Teacher: What are the small rivers that run into

the Nile?

Pupil: The juve-niles.

Teacher: What are the Great Plains?

Pupil: 747, Concorde and F-16.

Teacher: Where is the English Channel?

Pupil: I don't know, my TV doesn't pick it up.

Pupil: My teacher was mad with me because

I didn't know where the Rockies were.

Mother: Well next time remember where you

put things!

An announcement made by a flight pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry... Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight...!"

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his luxury car to a New York City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

"Well, then, here are the keys to my car," the man said. The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking lot, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said. The man wrote out a cheque and started to walk away.

"Wait sir," the loan officer said, "while you were gone I learned that you are a millionaire. Why would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. "Where else could I park my luxury car in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Tom: What do you call a dog owned

by Dracula?

Tim: A blood hound.

Pam: What's a vampire's favourite sport?

Sam: Batminton.

Pam: Where do vampires go on holiday?

Sam: To the Isle of Fright.

Teacher: Why is the Mississippi such

an unusual river?

Pupil: Because it has four eyes and can't see.

The announcement made by a flight attendant after a particularly bumpy flight: "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxies what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

Teacher: Name an animal that lives in Lapland.

Pupil: A reindeer.

Teacher: Good, now name another.

Pupil: Another reindeer!

A flight attendant had this announcement to make: "Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

The policeman couldn't believe his eyes as he saw the woman drive past him, busily knitting. Quickly he pulled along the vehicle, wound down his window and shouted "Pull over!"

"No" she replied, "they're socks!"

Thomas: Why does Dracula have no friends?

Phil: Because he's a pain in the neck.

A student sitting for a philosophy exam had a single question on his final paper: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.

Leela: What happened to the two mad vampires?

Sheela: They both went a little batty.

The policeman pulled over a car and strolled up to the driver's window: "Excuse me sir, but do you know that you're driving without a rear light?"

The driver jumped out and ran to the rear of his car and let out a whimpering groan. The driver seemed so genuinely distressed that the policeman took a sympathetic view: "Don't take it so hard, it's not all that serious an offence..."

"Isn't it" the driver cried, "Where's my caravan gone?"