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| Sunday, 02 April 2006 |
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Fat women, Long Nailed men and Armpit Hair I do not usually harp on just a component of an issue, but this particular sub-sector (refer above) I believe must be singled out and examined with circumspect care. There are many an obstruction, hindrance, impediment encountered by the human being forced to travel in one of the many ordinary fare buses that are provided for the service of public transport of Sri Lankans. Be it a long, many seater, a small compact one, or an irregularly shaped one that is about to fall apart, there is the common denominator of hurdles that the passengers are required to get through that unites them all.
Travelling in a bus means being knocked around by a myriad of bags and the steel chains and spikes supposed to be accessories and dumped on you if you happen to be sitting. It means having your feet trampled by heavy boots and a hole drilled through by thin heels. It means inhaling the ever so sweet perfume of sweating bodies of total strangers as well as having the excretions pouring down their bodies rubbed off on you. Travelling in a bus means having your butt squeezed, your breasts fondled and nipples twisted, to have roaming hands inside your clothes. (In a victory for equal opportunity both male and female kind find themselves assaulted in this manner.) Except for the bloody perverts though, most of the assaults are due to the circumstances; we do not have a coordinated or efficient public transport system. However what really gets me pissed off and wanna scream at people to just get their frickin' selves off the damned hell of the bus is fat me, men with scary long nails and the traditional arm pit hair. Quite frankly I believe that enormous women should be banned from taking public transport. Instead they should be asked to walk their way to work and back home so that they could work out all that excess fat and get back to an average weight. Better yet, elephant-like women should be sent away to camps where they will be used for hard manual labour and will allowed back home if they lose enough weight plus the discipline to not eat an entire buffet table for lunch - a kind of rehab for extensive obesity. Just think the alleviation it will give to just the daily bus traveller, let alone the economy of the country. One would not have to try and push a mountain out of the way to get to the door of the bus. One would not be thrown 10 seats away just because a jumbo sized woman brushed by you. One would not find an entire row of seats taken by the huge rear end of such a woman for the very same fare as you. One need not ever get squashed in to the steel bar of a seat, feet suspended in air and unable to move because a massive body is ramming you. One will never be slapped by mammoth saggy breasts and elbows. As for the extremely unearthly male kind that grows his finger nails a few inches long, all I can think of is having the lot executed publicly. Or better yet we could get the guillotine, an experienced french guy and have their hands chopped off. I mean, seriously, those off-white, pale yellow, dirt brown streaked nails are freaky to the sight and extremely dangerous in the bus. Imagine being struck in the eye by a three inches of finger nail. Imagine having it raking across your face, back, legs as the unnatural man passes by. As the stoned Paula Abdul always says on American Idol, I've got goosebumps. And finally the terror of terrors. The ultimate terrorists that terrorises extremely vulnerable innocent bus travellers: Women with arm pit hair. There you are squashed from all sides, a man with long nails who is trying to find the fifty cent coin that fell down and scratching your legs instead, a fat woman pressed up on you so hard that you're gasping and then holy mother of god, you see it; a wrinkled old woman raises up her hand and the most unpleasant sight ever to greet your life- bushy, curly, long, thriving black arm pit hair. This is the moment that you wish you were dead while you try to hold the puke in. Arm pit hair that flows out of saree blouses and t-shirts, arm pit hair that stands out shiny from raised arms, arm pit hair that should never exist under a woman's arms. There should be a law of hygiene and safety that calls for shaved arm pits and prosecutes unshaved arm pit people with the minimum sentence of being burnt on a stake. I'm sure understand my reasoning by now and why Fat women, Long Nailed
men and Armpit Hair should be eradicated from our national buses, and
better yet our country. |
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