Help the depressed to lead normal lives

by Lakmal Welabada

Thushani was just a 16-year-old when she started showing signs of pregnancy. Her boy friend who was studying in the same mixed school was said to be responsible for it. She was shocked when he dared to dump her like a hot pot. Thushani was suicidal.

However, her attempt was detected, and their wise and far thinking parents took most suitable decision at that time. Her fetus was aborted. The feeling of guilt caused to make the second attempt.

She was fortunate enough to be saved, and then was sent to a counsellor to regain confidence to turn over a new leaf. Today Thushani is a successful executive in a popular firm.

Ramani is a mother of three in her late forties. Though she was a graduate she never thought of doing a job as she was provided with everything by her Executive husband who drew a lucrative income. But the chaos in her life began along with a young female counterpart who walked into her husband's life.

The mesmerised husband who valued nothing else other than the fair slim pretty colleague who was nearly 15 years younger to him, just dropped his wife and three sons, even refusing to support them in day-to-day meals.

Ramani had no way to turn as she tied the knot with her husband against the wish of her family. Her parents were dead and she could not trace neither her sister nor her brother who were living abroad.

She was hospitalised as a result of an assault to her husband. But the hospital authorities did not take necessary action though a police post and a JMO were part of them.

Generally when a woman comes with injuries caused by, it's the responsibility of the hospital to hold an inquiry. But nothing took place. She went to a certain organisation who directed her to a lawyer couple. But the advice she got was that the domestic violence would be part and parcel of a married life, and to accept it.

She was not in a position to cope with it any longer. Both her financial and emotional independence were zero. She was depressed, Ramani was suicidal. However she was at last directed to a family counsellor. And after collecting her thoughts straight Ramani is now going ahead with the case. She has been able to claim maintenance for her children from her husband.

Ruwan became frustrated after his girlfriend decided to stop the affair with him. She was the daughter of a family friend of his. The youth who was in his early twenties was madly in love with this girl. His behaviour changed.

He was constantly in tears and pleading with his parents to bring the girl back to him. His frustration led him to consume an overdose of sleeping tablets, but survived as he was rushed to the hospital in time.

Ruwan used this as a weapon to manipulate what he wanted. However after a big fuss he was ready for counselling. (Ruwan never believed he was in need of counselling.

He treated it as an insult for him). But it succeeded. And today Ruwan is happily married to another pretty young girl, and so is his ex-girlfriend who too found the correct life partner for herself.

Chamani was a brilliant student studied in a leading girls school. She was horrified when her A/L exam results appeared on the school notice board.

She knew how her lecturer parents had high hopes for their only child. Chamani had no way out from her depression. She complained of a headache and stayed upstairs refusing to come down for dinner.

Her parents left her alone as they thought it would be the right thing of the hour to console her. However, the maid of the house who sensed something was going wrong almost broke opened the locked door of Chamani's bedroom.

She was rushed to the hospital for trying to take her life by consuming an overdose of drugs. After a long procedure of remedy her life was saved and she was put for counselling. And today she is an MBA holder serving a reputed BOI company enjoying perks of her post.

The above incidents were picked out from the unsuccessful attempts at suicide. Cases which were successful would not be revealed here as to reduce the impact of the so-called 'importance of taking one's own life' - the suicide.

"A successful suicide cannot be prosecuted as the person is dead. But people who fail in their attempts to kill themselves can be prosecuted," says Mrs. Sita Jayathilaka, lawyer cum family counsellor who has nearly thirty years of experience in counselling.

"However now suicidal failures are not generally taken for prosecution as even the police have realised that these people (suicide who attend) need emotional support and they are not really responsible for their acts.

As an example, through sudden anger if you kill somebody that doesn't amount to murder. It's a culpable (punishable) homicide. Likewise suicide also falls in to a different category. If one is depressed and if it's long drawn out, in one point he/she might take a decision to take his/her life.

