Bringing up children - the right way

Sometimes you might wonder how "Sakvithis" are born in a country that boasts of a long tradition of human values nurtured by several religions. However much people listen to sermons and watch 'Doramandalawa' on television, they do not seem to change their basic characters, Saints remain saints; sinners remain sinners; robbers remain robbers and swindlers remain swindlers. It is very rarely that we hear of a saint becoming a sinner or robber becoming a saint.

One reason for this situation is that individual characters are formed, to a greater degree, in their childhood. A child who has had no proper education and discipline may grow up to be an anti-social element. He might think education does not pay but money pays. In his adult life too he will have the wrong notion that money can be earned in any way he wants. He does not see a right or a wrong way. Very soon he begins to cheat people and end up leaving the country with a bag full of ill-gotten money.

We have seen, in recent times, how one man brazenly ran a private bank and swindled investors of millions of rupees. A few years later, another man who claimed that he was born to teach did the same thing in a different way. Both of them have left the country. Apart from the carelessness of the depositors who wanted a better return for their hard-earned money, these anti-social elements thrive in many other fields. Through regular advertisements they claim to have a cure for cancer and Aids or promise to teach you English in seven days!

If you sit back and think, you will realise that much of your conduct is determined by the conscious and half-conscious recognition of what is likely to pay us. In other words, we are constantly reminded of the ways that lead to our pleasure and gratification. For instance, a private tutor may earn a little money that helps him to lead a normal life. He has no plans to put up a mansion or contest in the general elections. Similarly, a mendicant can survive by going from house to house begging for food. But they are not anti-social elements.

On the other hand, some of us are constantly tempted to act in a manner which cannot be expected to pay us. In other words, we pursue such a course of action very much against our nature or breeding. Psychologists believe that this may be due to our thinking that such a course of action must have paid us sometime ago and it will continue to pay us in the future too. For instance, an extremely successful tutor can open up an international school and then start a finance company. Then money lending and laundering become second nature to him.

When once you proceed in this course of action, there is no way of stopping it. You cannot refuse to accept large sums of money people deposit for attractive returns. The real trouble starts when you find it difficult pay the interest as promised. At the outset, you can cheat the depositors by giving them post-dated cheques. But the depositors will come back and demand their bound of flesh. At this stage, either you have to leave the country or face the consequences.

Honesty and truthfulness may not have paid such anti-social elements in their transactions at the beginning. When their activities begin to pay, they become second nature to them. This is one reason that criminals cannot be reformed easily. When criminality becomes second nature to anybody, they cannot give it up easily.

Parents and teachers have a bigger role in the character formation of children, It is for them to ensure that good actions pay the child in some ways while bad actions do not pay. This is perhaps the only way in which good habits can be formed. However, if parents and teachers themselves do not lead honest and truthful lives, the whole exercise will be meaningless.

At the beginning, the child needs food and physical comforts. Later on he develops a hunger for attention and approval. If you give him attention, he will be satisfied. Even the child will realise that some of his habits gain attention and approval and he will try to stick to them. This trend continues into his adult life. In other words, he will think of ways and means of receiving the attention and approval of society.

The danger lies here. If the child happens to live in a society that condones criminal activities, he will think that crime does pay. A child growing up in slums has criminal tendencies because he sees adults engaged in anti-social activities. However, if the child happens to live among law-abiding citizens, he will end up as a good-natured person. These two children are like two travellers parting at the crossroads. They have chosen two different roads; one leading to happiness, the other leading to eternal damnation.Although adults should set an example to children, they must not impose their will on them. Very often highly educated parents bring up children who have no minds of their own. By imposing their will parents break down the child's first feeble attempts to think for himself.

At the other extreme, we find parents who completely ignore their children, "Let them grow up anyway they want", they seem to think. When this happens, the child feels neglected and prefers to keep quiet all the time. He remains silent in the classroom and takes no interest in national issues in his adult life. Such people do not raise their voice against injustice.

Any given adult is what he is because of his childhood. He is a product of primary education, habits, opinions and influence received from others. The child sees many models of human beings. If he sees a saint and appreciates his way of living, he will probably become another saint. If he sees a thug brandishing a sword, the child may try to imitate him. Thus,

experience in early childhood tends to determine the direction of subsequent development.Raising children to be useful citizens is a daunting task for parents and teachers. For the inspiration of both parents and teachers a poem written by Ronald Russell is reproduced here:

Lessons from life
A child that lives with ridicule
learns to be timid
A child that lives with criticism
learns to condemn
A child that lives with distrust
learns to be deceitful
A child that lives with antagonism
learns to be hostile
A child that lives with affection
learns to love
A child that lives with encouragement
learns confidence
A child that lives with truth
learns justice
A child that lives with praise
learns to appreciate
A child that lives with sharing
learns to be considerate
A child that lives with knowledge
learns wisdom
A child that lives with patience
learns to be tolerant
A child that lives with happiness
will find love and beauty.
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