As we clothed ourselves in unwashed clothes, or washed and very damp clothes, both of which smelt horribly, as televisions and cds floated around, you were forced to either brave the swirling muddy waters to get to work late to work and back to much remonstration from all sides. Certain students sitting for their mock examinations reached school as if from a dye job - the whites turned chocolatey brown and after their examinations were over. The irony of the entire situation is of course that the very same people that cursed the blaring sun now mouth obscenities at the lack of it. And since all these freak weather patterns are due to bad environmental practises, let me tell you this: do not cut trees - we shall print newspapers out of plastic which is not very bio-degradable, which will force you the buyer not only to dole out more to read my weekly rants but also find it more dodgy to get rid of; do not use vehicular means of transport - walk to your destination; and finally do not have barbecues - they produce carbon dioxide which causes the green house effect. |
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