Sudden shocks such as failing exams, loans, gambling, loss of close ones, business losses, problems connected with love affairs, sudden anger (in order to punish others), depression, terminal illnesses, natural disasters such as tsunami and economic instability (or in the other words poverty) have been some of the many reasons that would lead one to take one's own life.

However none can specifically give a set of reasons for this as a cause of a suicide would differ from one person to the other.

Recently a woman at Panadura who didn't have the mean to live, consumed poison after poisoning her two daughters. However all three were saved. The woman was remanded and the two girls were sent to a Home.

Sometime ago another woman who also faced the same situation tried to commit suicide by drowning herself and her little son and daughter in the Kelani river. A swimmer on the river bank who saw the incident managed to save the woman. But the two little ones never returned alive.

They were hidden in the deep waters of Kelani river. Both women had been deserted by their husbands. Finding a meal for their children had been the biggest problem both faced, and were not able to cope. Both these incidents show how poverty had led people to be suicidal. As it was stated above the reasons could vary from person to person. A problem or reason of one would not be the same for the other.

Being suicidal is a low feeling caused as a result of unbearable tension or depression. Once Sri Lanka recorded the highest number of suicides in the world. Ten years ago (in 1995) the number of suicides reported here was 8519. It was reduced to 4503 by the year 2006 (according to the statistics issued by the Inspector General of Police).

According to the WHO report last year, we are quite a way down, and are said to be within the range of 10th-12th in the world. However it is said that our next door neighbour India shows a much lesser figure of suicides than us. Theirs was 12 per 10,000, and ours was 23 per 10,000 in 2005.

All these statistics are obtained from reported cases. The attempts, which were not successful were not taken into the account. And if the attempts of suicides have also been counted, it might have gone to an unbelievable level.

To make a lengthy discussion over suicides, giving it a scientific frame is not the aim of this article, but to bring the 'remedies' to a discussion stage.

In this case, the remedies for suicidal feelings can be divided to two main streams. Firstly let us discuss how you identify it and cope with the thoughts if YOU are suicidal. And secondly, how to recognise and stretch your helping hand to someone else (be he/she is a close one to you or somewhat a distant person).

"Counselling plays a big role in this sense," says Sita Jayathilaka. "But many do not believe they are undergoing some kind of depression, or they tend to refuse even if somebody tries to point it out.

People take medication for diabetes and cholesterol, and assume them as common ailments. But depression is also a common illness which 'could be and should be' treated fast. This is because more than the other diseases, depression could lead a person to take his/her own life at the end.

What are the signs of depression? The commonest is the cleanliness level of the person which will either go down or up unusually. Eating habits will also be different - either you would eat less or more. You tend to talk a lot or would talk a very few words. Emotional imbalance would be terrible.

People who are depressed would go into extreme stages either in this way or that way. If you are the one who undergoes this stage, your close ones will sense that well. And if it is somebody else you will also feel the sudden change in that person.

If you feel you are emotionally disturbed, plan out a day out. Be sure that you have your meals and put on the morning dress properly. See whether you give enough attention to your job and other usual duties at home and then in social life.

Sharing your problems with others is the best remedy. Some talk, but some do not talk and refuse to reveal their inner feelings. Talking is one of the best methods. Unlike in many Western countries, we have a good support network with our family, relatives, friends, colleagues, religious leaders like at temples and churches, explains Sita, the counsellor.

Meanwhile occupying yourself in an interesting hobby or sport is also good. Some take up higher studies and divert themselves. Make sure you are not getting isolated.

Communication is something you have to develop. When you are walking with your thoughts just look around the people who are under-privileged. Compare yourself and be happy with the privileges you are having. Get use to think positive and enjoy what you are having and don't worry about 'not what you don't have'.

How could you help others who suffer in depression?

Building a good rapport with people, in your social life is essential. By this you will develop an intuition of how others feel which would apparently give you space to help those who are in need of emotional support.

