At a dinner party, one of the guests, a loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything.

When he was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: "Is this pig?"

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: "Which end of the fork are you referring to?"

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut - he placed the boy on the chair.

"I'm going to buy a tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you." "That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're going to get a free haircut!'"

Teacher: Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?

Nick: What do you think it is, Sir?

Teacher: I don't think, I KNOW!

Nick: I don't think I know either, Sir!

Patient: Doctor, I think I've been bitten by a vampire.

Doctor: Drink this glass of water.

Patient: Will it make me better?

Doctor: No, but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Little Johnny's father said, "Let me see your report card."

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Thomas was having trouble with his computer. So he called Harold, the computer guy, to come over. Harold clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem and gave Thomas a bill for a minimum service call.

As Harold was walking away, Thomas called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

Harold replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error."

Thomas didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, "An ID ten T error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?"

Harold grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"

"No," Thomas replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."

So Thomas wrote it down: I D 1 0 T

Waiter: How did you find your steak, sir?

Young man: Quite accidentally, I assure you. I moved that piece of lettuce and there it was.

A murderer, sitting in the electric chair, was about to be executed.

"Have you any last requests?" asked a jailor.

"Yes," replied the murderer. "Will you hold my hand?"

An old lady didn't know if her granddaughter had learned her colours yet, so she decided to test the girl. She would point out something and ask what colour it was. The girl would tell the colour, and she was always correct. But it was fun for the lady, so she continued. At last the girl headed for the door, saying, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"

The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defence."

The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?"

The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra Rs. 50,000 and I just found out about it!"