How to reach a happier life

by Charlotte Latvala

I’ll admit it: I hate change. It’s only spring and I already feel uneasy about my youngest child, my baby girl, starting kindergarten in the fall.

I’m not alone in my misery; change is unsettling, if not terrifying, for most people I know - whether it’s a major upheaval (divorce, new job) or a fairly minor one (painting the bathroom, switching e-mail programs). And women have it extra-tough: Research shows we generally take longer than men to adapt to changes.

To the rescue comes Ariane de Bonvoisin, whose new book, *The First 30 Days* (a companion to her recently launched Website, first30days.com), is the ultimate manual for any change. That first month is when new habits are formed, de Bonvoisin explains, and it’s the key time for gathering the confidence and energy to get you through the next weeks and months of transition.

De Bonvoisin herself is all about trying new things: She’s climbed Mount Kilimanjaro, lived on three continents, and worked as a ski instructor, in media, and as a life coach. Still, she admits change isn’t easy for her. Rather than approaching new experiences with fear, however, she’s learned to welcome them with enthusiasm - even joy.

“Change is the one constant in all our lives,” she says. “And learning to embrace it is the most valuable tool in helping you love your life more.” To help you get through any transition, de Bonvoisin has identified the following nine guiding truths. Make them your own, and let them lead you forward.

1. I have positive beliefs - about change, about life, and about myself.*

An optimistic attitude is the first tool you need to tackle change, says de Bonvoisin - and yes, optimism is something you can choose. You may not have chosen the change that is happening to you, but you do get to choose your beliefs around it, says de Bonvoisin.

To shift to that positive mind-set, try asking what-if questions, such as, “What if I believe things are going to get better?” “What if life is working on my behalf?” and “What if this crisis is the best wake-up call I ever got?” Looking at change this way will make it seem less scary because you’re focusing your mind on positive outcomes - and it’s not that difficult to do.

“By habitually emphasizing the positive,” says de Bonvoisin, “you can actually rewire your mind to think more optimistically.”

2. I know that change will always bring something good into my life. *

On a daily basis, life throws us curveballs - people file for bankruptcy, lose beloved pets, miss planes, are diagnosed with cancer. Although research shows that it takes longer to adjust to a negative event than a positive one, desirable changes, such as losing weight or having a baby, come with challenges too. And, yes, any of these experiences can cause hurt and frustration.

“But even the hardest, most painful changes will eventually bring a gift to your life,” de Bonvoisin points out. “Sometimes the gift will be obvious, and sometimes it will take a while to realize.”

Remind yourself of this guiding truth when you’re facing any bump in the road. To do that, think back on three or four very stressful changes from your past, and the good that eventually came from them.

What comes to mind for me: I didn’t get my dream job after college - but I met my husband at the company where I landed. And 10 years ago, my brother-in-law developed early-onset Alzheimer’s - awful, yes, but as my sister reached out for emotional support, our bond became deeper; my role shifted from little sister to valued friend. The list - for me and everyone else - is endless.

3. I know I am resilient, strong, and capable of getting through anything.

We all have what de Bonvoisin calls a “change muscle” - and it’s stronger than we think. Take 36-year-old Jenny Evans of Minneapolis, who went through an agonizing divorce.

“Although at times it was literally painful to breathe, I wasn’t eating or sleeping, and I thought I might die, I didn’t,” she says. Since her divorce, Jenny has become better able to deal with life’s other ups and downs, such as handling frenzied days at work or helping her daughter cope with bullies at school.

“If I could get through my divorce, I can get through anything,” she says. “Now, I almost view a stressful event from the perspective of ‘Is that all you’ve got? That’s nothing compared to what I went through two-and-a-half years ago!’”

Whether you’ve survived the death of a spouse, a Hurricane Katrina-like disaster, or giving birth to triplets, there’s some moment of truth you can call up to remind yourself how much you can handle. “Your change muscle is the part of you that knows, deep down, you’ll be okay,” says de Bonvoisin.