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| Sunday, 19 March 2006 |
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Features |  |
| News Business Features Editorial
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Marital arguments are healthy A relationship without arguments is a relationship without a pulse... by Chamitha Kuruppu Milan knew he had to take a decision. Just three months before his wedding he had suddenly realised that he was about to make the biggest mistake in his life. "She is insecure and frustrated and keeps fighting with me and my family," says Milan, stressing that he does not want to suffer throughout his life by marrying the wrong woman.
And all because of sparring. Call it a fight, call it an argument, call it whatever you like. But let's be honest. The truth is that in every relationship and marriage, there is fighting. Is it normal to fight in a relationship? Some people feel as if an argument, any argument, is a sign that a relationship is not healthy. Other people feel as if a relationship without argument is a relationship without a pulse. So, is it healthy to fight, or not? Twenty-four-year old Sujani had to pick her life partner through a proposal. Within four months after she had first met him, Sujani's parents forced her to get ready for the wedding. Sujani and her husband had their first fight three months into their marriage, and it scared her. "I hardly knew this person and I had never seen him angry before," recalls Sujani. Their first fight was an outcome of a trivial issue, which Sujani is unable to recall. But she knew that it was her emotional accusations that led to the fight. "I made him angry and when he started yelling at me, it scared me. But it was also a relief, because I knew that it was possible to bounce back from it. He asked me what was wrong, and that's all it took before it came pouring out. What I had to say was something he didn't want to hear and it led to an argument, but it also led to better understanding and communication," she points out. Like in Sujani's case, a new relationship or marriage will sail smoothly for months on end until the first fight. The couple is too wrapped up in their newfound love to have a disagreement about anything. Even if something was really questionable it's all too soon to speak up. But when the first fight arrives, it all eventually falls down. "Since then fighting has become a routine in our life. We fight about money, house chores or his dirty socks on the floor. But we both make sure such fights won't last long. After a fight I make the first move and talk to him. Then everything turns back to normal. We both believe that each fight makes our marriage stronger," feels Sujani. While people like Sujani believe fighting is essential for a healthy relationship, some feel sparring is wrong. They believe that fights are destroying the harmony of the relationship, that it generates tensions and distance with your partner. Nishantha, a father of two sons has been married for the last eight years. Their marriage was a result of a seven-year-old love affair. Even after knowing each other for nearly fifteen years, Nishantha believes he is a victim of an unfortunate marriage. "She acted like a saint for the seven years that I dated her. And soon after the marriage she turned into this evil person," claims Nishantha. "She fights for no reason. If I knew her 'real identity' before, I would have never married her," he claims, adding that he is unable to take a decision because of their two sons. "I don't utter a word or react to any of her unreasonable fights. But I worry about my two sons who are innocent victims of this daily battle,". Although he has warned his wife not to fight in front of their children, she has turned a deaf ear. "Sometimes I take them and go out until she calms down," notes Nishantha adding, "I don't believe in fights. Picking up on each other about insignificant things and creating tensions where you actually wanted to generate harmony, cannot be considered healthy," points out Nishantha. Although Nishantha believes in such theory, according to the experts fighting is perfectly normal, and it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed. It's how you handle these fights that predict whether you'll be together for the long haul. You might believe that because you fight with your partner, there is something wrong with you. There isn't! In most situations, fights are perfectly fine and healthy. Fights come from a positive desire to express yourself and your desires. They come from a desire to secure your relationship. It's hard not to fight when you invest so much of yourself in a person. It's harder yet to realise what the fighting is really all about. Things are said, feelings are hurt, accusations come out, and by the end of the fight, it just might be the end of everything. Medical experts define fights as psychic battles. They are a battle for power. They are a "relationship environment" you want to master. When you fight you express what you want. You constructively generate energy and fire, and it is a chance to expand the territory of your relationship. If it happens in every relationship and marriage, why is it that there are some couples who seem to enter and exit the ring gracefully while others seem as if there is never a break between rounds? There are basically two types of fighters; the Screamers and the Sweepers. The former is the couple that nobody doubts is having problems. They are the ones that fight over the smallest things, and these small things turn into World War III. The fights turn brutal fast and leave deep wounds that are still raw, as the next fight starts. They fight about the same thing over and over and never seem to solve a thing. The latter have conflicts, but they keep it quiet, from the neighbours, from the family, and even from themselves. When a conflict arises, these people will quickly and effectively avoid the conflict and will work around it. On the other hand, when we fight, something interesting happens in our bodies. For most people, fighting isn't just an exchange of words. It is an emotional event that happens and is felt throughout our bodies. There are two types of emotions. primary and secondary. Secondary emotions are emotions that come after the main emotion occurs. In essence, it is a reaction to the reaction. When you say "She pissed me off", or "He made me so mad" you don't talk about the real emotion. According to medical experts that is the reaction to the emotion. The primary emotion is hurt, disappointment, or rejection. Part of the problem when we fight is that too often we are dealing with the secondary emotions. We have felt something strongly like rejection or betrayal, and then our bodies automatically go into a defensive mode. Our brains release chemicals that put us on alert and do not allow proper functioning of brain processing. What we need to realize is that people who work off secondary emotions do not actually see reality because their brains cannot function properly with the chemicals that are being produced. Our natural response is to retaliate without thought. How can you fight effectively when your brain is not functioning? You can't! That is why you need to be able to see clearly enough to fight. Fights aren't an integral part of a relationship, but they are inevitable. Sometimes it takes the tears and the sweat to fix something that seems broken. And sometimes fights need to be avoided, especially when there is no real foundation for them, and especially when they're done out of spite. |
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| Produced by Lake House |
"A little fight now and then could be tolerated, but when someone is born
with a habit to fight, things could get more complicated," feels Milan. His
fiancee's intolerable 'fighting habit' led Milan to call off their wedding.
He is a classic example of thousands of youth who fear commitment of
marriage. 
