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A terrible sale of human flesh - Horror or bliss?

When the Leader of Opposition, Ranil Wickremasinghe proclaimed that he would abolish the giving of dowry as one of his election promises during last year's presidential elections, the seemingly insignificant statement in comparison with fertiliser prices and the peace process raised a hue and cry of mixed reactions from the voters.

People were given television spots in an attempt to debate this local Sinhalese tradition and both stories of horror and bliss were presented as evidence. With the tightly contested victory going to Mahinda Rajapakse however, the storm died as suddenly as it came into being.

This week the Sunday Observer spoke to a cross-section of people regarding the effect dowries had on their marriages.

by Rikaza Hassan

Namini was 24 when she married her fiance. Both coming from traditional Buddhist families, a devadda was asked for, negotiated and then given together with the daughter in marriage. The couple in love spent a long honeymoon and before coming back to the house that was part of the dowry package continued to be happy for some time.

The problems began when Namini wanted to have a child and her husband refused unless she transferred the house to his ownership and transferred the money her parents had given her to his bank account. "I was totally taken aback. At first I cried in shock, then flatly refused.

We fought like cats and dogs constantly, and I filed for divorce. My parents were aghast, they just wanted me to give everything to him and remain in a marriage that was no more, that never was." The 33 year-old is now married again and expecting a son in the coming months. "Gihan, my husband never asked me for anything. He loves me for me. Every cent that I earn is for me to do as I please. I've learnt my lesson, never marry a man who asks you for material wealth.

Kamala was happily married until she found out a little detail about her marriage that she had not been privy to, until then. She never got along with her mother-in-law and when during one of their frequent bouts of anger, she burst out with the fact that the only reason her son married her was because of all the money that her parents had given as dowry, she was shocked.

Kamala promptly began probing her parents to find out whether her mother-in-law's spiteful outburst was in fact all fact. Mahesan, the man she had had a relationship with for three years before they even discussed marriage plans had been ready to drop her if her parents didn't bribe him with the right things. "My parents were crying. They knew how much in love with him I was.

They knew that I'll crumble if I found out the truth." So the two families conspired to not let Kamala find out that a dowry was being given. "I know it is an age-old tradition but I had always declared my firm derision of it." The house came as a gift to their daughter even though it ended up being written under Mahesan's name. The money in Mahesan's bank account she had no idea of.

According to Kamala's sister, the party of the groom would have walked out if her father had not shown them the updated bankbook - there had been delays in transferring the cash. "Everything is in his name that if I leave him, I'll get nothing of what my parents so generously gave. If there was no dowry system in this country, the sick practice of selling or bribing people into marriage won't occur."

Cultural assimilation cannot happen in a mix of races such as found in Sri Lanka. And just like we see the Sinhalese in shalwars and pottu, Malays making kavum and kokis on New Year's Day, Muslims have taken to the practice of giving dowries for their daughters, as in the case of Ruzna, a pretty young thing that her parents didn't feel safe leaving single. Her parents began proposing, to find a match for their daughter.

The rich man who worked in France who wanted a pious girl to take care of his house there, was perfect.

Except for the fact that he also demanded for a house, cash and lots of jewellery for his bride-to-be. If he is as good and religious as he says he is, then why is he making such demands, she asked her parents; I don't want someone to marry me for my money.

Her parents did not heed her, and with the generous help of her uncles, adequate cash was found, jewellery made for her and her parents' ancestral home written in her name. The very good-looking husband flew down, spent a week with his young bride and then flew back. He called her constantly, told her of his efforts to get her visa and three months later flew back to Sri Lanka.

The ecstatic bride however was to be sorely disappointed. The husband demanded that the house and jewellery be sold and together with the other cash be transferred to his sole account if they wanted to see him take his wife back with him.

