A professor could not help but notice that one of his students was late to class for the third time that week. Before class ended, he went around the room asking students some questions about the day's lecture. Of course, he made sure to pick on the late pupil. "And who was it that developed the theories behind communism?" the professor asked.

"I don't know," the student said.

"Perhaps if you came to class on time, you would know," said the professor.

"That's not true," the student replied. "I never pay attention anyway!"

Two neighbours had been fighting each other for decades. One of them, Bob bought a Great Dane and taught it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. For one whole year Bill ignored the dog.

So Bob then bought a cow and taught it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and a half of Bob's cow dirtying Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a truck pulled up in front of Bill's house.

Bob ran over and demanded to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

"My new pet elephant," Bill replied.

 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, except one woman laughed uproariously.

"What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humour?"

"I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving on Friday."

One day, Bill and Tom went to a restaurant for dinner. As soon as the waiter brought two steaks to their table, Bill quickly picked out the bigger steak for himself.

Tom wasn't happy about that. He said: "When are you going to learn to be polite?"

Bill: If you had the chance to pick first, which one would you pick?

Tom: The smaller piece, of course.

Bill: What are you whining about then? The smaller piece is what you want, right?

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

 Neela to Sheila: I'd tell you another joke about a pencil. But it doesn't have any point!

Tom: What is the best hand to write with?

Pam: Neither hand, it's best to write with a pen!

Tim: What would you call a theft in Peking?

Tom: A Chinese takeaway!

Question: Where do polar bears vote?

Answer: At the North Poll.

 Teacher: How do we know that the Earth won't come to an end?

Student: Because it's round!

Ted: Why are goldfish red?

Ned: The water turns them rusty!

What did the duck say when buying lipstick?

"Put it on my bill..!!"