Some people make fun out of the mental disabilities of others. They laugh at the senselessness and mistakes of such people. 'Laughing with' a person is different from 'laughing at' a person. Hence, 'Laughing at' should be discouraged. And that is a good Western value which we should imbibe into our systems fast. Apparently consulting a doctor (psychiatrist) will be the next step of the remedy.

Never hesitate to have a word with the depressed person, but handle things carefully. Many do not accept the fact that they are undergoing a depression stage. "I'm not mad. I have no ailment.

Please leave me alone," would be the very harsh answer you would get from the other end. But remember, we all have a duty towards each other - may it be at home, working place etc. As an example if you see a feeble passenger in the public transport you tend to offer your seat. Likewise we can give a helping hand to the person whom you think is in a depression stage to get out of it.

"If it is you who need help either ring or see a family counsellor or get into centre which will not reveal your identity. Trained counsellors are not allowed to reveal their clients. Even if they bounce at each other, say even at a function they tend to show they do not know you. Only if you go to them and talk that they would also respond," says Sita Jayathilaka.

"Leaving and isolating a depressed person is the most heinous thing a human being could ever do. There are so many ways that you can help such people. Giving them time with a listening ear is the most important thing out of all. Never look at the wrist-watch or clock.

Don't be a time keeper. Show that you care for him/her. But if the persons is from the opposite sex, avoid embracing. As counsellors we are not supposed to touch a client of the opposite sex," explains Sita.

"But if it is somebody of your family like your spouse or parent you can give him/her a soothing feeling by applying a cream/lotion on hands. I experimented this during the tsunami period. When I went to a Internally Displaced Camp, there was a woman who had lost her whole family - husband and three children. Only her parents were living.

She was as if she was in a grave, shocked and not talking. Her parents pleaded me to do something about her. I went to her and started talking, while feeling her hands. She was in tears and howling. I let her cry and talk, and took a baby lotion out from my bag and applied it on her hands.

I experienced how the teary eyes were drying off and the tone of the voice was calming down. She was much better when I left, and thanked me a lot. You can try this out with even tensed children," she says.

"There are some other basic skills that can be tried with your spouse or a close family member. Take a little bit of oil and massage his/her head gently. Stand behind him and massage the tensed shoulder muscles gently with your thumb and fingers tapering towards the shoulders. Also you can let the tensed person to keep his feet in lukewarm water for about half an hour. Let the water be warm.

Fill the basin with hot water from time to time within the period he was keeping his legs in it. Then dry off the feet with a small towel, and apply a lotion or cream on the feet. It gives such a lot of comfort, he will definitely fall asleep," says the counsellor.

"Some are good at preaching. But, be careful if you try to do so on a depressed person. For instance he will say one of your friends is having an extra marital affair, and reveals you the dilemma she/he was going through. You can either snap at her/him with social and religious values saying, 'Oh! what a sin you have been committing?," or turn a listening ear to her/him and assist him to come out of it.

Listening, comforting and supporting are the three main elements for any tensed and depressed circumstances - either for your own self or for somebody else," points out Sita. Guilt, tension and depression - let help the nation to come over it. It's the duty of yours as well as mine.

Counselling centres you could contact for solutions

Sumithrayo (with branches all over the island) tel. 2692909, 2682535

Sanasuma (41, Station Road, Wellawatta) tel.2593536

Welcome House (132, Ananda Rajakaruna Mawatha, Colombo 10) - tel.2691871

Sahanaya (96/20, Kitulwatta Road, Colombo 8) - tel.2685960

Shakthi Nikethana (38/1, George E. De Silva Mawatha, Kandy) - tel.081-2200391

Women In Need (Cotta Road, Colombo 8) tel. 2671411, 4718585, 2665870.

National Youth Centre (Maharagama) tel.2850997, 2850994, 2850992.

Chart of Suicides reported - obtained from the Inspector General of Police

Year - Figure

1995 - 8519
1996 - 7344
1997 - 6418
1998 - 5839
1999 - 5907
2000 - 5412
2001 - 4955
2002 - 4692
2003 - 4607
2004 - 4876
2005 - 4742
2006 - 4503

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