Divorce, separation and hurting children

Who suffers most?:

by Umangi de Mel

Having issues in a marriage is common and you usually 'kiss and make-up' hoping things happen for the best only to find out that it's the beginning of the end...Divorce is painful, makes you feel like part of you has been ripped off permanently.

"Lack of understanding between the couple is the main cause of divorce" says Kapila Ranasinghe, Consultant Psychiatrist with special interest in couple and sex therapy.

"Before 1990, separation and divorce rate was comparatively low to the west but since the 90s the divorce rate is slightly increasing especially in the urban areas. In America, the divorce rates decreased though, due to many reasons and its the same with Europe," he reveals pointing out that lack of understanding as the main cause of divorce.

Many people seem to marry without a proper understanding.

It's a common complaint among couples that they can't relate to each other. Most of it being 'love' marriages, people find it difficult to get used to the partner after marriage.

"Marriage and sex lives are not discussed through media in Sri Lanka. Most people lack awareness. Here, it's considered 'taboo' to discuss such matters whereas in India those issues are openly discussed as a result they have many psychiatrists who practise sex therapy.

In Sri Lanka, both government and private sectors have very minimal services to help troubled couples. It's not a crime to teach children what matters in the long run at a proper age. But only the reproductive health is being taught in schools and not sexual health."

According to our shrink, 'infidelity' plays only a secondary role in a divorce. He says that unsatisfactory sexual life makes people leave. Frustration pushes many to have extra marital affairs which is seen in Sri Lanka.

Unfortunately though, people don't accept that it happens in every segment of society. "Unqualified people who claim to be experts come on media to advice. What happens mostly is people think 'sex' is merely a means of having children and that it's taboo to go beyond and enjoy.

Especially females thoroughly neglect the physical needs of a husband and forget to look after themselves after having children. The wife's lacking interest in certain significant areas affect the husband. The former will only look after the kids. Once the emotional and physical needs aren't met, a marriage is bound to fail."

After marriage, people think the initial excitement and the thrill is over. They stop making an attempt to look beautiful to each other or care for the partner. Lack of awareness of the sexual, emotional and social needs of a relationship leave room for marital conflict which eventually ends up in divorce.

In what's called a 'front marriage', the couple pretends to be together but there's no relationship as such. They're together for the sake of the children as they seem to think 'divorce' is ugly.

Does the extended family play a role in a divorce?

"Well, extended families could be a protective factor for continuity of marriage, though it doesn't improve the quality of a marriage.

Our culture is changing. Many aspects of life have changed dramatically such as houses, clothes, transport and life styles but the quality of life remains the same. Emotional needs and sexual needs are unfulfilled as people are not aware. They don't have the skill to change."

The reading percentage in Sri Lanka is very low, he says. As a result their knowledge about sexual and relationship needs is limited.

Couples continue to struggle while in the marriage especially females who suffer in silence. They're at great disadvantage as majority might be socially and economically dependent on men. "It's associated with levels of poverty. Empowering the females will reduce the level of suffering but of course, the separation level will increase. The legal framework in Sri Lanka doesn't favour the female.

In other countries, the male is asked to write half his wealth in his wife's name at a divorce whereas here, we're merely asked to maintain."

Talking about how divorce affects children, Kapila points out that children feel very vulnerable after a divorce, "The lacking sense of security will affect their emotional development badly. Growing up as emotionally unstable people will make them vulnerable to develop personality disorders, or mental health issues.

Main thing is children learn by observation. Their role models will be parents as they grow up but by losing one parent which will leave them with just one role model who is bound to be under a lot of pressure, children could suffer a great deal. A single parent is bound to be depressed having to deal with a lot of problems alone.

They find it difficult to control or guide children which will allow the latter to develop behavioural problems. They'll also develop wrong methods in handling emotional or social issues."

In a country like ours, the stigma associated with separation is vast which indirectly affects the children.

They're bound to be bullied in school, and are socially despised as other parents don't allow them to play with their children.

There's no social acceptance for single parents in Sri Lanka. The legal framework and school settings don't recognise single parents. Children of single parents often feel inadequate that they are different from others.

They lack self esteem and confidence. "A drastic change in attitude is required to reduced the effects of separation or divorce on children. Society needs to understand that it's equal in status if a mother or father raises the children alone providing emotional, social and economical needs.

Also the education, social and legal systems should gradually change as there'll most definitely be single parents in Sri Lanka in future."

Also, after a divorce or separation, children who are in early adolescence feel lonely thus they feel the need for a companion. They start looking for love outside the family. According to Kapila, children of separated or divorced parents have a tendency to develop relationships early and become promiscuous.

These adolescents are eventually exposed to alcohol drugs and sexually transmitted diseases. "It's on the rise mainly due to unhappy and unhealthy family set ups. It's actually equal to the western world. The early abuse of substances such as alcohol and cannabis make them vulnerable to develop medical and other psychological problems.

Thus, when a couple is having sexual and other issues, they should directly go for counselling or start seeking similar help early in marriages without going to 'Kattadiyas' or performing 'bodhi pooja' as none of these can help solve sexual problems!"

He informs that nowadays couples take marriage quite seriously. They spend years together before getting married or having children after which they come to a pre-nuptial agreement about how to share their lives.

They plan their kids very carefully so that it doesn't affect the children even if they separate, "The couple unlike in Sri Lanka won't fight but take necessary steps to minimise the effect on children. Some of our folks believe that having children will solve problems but unfortunately children will make things worse.

People need to read and understand the concepts relating to love, sex and relationships as awareness can minimise misunderstandings and conflicts allowing them to seek help if they develop conflicts in the marriage."

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