So, are you suffering from them mother-in-law blues?

by Rikaza Hassan

The mother-in-law has always been portrayed as a cruel human being, sometimes even used to embody the very essence of evil. They have made sitcom producers extremely rich with programs such as Everybody Loves Raymond, Married with Children and All in the Family. There is now even a website devoted to mother-in-law complaints: http://www.motherinlawstories.com where mostly women post tales of their experiences with their "meddlesome," "critical" and "controlling" mothers-in-law.

Mother-in-law jokes galore at work, parties, on the internet. After all, making fun of an issue is simply another way of dealing with the emotional pain caused by it. But, is the contemporary mother-in-law a chip of the old stereotype block or is she yet another human being unfairly typecast?

I still find ingrained in my memory, a visit to a relative nearly a decade ago. My cousin-sister who was soon to be married was telling my mother of how her friends (who had not as yet married) keep on telling her of how lucky she is that she has no mother-in-law. While her tone tried to convey shock as in: what a wicked thing to say, I nevertheless starkly remember the smile twitching at the ends of her mouth to come out, and the obvious relief in her eyes.

Happily married, Mayanthi believes that a mother-in-law is as human as anyone else and hence is liable to have her faults just like any other human being. "I don't believe that all mothers-in-law are bad people.

There might be a few really bad ones just as there will be a few extremely nice ones, and the rest are as flawed as the next person. I don't think the stereotype applies in this day and age, but I would like to point out that the person being once again stereotyped as insufferable, is a woman. I mean, you don't get jokes being made about fathers-in-law or brothers-in-law despite their obvious faults. It's simply another attack on women. What the daughters-in-law don't realise is that they will one day be a mother-in-law as well."

Not everyone believes in the humaneness of mothers-in-law, however. "My husband's mother is a real b****," says *Karen. "She visits us on a daily basis with a basket of my husband's favourite foods. She then goes on and on about how thin he looks, and tells me I should feed him nutritious food and not the kind that comes out of a box - all because I use instant coconut milk instead of making it myself.

Then she gives 'my' kitchen an inspection, finds dust balls in corners, cobwebs in the store room and so on. She even tries to feed our infant with sweets. My husband is too molly- cuddled to stand up to her, but it is not right of me to push her out of his life completely. Sometimes I believe the old crone is a witch."

While not as eloquently hateful, Shanika does agree that her mother-in-law was a "pain" when they lived in the same house. "She expected me to completely take over all the household duties, despite my work. I had to cook, clean and wash for the entire family while she simply stood next to me and criticised my work.

When my husband tried to talk to her she got even angrier with me. Now that we live separately I have only to bear with a visit every month, somehow, though she manages to ruin that entire day."

And then, some others believe them to be superhuman. "I love my mother-in-law," says Ayesha. "She takes care of our kids, she cooks our meals, and she makes our house a happy place. When my father was dying, I was able to lean on her and she comforted me and took care of me like her own, during those horrible days.

I don't know if all mothers-in-law are like mine or if she is just an exception, but she is just the most wonderful person to enter my life." As for the sons-in-law's view of their mothers-in-laws, *Saman is of the opinion that they are definitely better off than their wives. "Sure none of us have mothers-in-law who are angels, but they are more than tolerable as long as we don't live in the same house.

I most certainly would not want to live under the same roof as my wife's mother.

My wife will start taking her advice, and everything will be 'my mother said this' and 'my mother said that'. I however don't hate my wife's mother, but just like to keep our distance from her."

Mirshad on the other hand looks at his mother-in-law as his own mother. "She is an extremely nice lady and is a mother to me. She treats me like her own child and I wouldn't know what to do without her actually. I love her like my own mother."

The word 'mother' implies caring, compassion, kindness, thoughtfulness and other such wonderful qualities. Hence, a 'mother'-in-law must also ? demonstrate such qualities to both her children and her children-in-law. But do they in general? The jury is out, the decision yours to make.

*names have been changed on request