If they refused, he would simply leave her and go to France alone. This time Ruzna stood up for herself and literally told him to 'go to hell'. With the help of a family member she filed for divorce and is now married again, this time with no involvement with dowry. "A woman should never marry a man who asks for a dowry from her," she challenges.

Sometimes a dowry is not asked for, but nevertheless expected and when expectations don't materialise, it is not always good. Sarah, a mother of two recently gave her oldest in marriage with no dowry demanded or given. Her son-in-law does not believe in old and degrading values and did not ask for anything; if he had neither she nor her daughter would have agreed.

When Sarah got married her parents did not give her a dowry either. However her in-laws were an extremely traditional high caste family. "My husband would routinely pull a fight with me saying that my parents never gave me anything and that he alone had to provide for me. He said that I was a worthless wife and that he must have been drunk when he married me."

When Sarah's parents found out they were naturally upset and began handing cash to her husband on a regular basis. He would spend on a whim and then demand for more, threatening to leave their daughter alone.

Finally Sarah couldn't take any more of it and she went back to her parents' house. Her husband sometimes dropped by asking for money and then finally went overseas and has never been heard of again." Sometimes however people don't have a choice.

Shanaz is a 26 year-old whose parents have found a man that both they and their daughter are satisfied with. A computer man with a salary in five figures, the family is happy about their find. Now however is a time to scrounge and pinch, every single penny is being saved to buy gold jewellery for Shanaz. "I think giving a dowry is inhuman, but my parents' believe in upholding traditions - their marriage involved dowry as well.

They say that all the gold is worth it because he will take care of me for the rest of my life. I can't go against my parents wishes."

And while Shanaz' parents continue to believe that a dowry is a necessary exchange to find a good husband, others have changed their mind.

When Praveen married his wife, he demanded a house, furniture and household items such as cutlery and glasses. He also asked that his wife possess enough gold. At the time Praveen was in a position to demand such amounts, as he was a qualified engineer with a job in Colombo.

The only reason he didn't ask for more was because his wife was fair. The now father of two teenage kids, he has undergone a major change of heart. "I am ashamed of myself for being so greedy. I am grateful that my marriage has worked out so wonderfully despite it being simply a sale. I will never let my two sons demand for dowry when their time comes."

Then again to most people dowry giving is simply a means of ensuring that their daughters are given in marriage to a man they deem suitable. In certain rural areas, well-off parents with a daughter choose a boy who has got entrance to university and promise him a dowry that depends on their educational qualifications. A qualified doctor is given a house, car and Rs.500, 000, an engineer gets only the house and a car while an accountant gets just the house.

There is also Malini, a beautiful maiden of 30 who lives in the suburbs of Colombo. Brought up by her grandmother, she is still waiting to get married. Her grandmother found her a man that she believes is suitable and her brother is still collecting the Rs.350, 000 demanded by the man.

Even though there have been other offers of marriage, the grandmother politely declines them. She believes that this is the best man for her granddaughter and that Malini will simply have to wait until her brother, the sole breadwinner of the family manages to save up the whole amount.

She is positive that the money will be found before the man decides to stop waiting. Soon to be married Udeshi believes that dowry is a harmless tradition. Her in-laws never asked for anything material, but she thinks that they probably do expect her parents to give her something. "My mother is writing me a plot of land and giving me jewellery and household items like a bed and a refrigerator." To Udeshi, a dowry is a tradition of parents giving something to their daughter that will be of help to her in her new life. Udeshi's mother too is of the same opinion.

When she got married, her in-laws did not ask for anything specific, but dowry giving was an important tradition in their families. Her mother got crafted beautiful jewellery plus presented her a few family heirlooms. Her father also transferred ownership of her allocation of the family plot of land and she also got a whole new wardrobe.

So, are dowries a harmless tradition? A present from parent to child? A means of selecting the best of the stock for their beloved daughter? Or a precursor to horror stories? A terrible sale of human flesh?

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Copyright 2001 The Associated Newspapers of Ceylon Ltd.